Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Sometimes perfection can be perfect hell...


I kinda dont know what to write..

I am completly blank..

I hate the prozac..

It really works.. it keeps ana out of my head..( i guess the dr knows what he is doing)

I hate this.. I was finally getting there! I was finally 50.9 kilos! 17.5 BMI.. my period is a week and a half late!... and then they give me the prozac, and they make me eat, and they treat me like a baby, and all my hard work is going to hell!

Last week I fasted monday through friday and I felt perfectly fine.. Yesterday I fasted and I shivered all day and felt really bad... I decided to eat at night.. its scary cause its something i would never allow myself to do!!

Today I was at the hospital all day getting random tests.. I will know the results tomorrow..

The only thing I know is that I weighed myself after eating and I weighed 52.5 kilos.. This fucking sucks!!!!!

I want 50!.. even though im not getting my period anymore, I dont care!!!

Ive worked too hard to give up now and just gain back the weight.. id rather die..

Somebody save me!! ana is fading away from me!.. I dont even care to count my calores, I dont even care to work out, i can fucking purge!!!! i dont know whats happening! i cant bring me to it!

Please remind me what I want!.. Im so close, grams away!.. help me.. ur the only secret i have left.. dont leave me

love, sam

Friday, September 25, 2009

I lock the door and lock my head, and dream of butterflies instead...

I dont know where to begin..

U have no idea how many things can happen, and how can things change in only 24 hours..

1. I went to the Eating Disorder specialist/ psychiatrist I told u guys about. He diagnosed me with Anorexia Nervosa (oh really). He scheduled an appointment in his clinic for me on tuesday.. There I will be fully examinated (blood test, x-rays, MRI, and a bunch of weird tests).. Yesterday, I talked to the doctor and he said that we will have to wait for the test results to see what is going to happen to me.. but he said there are 2 options:

Option A) If I weigh 54 kilos; then i will have to go everyday to the clinic to special meetings, and therapy sessions, and ,tc etc etc etc.. but I get to still have a life..

Option B) If I weigh 53 kilos or less, I will be given a chance to get my weight up with the program I already told u guys about. If i dont do it, then I will be put into the clinic, isolated from the world, etc etc etc

2. The dr also gave me PROZAC!!!.. i still dont know how i feel about that.. I just started taking it today and i dont know if i like it or not.. I just didnt think I needed it..

3.I am still fasting.. this would be the fifth day. I went clubbing last night and had a little tekila but I danced like crazy for like 4 hours so I dont think I broke my fast..

4.The last time I weighed myself was like 3 weeks ago and my weight was 54 kilos.. I know ive lost weight. But I seriously thought I only lost 2 kilos.. I still dont feel light, and empty.. But today I weighed myself and GUESS WHAT!! 50.9 KILOS!!!!!!!... I have no idea how it happened but it happened!

5.This should be the happiest day of my life! But instead im worried, and nervous, and going crazy! The dr will lock me up the moment he knows my weight.. But there is no way in hell that Im gaining more weight either!.. I love this, I want this!!!


-tips to trick the scale.

-tips to trick the doctors.

-advice, comments, help!

-if some of u guys have been in a clinic, please tell me about it! i dont know what to expect!

2 questions- is it weird that ive been fasting for 5 days and i feel fine? and.. does light jello count as food?


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Pretty smiles and make up hide so much these days...

Hello skinnies!

Ive been secretly fasting for 3 days! (no one knows but u guys).

I love everything about this!.. I love not eating, I love feeling empty, I love having a secret, I love that I dont want food, I love how my jeans fall off, I love feeling weak, I JUST LOVE THIS.

Again, I lied my way through day 3..

I told my family I was eating with a friend... I dont think they believed me cause my stepmom and my dad randomly called me to ask questions..(which restaurant did u go 2? with who? what did u eat?) I told them I went to this italian restaruant with my friend and that I ate a Capresse Salad.. Then my dad started yelling at me, he said he is worried, that i dont eat enough, that i should eat something else, etc etc.. But he perfectly knows I would never eat pizza or pasta, I had to say I ate something believable.. (if he only knew I had nothing)..
But whatever, I dont care..(I got away with it!)

