Thursday, April 29, 2010

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left..

So the boy called.. he explained himself.. hes not an asshole after all.. he had valid reasons.. but still we cant be together for now, even though we want to.. bad timing i guess... at least i can breathe now that i know the reasons, but it still hurts, i miss him, i want him with me....

met the most important music manager in mexico yesterday... he was really interested in me, he wants to work with me, he said he loveeed my look and my voice.. the only problem is that i dont compose music so we need to find someone to do it for me.. i started calling people and moving my influences and a friend introduced me to this amazing music producer that loved me.. he said he's been having this amazing project in mind for a year and was looking for the perfect girl and hadnt found her.. he said im the girl he was looking for.. he is gonna write and compose music for me, the idea is indie, alternative with a mix of electronic.. there is none of that in mexico.. and they want a really hot girl to be the rocker and they want her to be sexy and stylish.. its hard to explain but its a really cool idea and we will start working next week.. we will make a demo and take it to the manager who loved me.. its gonna take time and a lot of work but at last im starting to work on making my dream come true.. im gonna be a rockstar!!!

Ive been kinda binging every night because of the nerves and pressure and stress, that boy ruined my whole existence and made me fat.. not really binging on food, only on dressings and yoghurt (not solid things) im back to 50.3 but i fasted today so i hope my weight will be less tomorrow..

I have another photoshoot tomorrow.. modern romeo and juliet.. its gonna be cool.. and then another one on saturday.. im working on posting some for u be patient a few more days i promise..

i should be so excited about my life right now, at last im on my way to stardom... but still something is missing, he is missing.. why did i have to know him? i stare at my blackberry all day waiting for him to call, i facebook stalk him all day, i check his twitter.. stupid girl u know he wont call.. at least not this week.. he needs his space and then hopefully if ur lucky he will miss u and come back... if u wish hard enough.. im sad

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

and the worst part is that i knew this would happen...

I dont know how to start.. I dreamt about writing this post (it was a nightmare). A nightmare in which all the amazing things that were happening to me would end and i would write to u here about how im back.. the old sad, dark, lonely, misunderstood, broken, hungry, stupid, pathetic girl u knew is back... I knew this would happen, i swear i knew it.. i told everyone that couldnt believe good things were happening to me.. i knew i didnt deserve them, i also knew that good things dont happen to me ever, its just not the way i am, not the way my life is.. i was happy, but deep inside i knew i wasnt supposed to be happy, like that feeling didnt belong there even though i wanted it so bad.. i knew it didnt fit inside me, i knew it was wrong and i knew it wouldnt last.. i just didnt think it would end so fast, i didndt think it would end before it oficially started..

So this boy ive been telling u about.. the one that didnt judge me, loved me as i am, drived me mad, took me to the most amazing places, showed me the fun of my life, was my perfect kind of guy, loved the same music as i did and was helping me with my dream, the guy who ive always been waiting for, the one i didnt think existed, the one that was as crazy and random as me so we fit perfectly together... the guy ive been dating for 3 weeks and every day was more amazing than the last, and everything was so perfect, suddenly 3 days ago he stopped showing interest, and avoiding me, and acting weird, and not calling... i just wish i could have a reason for it, i wish there was an explanation for this enormous drastic change, i wish i would know what went wrong... my friend say that maybe he just got suffocated and scared cuz everything was happening toooo fast and he just backed off for some air and space.. but i dont believe that, i think he lost interest and just sent me to hell.. i just never thought he was the kind of guy that would just dump me without even an explanation or a goodbye...
what sucks the most is a betrayed myself, i betrayed my number one rule! NEVER TRUST ANYONE.. and i trusted him and fell for him.. and now here i am.. alone again and hurting..
how foolish of me to think someone would have a relationship with me.. everyone talks shit about me, i am the girl from the nude pictures, my reputation sucks, girls hate me, i have anorexia, etc etc... how stupid of me to think that any guy could ever take me seriously.. i just thought he was different, he seemed different..
I sit and wonder why god put him into my life if i was ok without him in it before.. before i met him i wasnt aware of his existence and of his magical world he showed me.. before i met him i was alone but i was ok with it, i was miserable but i was fine with it and i accepted my reality.. i knew i was the lonely girl and that i was gonna be that girl forever.. and then he shows up and literally rocks my world, and moves me, and makes me feel, fall in love, go crazy, he kisses me, he holds me, he takes care of me, he sings and plays for me... he makes me believe that i could actually be happy and that i dont have to be alone and that i could be loved... and now he leaves me.. and now i am more miserable than before cuz now i am aware of his existence and of his world and friends and places and life which i loved being a part of and now im not.. now i feel worse than before...
so girls, im back.. prepare for really depressive, angry, and sad posts.. and now i dont wanna just be thin, i wanna be sick again, i wanna disappear from this earth that just kicks me and messes with me.. it is so mean and unfair.. i wanna be sick, i wanna look scary.. im back.. hello.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

ive always had this repulsive need to be something more than human..

