Monday, June 6, 2011

im back

Its been a while.. I know..
I was put in a clinic, i managed to stay thin .. then when I got out my life became a living hell of binging and purging..
i cant seem to go through the day without a binge.. i managed to gain like 20 pounds from january to here... i cant get dressed, cant look in the mirror, cant let a man touch me, etc
i cant be with myself, cant think, cant breathe..
i hate myself constantly, i trat myself like a piece of shit.. i reject myself 24/7..
i cant be with myself..
i treat people badly cause i wont let them in..
i cant sleep and i cant be awake.. this is hell.. i feel like killing myself lately..
2 years of anorexia are gonna end in fatness? all the sacrifices i made are going to be for nothing?
this eating disorder is killing me.. bulimia is ruining my life and all my effort..
i lost all my friends, my family´s trust, my life for anorexia, i gave ana everything and now mia is taking it all away.. its killing me..
ive tried so many days to stop but i just cant.. and im tired of living like this.. so im back..

tomorrow i start my life again... i am going to be who i was.. i am going to stop being a sick disordered person.. i will be fresh and beautiful and empty and thin..
so thin that everyone envys me and hates me..
so thin that everything is big and i cant stand the cold..
so thin that i am admired and looked up to again..
i am going to starve again because i can.
because i am different from everyone else who pigs out in this damn world.
cause i am one of the special ones.
because this is not me and i want to be my friend again, i want to be able to live..
i refuse to be mediocre and disgustng like every other normal human being.
its over.

june 6th will be the first day of the rest of my life..
tomorrow i will fast. i will start with this cleansing and amazing fast.
tomorrow i will let u know how i did, i refuse to fail, i am completely desperate i cant do this anymore.. i dont want to live anymore.. i cant live like this.. in this agony..
i will fast and statt my new life clean and empty.. i wanna fast forever..
hello girls, im back.