News about my life
-Tomorrow I have my first appointment with a psychiatrist who specializes on eating disorders..
(my nutritionist succeded at washing my dad's head).
Normally, my dad wouldnt even notice my weight change, or my pale skin, or my lack of energy, or my sudden isolation from life, or my loss of friends, or my break up with my 3 year boyfriend, or my not-eating habits, etc etc.. My dad is a heart surgeon, so he is never around. And when he is, he is with his new wife, or doing something else that doesnt involve spending time with his two daughters.. The people who noticed my "problem" were: my sister, my stepmom, my ex, some friends, and my nutritionist... Most of them have been trying to get my dad to notice and do something about it...(well, as u can see, it finally worked). Even though I havent seen my nutritionist in like 2 weeks or so, she seems to be really worried.. She called me today to set an appointment for friday, she wants to know how much I weigh..

Im kinda nervous about going with that shrink tomorrow.. i dont know what to expect.. but on the bright side, my appointment is at 2:30 pm, so i wont be able to attend lunch with my family!!!!

-Im also depressed cause I know I wont be able to fast as long as I wish.. Not cause i cant take it, ofcourse I can take it.. its cause im completely out of excuses to avoid lunch and dinner!.. And now, with everybody checking on me 24/7, even the maids, its starting to become impossible!

I think I will be able to make it to sunday evening (7 days).. its kinda funny cause yom kipur (the most important jewish holiday, which involves fasting 27 hours) starts sunday night, and lasts until monday night.. I wanted to fast before it (which ive been doing), fast through it, and fast after it. But the problem is, that before the fast starts, there is a huge family dinner. I have no idea how to avoid it.. And if I do avoid it (which is impossible) then I wont be able to avoid the hugee family dinner that comes after the fast... (whats funny is that i will be forced to break my fast in order to start a new one haha) what do i do???

I hate this!!! Why do I have to eat?.. I wish I would live alone, and do what I want, and be free to make my own decisions about my life.. I actually dream about it!..
thats what sucks about being 17..
oh well.. im sorry if im boring u with my nonsense...
I promise to post quotes tomorrow!.. i love u, thanx 4 ur comments!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

There's a lot of nothing around here...

Hello people!
Day 2 of my everlasting fast- completed!
In order to avoid lunch, I told my dad I was eating with my mom, and I told my mom I was eating with my dad.. (genius huh?) Instead I went to buy diet pills (hydroxycut) and to the supermarket to buy teas, coffee, sugar-free red bull, gum, diet coke, magazines, etc etc.. Then I drove around for like half an our to make the timing believable..(it was kinda frustrating)
For dinner, I did the same thing I did yesterday!.. thank god my dad wasnt here again!.. I served food on a plate, chewed on it, then spit it in an opaque cup, left the dirty plate as evidence, took the cup to my room as if it were tea, dumped the food on the toilet, and flushed!!!
Its amazing how im really not hungry.. im not even feeling it.
But it sucks how i dont seem to be any thinner.. I feel and I look FAT.. WTF?
Im really excited cause tomorrow will be my third day fasting and I will enter ketosis! Hopefully tomorrow I will be thinner..
Tomorrow Im supposed to eat at my grandmothers house and I have no idea what excuse to make up.. im also running out of things to do and places to go while my family thinks im eating someplace else... Im also really nervous cause if I get away with not having lunch with them for the 3rd day in a row, they will totally make me have dinner with them.. (family time)
I dont know what to do!!!!!!! Why does the whole fucking world revolve around food??

I also wanted to tell u guys that I am completely obsessed with Cassie Ainsworth from Skins.. I idolize her, I wanna be her!.. She is just PERFECT!.. I love her...

I love u guys 2!!.. xoxo

Monday, September 21, 2009

The question isnt "who is going to let me?"; its "who is going to stop me?"

Hey guys!!

Im sorry for not posting all weekend.. I just felt like a total fat failure and i didnt want to write anything..

So Rosh- Hashana (the jewish new year) was a total disaster..

I think I have never had so much food in my life..

It was like binge weekend!.. I ate everything and anything and I didnt stop, couldnt stop!.. I didnt even think while I did it.. I ate until my stomach killed me and the I purged and went back to eating.. I had everything that was forbidden...(cake, pie, ice cream, chocolate, candy, rice, bread, cookies, etc!!!!!) I am the most disgusting person that has ever stepped on this earth..