those are my legs
i went to the clinic today.. i got yelled at.. i deserved it..
my nutritionist said im on the lowest weight ive ever been.. she said i dont have any fat left in my body and that im losing a lot of muscle and that i should be really worried.. I told her that it cant be possible, that i dont feel skinny, that i feel fat like i always do, that i look in the mirror and i dont look any thinner.. she told me that she could tell i lost a lot of weight from the moment i walked in.. i asked her what my weight was, she didnt want to tell me so after i went to the gym and weighed myself there... my weight is 49.1 kilograms= 108.5 lbs bmi= 16.9.. This is insane, its crazy!!!!!! I feel like I weigh like 50.5 or something... i never went under 49.8.. what is so weird is that i really cant notice it!.. i stared at the mirror naked for hours and i just look the same, i cant tell the difference, im still not happy.. so the story repeats itself, the story we all know, maybe one more kilo and ill be happy, yeah 1 more kilo... will we ever be beautiful? maybe we already are, and if we are, will we ever see it?
Nutritionist send me loads of food to eat- im fasting so i wont eat nothin.. she told me the gym is forbidden- i am obviously going everyday... she said that if i dont gain she will have to send me ensures again- if she does i will empty them and fill them with water like i used to.. she called my dad and told him i have to eat more- he's never home and he is leaving on a trip for 5 days so what can he do... NO ONE WILL STOP ME, NO ONE CAN MAKE ME EAT, NO ONE CAN SAVE ME, NO ONE CAN HELP ME, NO ONE CAN MAKE ME HEALTHY.. i dont know if this is a good thing or a bad thing... oh well..
I promise ill post some modeling pictures this week im just editing my face and stuff so i can post them.. meanwhile here is another one of my legs.. oh and im still fasting! i wanna lose more and more and more.. ill deal with them later.. love uuuu

dont turn on the light, it scares me...

If u guys have been reading my blog from the start, u know im a really dark and deep and unhappy person.. ive never known something happy.. ive always been sad and i liked it, i got used to it and i didnt mind it.. it was the way i was, it defined me, my personality was sad, my lifestyle, my everything.. I created my own little world where I could vent and be myself, my bible was my secret notebook where i would write really dark and deep poems and quotes, i love it! im really proud of it cause they are actually good, but i cant show them to people cause they wouldnt understand them, I have showed them to u guys, they r some of the titles of my old posts..
People never liked me, but it stopped bothering me, i learned to love to be alone.. the people who were supposed to be there, my own family, my mother and father, my closest friends let me down the worst and hurt me the most, so i learned not to trust anybody and i closed myself.. I created my own little world.. it was sad, dark, and lonely but i loved it.. it was mine, it was my shell, and i belonged there..i felt safe.. I lied a lot, i was the best actress, no one imagined how fucked and messed up i really was, that it was all lies, i have so many secrets that ive never told anyone, so many that some i forget with time.. Ive spent my life looking for myself, trying to find myself, i have no idea who i am, who am i supposed to be, how am i supposed to act, how is my personality.. i used to define myself with words like sad, dead, dark, empty, lonely, wrong, etc I never tried to get out of that depressing state, i just ketp looking for it more and digging deeper, i wanted to be sadder, i liked sad people, i hated happy things, i hated the light, I didnt want help.. I just wanted to be sadder and emptier and sicker and to die more and more each day... Until I have no idea what the fuck happened.. I hit rock bottom, I went into a crisis, i lost whatever nothing i had, I had no control over nothing, at least before I had control over myself, now i couldnt control myself, I was seriously fucked up.. I dont remember what changed or how did it happen but suddenly its like im seeing the world for the first time and its weird.. This just happened a couple of months ago, for the first time in my entire life good things are happenign to me and this is scaring the shit out of me.. I dont know how to react, I dont know how not to be sad, this being a happy person thing i dont know how to deal with it, it doesnt suit me.. this is so fucked up.. my dad is finally looking at me and taking care of me and supporting me, i have this new amazing guy that is crazy about me in my life, my biggest wildest dreams are comming true, i have friends who love me, im getting thinner and thinner... my life is everything i ever wished for, what i always wanted, what ive always dreamt about and yet i miss being sad.. i kinda miss myself.. but i cant find myself cuz i have no reason for being sad at all, and i dont want a reason to be sad cuz i dont want to lose what i have but i really really miss my dark world.. I looked at the world and everybody was so normal and happy and usual, and i wasnt and i liked that, i loved having this secret world of my own, i loved putting on the act, and now i have nothing to act about, im actually kinda ok and it scares me, i dont like it... my biggest fear in the world is becoming a normal person.. id rather die than be normal, normal sucks.. i miss my dead self, but also i came to realize how pathetic i was.. living like a ghost, not living at all, winning my way through life, i felt special cause i have gone through a lot of shit in my life and i suffered a lot, but i dont wanna be special because of that, i wanna be special because of something else, im not special because ive suffered, im special cause i have something different inside me, something amazing and im gonna prove it to the world and do something crazy!..
I guess all this would mean i should want to get better from anorexia and want to get cured.. but this is the only thing i just cant let go, it really is a part of me, it didnt go away like the rest of it.. its still embeded in my blood and in my brain.. i still fast and like bones and want to weigh less and feel fat.. i still starve and i will keep starving until im beautiful, even if it hurts.. i think this proves this is a sickness u dont choose or control.. this proves that if u have it u have it and its not a choice.. my life still revolves around how thin i am..
Ive been fasting for 2 days, i just found out my dad is going to chicago on the weekend so i wont have to eat this weekend so i can fast for 2 weeks straight... im soooo happy!!!!!!!!!!!!
love u girls