I think after restricting for so long, I just went crazy! My need for food was unstoppable!.. I dont know how to explain it.. I just needed it more than oxygen!

I havent weighed myself but it looks like I gained a kilo.. Thank god I purged because if not, I would of gained 20..

I cried all night long.. I cant put into words the amount of hatred for myself!..

But I decided to put this behind me and move on..

Today I started a fast.. I dont know how long it will last.. Im planning on fasting until someone literally puts food in my mouth and forces me to swallow it..

Today went smoothly.. I slept all day so I didnt have to eat..

My dad woke me up like at 8 and told me he knew I didnt eat and I had to have dinner..

Thank god he is a heart surgeon and had an emergency and had to leave..

I made myself a turkey sandwich, took it to my room, bit through it, munched on it, but didnt swallow it.. I spit everything out in the toilet and washed my mouth.. Then I took the dirty plate back to the kitchen.. I usually dont get away with this, cause my dad sits and watches me eat..

Tomorrow Im supposed to eat at my mom's house, I dont know what believable excuse to tell her.. Ive done everything.. She doesnt believe me when I act sick anymore.. HELP! any ideas?

Im sorry for being such a fucking loser..

Does anyone know how much weight can u lose in an 7 day fast?

love u, sam

Thursday, September 17, 2009

"I am not what happened to me; I am what I choose to become"

Today's food intake:

-9 pieces of watermelon.

-2 light jello cups

-1 carrot

-5 pieces of melon

-2 tablespoons of cottage cheese

Is it a lot? I have no idea how many calories I had but I feel like it was a lot!

I feel like a pig!

And im scared cause this weekend is a jewish holiday and everything is food, food, food!

and really fattening and delicious food!

i wanna die..

There is nothing I can eat anymore!.. everything is fattening.. even watermelon!

please somebody tell me if it was too much or if it was okay.. like how many cals?

what can I eat??

i want to fast forever! i need more willpower and tricks..

Today I was supposed to weigh myself but i didnt..

I feel thin lately.. not as thin as id wish but i do feel thin.. and i dont want the stupid scale to ruin my day.. im scared of it, i hate it.. maybe next week.. i feel like 53 kilos right now.. i wish i was 52 already..

Here is a promise to u guys and myself!.. Monday I will start a fast!.. I wanna fast all week! and friday I will weigh myself!.. please support me, dont let me fail! remind me why i need this!..

and sorry i havent posted quotes!.. ill post them this weekend, i have 10000 new ones!..

love u

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

If I eat anything, I'll eat everything, so I'll eat nothing.

Worst day since forever!

Today was the first day since I started fasting that I was around a lot of food and around my mother.. I hate her..

She noticed how skinny my legs are and how my leggings were loose, so she literally sat me down next to her at the table, served eveything on my plate, and watched me eat it. She didnt take her eyes off me for one second!.. I couldnt even do the opaque cup trick!

Thank god it was only tomato, potatos and some spinach but still!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its so easy to not want food when u havent had it for days, but once u have it again, then u start wanting it and wanting it and u cant stop, and i cant stop!!!!!!!

I purged twice already today.. but i still feel disgusting, and at this moment im eating an apple..

So I decided im just gonna eat today.. im not gonna freak cause then I will kill myself. And today is the mexican aniversary so im gonna go clubbing and dance some calories off..

Tomorrow I start fasting again.. I want to fast forever, and ever, and ever!..

Even though it wont be easy cause rosh hashana (the jewish new year) is this weekend and it revolves around food.. But ill act sick again..

Im sorry I let u down, I ley myself down, ana down.. its all my moms fault!..

This is the last time I fail.. What Im really scared of is gaining all the weight I lost on my 5 day fast.. Im so scared of waking up fat tomorrow..

Ill let u know what happens...

Im sorry..

Sunday, September 13, 2009

You learn to love the way you feel.

Hey Sexies!

I just decided that my mind and my body are two totally seperate things and I am somewhere in the middle..

Outside I feel weak. I can walk a little but I get tired easily, my hands kinda hurt, and I feel like im floating.. Also im having trouble breathing but its almost nothing..

This is weird cause today I did eat.. Ive been fasting for 4 days and my dad did not let me leave the table without eating anything, so i had a tomato slice and a little tuna sashimi.. almost nothing and I purged most of it.. I thought I would feel better cause I ate but I feel worse..