Monday, April 19, 2010

not naked enough.. until u see my bones

I keep letting myself down.. I keep procrastinating.. I keep failing.. I wasnt like this, I was never weak, I was never lazy... Im done being like this.. its just pathetic..
Im tired of "pseudo-fasts" where i can bend the rules and allow myself jell-o and soup and light frappuccinos.. its stupid.. im tired of my sunday binges..
It wasnt my worst week, but it wasnt my best either.. I pseudo-fasted through it, ended up weighing like 50 kilos, barely ate on saturday and "binged" on sunday.. im not really calling it a binge cause i only had vegetables and protein, no carbs at all.. but still it was way over my 500 calorie limit i think, and i had to purge.. im tired of this, im disgusted..
when does this stop? no matter how many rules we invent and how much we punish ourselves, we always end up failing and starting again... a stupid cycle.. and im tired of it.
So im gonna stop making long term plans, im just gonna go one day at a time and lets see how that goes..
My singing and acting classes start tomorrow, I have a modeling photoshoot on tuesday, a famous photographer from ny comes to do my modeling book on may 10th and I need to be perfect so im gonna kill myself starting tomorrow.. models dont eat.
I went clubbing last night and I saw a guy friend I hadnt seen in ages... he was really worried, he took me outside and started yelling at me that i was too skinny and that it killed him to see me like this.. he made me promise him i was gonna eat more, he said i didnt look healthy anymore, that my arms and legs look like toothpicks and that u can feel my ribs and bones when u touch me.. he was mad at me.. I WAS HAPPY SOOO HAPPY!! SUCH A RUSH!!!!.. and now i fucked it up binging.. ugh im such a moron..

I always fast on weekdays so well tomorrow i will wake up early, hit the gym, truly fast through the day and let u know how i did at night ok?.. im not messing it up.. i have to weigh at least 48.5 on friday, i need to see the number 48.. im fucking tired of being stuck on 50 and 49..
love u guys

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I dreamed I had nothing at all, nothing but my own skin...

I didnt go to the gym today, i had no time ive been running up and down all day..
I was with my mom at lunch time at a coffee shop and she asked me what I was gonna eat, I made up 100 excuses but she didnt let me go without having anything so I had a light 70 calorie frapuccino.. but ive had nothing else so im not freaking out..