I decided thats what im going to do.. I will only eat if they make me eat and ill purge it later.. my life will be like a semi-fast! i love the idea!

On the other side, Inside I feel so strong! My mind is loving this!.. I love feeling this way!

Even though feeling sick sucks, I love that Im weak! I love that I look pale, and that im dizzy and I LOVE THIS!!!.. does it make me a weird sick person?

I feel special! I am better than everyone else, I can live without food, I can feel like im about to faint and still look gorgeous and act perfect!.. I can sit in the table infront of food and not eat anything, I can trick people, etc etc...

For the first time in my life, I finally feel anorexic!.. I always knew I had ana inside me cause I could always hear her, and she would mess with my head and my life.. But I finally let her out! I let her take over and it feels amazing! Ana is driving my life and the place that she is taking me to is paradise! (modeling, beauty, thinnes, attention, fame, men, etc)

Please girls join me! come with me! we will all get there someday!

Im sorry if im being kinda corny.. its just i feel so inspired!

Also, do u guys have any tips on how not to faint and feel like this while im starving myself? cause if I faint then its over, my dad will put me into a clinic and bye bye dream!.. HELP
love uuuu

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Believe me, Im lying.

Hey girls!

Im gonna write this super fas tcause all my family is here and im scared they will see what im writing...

So im still fasting, this would be the third day..

Yesterday I had to go to dinner with my family and I acted sick but they still made me have some chicken broth.. I dont think I broke my fast because it is still liquid and it has minimum calories..

Im freaking out cause I have to go eat with my family to a restaurant any minute now and I really dont wanna eat!.. I feel perfect, Im not hungry!.. I dont know what do do cause its not fair and I know that my dad will make me eat!

Ill tell him my stomach is still a little upset and Ill try to have soup or something..NOTHING SOLID!..

Im so mad I hate it when this happens!.. I should have the right to choose what I put into my body.

I love this feeling!.. the emptyness inside me, it makes me feel clean!

Im also starting to feel thinner and im loving it!.. but its still not enough!

sorry guys I have to leave but ill post something at night just to let u know how day 3 went..

love u, sam

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Fast day 1

Actually it was amazingly easy!.. I didnt even think of food, I didnt even want it...

I think its cause I kept myself away from it, I didnt even go into the kitchen..

I did drink a looot of tea.. iced, hot, bottled, etc etc and loads of water.. I dont get why Im soo thirsty!..

What is really getting me in a bad mood is that I dont feel clean yet.. I feel fat and disgusting and I cant wait to feel thin and empty!.. I need results, i know its just the first day but I really need to wake up lighter tomorrow so I can stay motivated.. (I know, im weird.. When i feel thin I dont want to eat and when I feel fat I just keep eating)...

What im really nervous about is starting to eat again.. I dont wanna gain all the weight i lose..

any tips?

The day is still not over.. I have an engagement party to attend. But im sure I wont eat anything so I can say I rocked at day one and im proud of myself!

I hope I dont get hungry tomorrow, they say day 2 is the worst..

wish me luck!


Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The only freedom left, is the freedom to starve

Hey girls!

I feel so dirty inside!.. it is the perfect moment for a fast!

My 0,2,4,6 diet didnt work out cause my bitchy stepmom made me eat like a pig!.. i hate her..

But I am sooo excited cause she is leaving to vegas tomorrow for 4 days and I am free to fast!!!

I am so happy about this! I want to cleanse my body and soul!

I feel like this will be a fresh start!

I took some laxies so I can start my fast empty!..

I feel so fat lately and I hit a plateau so this water fast will jumpstart my metabolism!

Im doing this with a friend I know and we will see each other everyday to keep our mind off food!

I hate food, I despise it!.. I want to feel the hunger, I want to feel weak, I want my bones to show, I want people to worry, I want to have nothing inside me and float away!.. All I want to be is empty and weightless.. I want to be perfect!

I can only have:






Wish me luck! I feel strong and determined and Im so excited!!!


Monday, September 7, 2009


Hey barbies!

So about my weekend..

I had a 650 cal binge on saturday! i couldnt help it i was at my friend's house and everyone was eating so i tried to eat the healthy stuff but I still had a lot.. I didnt feel that bad cause I went clubbing and danced the night away..

Sunday was kinda okay.. I had max like 500 cal, most of it at night. I dont know why I do that, i just get home and raid the fridge and while I do it Im not thinking... but then I start feeling fat and I regret it.. Im trying not to purge, i dont want to fall into mia.. I dont like it and i dont wanna ruin my teeth and i dont like being bloated.. Im also looking at it as a way to make me eat less cause if I eat too much I would have to purge and I hate it..

Im also taking a break on laxies.. They also make my stomach big.. Im just scared of gaining weight cause i left them and my diet pills suck!..

Tomorrow I want to start the 2,4,6,8.. actually I dont think im doing the 8.. I think I will make it 0,2,4,6.. 8 is waaay too much! I would love it if some of u guys joined me!. we can make it like a competition so that will keep us focused!..

I discovered some amazing songs to dance to, and ive been dancing calories off every night!

-Sexy bitch- akon ft david guetta

-Feel it in my bones- tegan and sara ft tiesto

-She Wolf- Shakira

-Sweet dreams- Beyonce

-Bulletproof- La Roux

-Patron Tequila- Paradiso Girls

I hope u like them!..

I dont know why my relationship with food isnt fucked up yet.. I still want food, I look for it!.. help me people cause Im not getting any thinner this way!

Food intake until now-

-12 jicama sticks- 12 calories

I'll edit later cause my stepmom will make me eat with the family..

xoxo, sam

Friday, September 4, 2009

I hope life isn't a big joke cause I dont get it..

Hey beauties!

So yesterday I weighed myself and I lost the kilo I had gained!..

My nutritionist said that Im retaining a lot of water, so if I loose it I would weigh a kilo less!

She also said my fat percentage is lower than last week and that it worries her.

So my biggest problem right now is this water weight!.. I need to get rid of it urgently and I need u guys´s tips on how to do it!..

Im also kinda in a bad mood cause I feel bloated and fat, even though the scales says im not!..

when will i ever feel thin and beautiful?

new quotes!-

-And its times like these that I dread.. when there is everything to say, and nothing left to be said, and it makes me sad...

-I used to be lovedrunk now im just hangover..

-Love is forever, forever is gone.

-I never stopped feeling 4 u, I just stopped letting it show.

-Im hoping that if I keep telling myself that i dont love u, eventually my heart will understand.

-She is everybody elses girl, maybe someday she will be her own..

-Sometimes its the things that dont hurt at all that make u cry.

-Our conversations consist of hello and goodbye and the silence in between saying "I love u"

-Next time warn me before u stab me in the heart.

-My biggest fear is that I will become too comfortable with the idea of being lonely for the rest of my life.

-He can never be truly urs cause he will always cary around a piece of me.

-Ive made my choice and I choose me...

-Smile. Its easier than explaining why ur sad.

-If I told u this was killing me, would u stop?

-Its not what I feel for u, its what I dont feel for anyone else...

-Every morning I wake up and put on my fake smile.. But if one morning I didn't, would anyone notice?

love uuuu!.. xoxo

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Just because I feel it doesnt mean its there..

Hello Barbies!

When I woke up today, I felt thin.. u know those days when ur taking a shower and u can stay there for hours cause ur not in a rush to cover urself..

Today would have been a good day to weigh myself, I was excited, I knew the numbers would be less cause I have been a really good girl and I have worked hard this week.

The problem is my nutritionist canceled on me and changed my appointment to tomorrow. And as u know, she has my scale cause they dont let me have one at home.
Then my stupid macbook decided to die.. all my thinspo and quotes are there and all my entire life and im dying!

I got kinda mad but still made it through the day with 350 calories in my stomach..

Then my stupid fat mind thought it would be okay to have 400 so I ate some pasta but I couldnt stop and ended up having too much..

I purged a little but i dont think it makes a difference and now I feel fat.

Im bloated and fat and now I dont wanna go weigh myself tomorrow..

I took some laxies but they will make my stomach bloat more.

I also need some info..

I usually drink 3.5 lts of water or tea a day; sometimes even more.. is this good or bad?

will it help me lose weight or is it making me gain?

I also wanted to thank u guys 4 ur comments!.. they cheer me up a lot, i dont feel alone!..

thanx 4 ur advice also!.. ur great, i love u girls!