Ive always wanted to be a model, and an actresss, and a SINGER!.. but well obviously i havent done any of that but i will someday i promise... in the meantime my friend and i well, we are really crazy and creative people, i know im a freak, i dont think like normal people do, my head works in a realy strange way and im okay with it cuz ive been using it to my advantage these days.. My friend is different too.. he is the most creative and amazing person i know, the things he creates and imagines and says and does omg i just wish i could look inside his head!!!!
So the point is we have been doing these really cool projects lately with no reason at all, just cuz we love doing them.. we come up with this crazy random idea and we make a photoshoot.. oh u guys i wish i could post the pictures here and u could see the amazing stuff we have done u guys would go crazy!
So todays photoshoot was about hard living and addictions and stuff.. Its the crazyest we have done.. I put on a wig, I was wearing lingerie and heels, I put on a wig, he did this amazing fake tattoo on my chest, and the set was amazing full of cigarettes and alcohol and a bed and stuff.. and so there was like "cocaine" on the table and it was so glamorous and mirrors, and then he put the "cocaine" on my leg and acted like he was gonna sniff it from there, it was so sexy..
And we did another one where he laid me on the bed and put cards and gambling stuff all over me and a bottle of vodka and pearls it was so cool and i was in lingerie just posing i loved it!!
So anyway the photo that I posted above is me.. (the legs are mine) its of last week's photoshoot we did...

I went to the nutritionist today at the clinic and she is really mad cause i lost a lot of weight and ive been telling her im gonna gain it back and ive obviously havent.. so she knows im doing something wrong and im not really eating and she said that if i dont gain she will have to send me ensures again... aghhh i hate her cuz im not even sick or anything, i mean im still getting my period.. its so weird cuz there was a time i wasnt getting my period and i weighed more than i do now, and then i gained weight again and i got my period again and now that i lost the weight and more im still getting my fucking period.. wtf!!!!

Ill weigh myself tomorrow even though i dont want to.. im scared cuz i dont feel that fat right now and i know that if i weigh myself my whole week is gonna get more fucked up than it already is.. (is the fault of a boy im really really really into and sometimes he seems so into me too and then he just seems not into me at all, and i wanna see him cuz he is going 4 days to coachella this weekend and i wont see him and apparently he doesnt care, and im nervous cause last time i saw him he kissed me for the first time and im nervous) aghhhh i hate men!

i love u girls, if u have any cool ideas for shoots share them with me.. i miss u why dont u comment anymore? i know i used to be more fun and inspiring, im sorry im just venting lately ill try to make this less boring...

Monday, April 12, 2010


Binged yesterday... fasted today and burnt 830 cal0ries at the gym

im tired.. so tired of the same fasting binging cycle.. it has to stop, its over. the end.
I have new rules.. im gonna live by them, i cant brake them cause this is who i am. I am samantha, i am anorexic, i am thin, i want to be thinner, i dont ever want to gain and this is the only way to do it.. and because this is all i have in life.
1. I dont give myself permission to eat.. EVER.
2.I only eat when forced to or when it cannot be avoided.
3.I can obviously never ever eat alone.
4.When forced to eat this can only be fruit, vegetables, yoghurt, fish, egg whites, soup.
5.Carbs,chicken and meat are strictly forbidden!
6.When forced to eat never ever go past 500 calories.
7.Burn the amount of calories I eat at the gym.

I hate to eat, I dont want to eat it makes me fat, that is the only thing it does.. food sucks..

My life is such a mess right now.. i have nothing.. nothing to live for.. nothing to wake up to.. and im being serious.. i have nothing to do.
And now theres this new guy im like kinda dating.. im sooo into him, he gives me this rush and its exactly what i need right now, something to make me smile, a reason to make me want to get up in the mornings, a reason... and ive just been seing him for a week and we went out last night to this bar and we sang and got kinda drunk and danced and he kissed me.. like 4 times and it was amazing but today we havent spoken, he just texted me now and i dont know how serious this is and im really nervous... i cant take being dumped right now.. im to fragile, i swear i cant take it, my heart cant take anything else right now...

what do u do when u really dont trust urself?.. when u have so many dreams and so many things u wanna do but u dont even try cause u already know ur a failiure cause uve always been a failiure... cause uve always fucked up everything uve done and uve never finished anything uve ever started and no one trusts u anymore and no one believes in u, and u have no one to rely on anymore, not even urself... what if ur tired of being that pathetic person that everyone steps on and pittys and u try so hard and u fight to destroy that image and to look strong and to impress everybody and actually be good at something and get better but nothing u do works, cause now they dont pitty u, they just dont look at u and now ur the one that pittys urself...
im so tired of this life it sucks..
at least before i liked being sad.. being sad filled me, at least the feeling of emptyness, and sadness, and lonelyness was enough for me.. it gave me a reason and a meaning and i wrote quotes and i felt i was good at something but now that just looks stupid and boring to me and it sucks.. i dont know if i want to be happy, i dont know if i will ever be, i dont know if i want to be sad, i dont know if i want to be dead or alive, all i know is i dont want to be here in the middle, i dont want to be this piece of nothing that doesnt belong to anything...

today i was thinking.. i just want to be loved by someone, yeah.. i want someone to love me.. someone, anyone.. but i cant even love myself.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

some girls are just born with glitter in their veins...

Hello girls!
Today I went to an interview at a modeling agency.. tomorrow they will let me know if they hire me or not but i think i nailed it.. everything was going swell for the day until they measured me and i got in a really bad mood.. apparently my measurements are perfect but i hated them..
chest- 33 waist- 24 hips- 36 OMG im such a huge whale!!!!
what sucks the most is that i was actually starting to feel thin again.. im wearing my first pair of size 2 skinny jeans and they are baggy on me, i just bought them last week.. and now i feel fat again... when will it be enough? when will i feel thin? when will i feel beautiful?
Im supposed to be fasting forever unless im forced to eat, but i arrived at my friends house while he was having lunch and he made me eat something so i had vegetable soup and didnt eat the potatos... but i didnt eat anything else i am not gonna binge or anything cause in my mind im still fasting.. I couldnt hit the gym today but tomorrow i will go and burn my regular 500 cals...
Im so excited for my new life! I have so many projects in mind! I wont stop till i hit they sky i swear, thats where im meant to be, not here on the ground... i know i will be someone huge and great and id rather die than not get there.. LIVE UR DREAM PEOPLE.. why be mediocre?
Im weighing myself on friday.. im not looking forward to it anymore.. but i promise ill be 48 before the month is over.. i love u

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

my way or no way

Oh my god... I cant believe its been over a month since i last posted.. I thought it was like 2 weeks or something.. this is crazy i lost track of time..
I wasnt posting but i would still check ur blogs everyday without fail.. I never disconnected, i just couldnt get myself to write..
This month has been awful.. i cant even put it into words.. im not even gonna try and tell u about it cause it would take forever and i dont even understand everything that has happened to me but its just so much stuff!
I fell into this enormous dark hole and stayed there for a month, and there was no way out, dirt kept falling on top and i really really wanted to die.. everything was just horrible, every aspect of my life, i couldnt find one little thing that gave me a reason to live.. i cant describe what i felt cause i dont think i was feeling anything.. i was just a piece of nothing, just a body taking up space, empty... i realized im this huge failure, ive never done anything in my whole life.. i suck at everything, and my family hates me, i hate me, and i dont wanna live in here, i hate it here, and i dont wan to study international relations i hate it, and i dont want this fat body, and i just fucking hated my life.. stuck, stuck, stuck... but finally i lost the weight! i lost it and i got back to 49.5 kilograms and that saved me!!!!! this past month i have been fasting from monday through friday and eating very little on weekends with my family..
I have no idea what happened but im tired of being everyone elses doormat.. im tired of being pittied, im tired of trying so hard to suck so people feel sorry for me and i can get their attention.. this is my last chance at life, and i decided that if i was gonna live it, i was gonna live it to the fullest.. i was actually going to do what i want to do, and study what i want to study, and fight for my dreams, and live the way i want to! And finally after years and years of fighting and struggling my dad is supporting me on this.. I dont know what made him help me stand up instead of kicking me to the floor, i dont know how and why he changed but he is not acting like my enemy anymore and actually supporting me..
He is actually paying for my modeling portfolio, finding acting and singing academies, moving his influences and using his name to get me to meet important people in the entertainment business which has always been my dream..
I decided that if im going to live i will LIVE!! i will have the life i wanted to have! whats the point in being someone u dont like? in doing something that makes u miserable? in just dreaming and doing nothing? in being mediocre?, whats the fucking point to be alive if it just sucks and it hurts and its boring and u hate it?
this is my last chance at life and i only want to live my way or no way..
It was passover this week and i could fast cause i had family luncheons and dinners so i gained like 4 pounds but im fasting again since sunday so im working on losing them again.. and im going down to 47 kilograms before this month ends..
oh i forgot to mention I left uni so i have nothing to do and my life is still a mess but im working on it.. im sorry i left u, im coming back..