Tuesday, June 29, 2010

cant breathe under all this fat

i feel fat.. im fat..im so so so fucking fat its disgusting.. my ass is huuugeeeeeeee... looking in the mirror makes me want to vomit.. i hate myself, i am an obese pig.. i went shopping today and couldnt buy anything.. size 26 jeans fit perfectly but i couldnt buy them, i look fat.. im fat.. my thighs are huge.. im horribly disgusting.. my ass is the worst, i have like 2 huge balloons..
I need to get out of this body, i desperately need to escape this awful body and be free, i feel suffocated, trapped, encaged, i cant breathe.. HELP

-2 cups of vegetable soup (forced) 150 calories
-1 frozen yogurt 250 calories (purged some)
-a lot of coffee, i lost count
-a lot of water

I feel like its a loooooottttttt, i feel i wont lose weight.. i feel huge, im huge, im disgusting, pleaseeee i need to lose this fat.. i wanna kill myself, i wanna die..

I dont know how to lose weight anymore, everything makes me gain weight.. what should i eat?
what is better, fruit? vegetables? soup? yogurt?.. what should i eat to losee this fucking weight..
please help me!!!!!! what do u guys eat? i feel i only lose when i fast and i cant fast my mom wont let me.. helppppp meeeeeeeeee

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I dont want to be alone, I want to be left alone...

Hello girlies!!
So this weekend sucked.. Friday I weighed 111.5 which meant I was losing a pound daily.. But then I had a family dinner and couldnt stop eating.. thats the problem when u starve every day, that when u eat one single solid thing then u cant stop.. I got home and into the shower and puked everything out, my throat was on fire.. Then I stepped on the scale after puking and it said 117.5.. I had a huge panic attack.. Yesterday I woke up with a cold and had nothing all day but 2 chai lattes with soy milk.. And today I weighed myself and Im back to 112 which is not so bad..
Im just sick of staying in 112 all the time, i hate it.. I need to get to 105 urgently, then to 99.. Ive had nothing but a coffee today, even though I have the worst cold on earth, im super sick.. Im praying my mom doesnt make me eat anything.. If she does ill just have some soup or yogurt..
Tomorrow I need to be 111 at least.. I hate not looking sick, like too skinny.. I need it my body is craving it so bad i cant stand just being "thin".. I want my beautiful beautiful bones out.. I dont want this ass, i dont want boobs, i want bones..
Love u girls.. no giving into temptations this week..

Friday, June 25, 2010

Only after total destruction, we can be resurrected..

I woke up at 6 am to pee, i weighed myself.. 114 wtf??? i went back to bed and cried for hours, i had nightmares.. i woke up again at 12, i weighed myself.. 112.5 wtf?? i weighed 3 times to make sure it was true.. it was real.. i lost another pound.
Today was awful.. it was painful, lonely, hurtful, sad, real, hateful, rotten, horrible.. and the light bothered me, i hate light.. i needed darkness, all day i needed it and the daylight wouldnt go away and it was killing me..
I sat hiding behind the door, listening to them (my bi-polar, manic-depressive, crazy, irresponsible, pathetic mother's side of the family) talking shit about me and my sister, saying the most cruel things about us, the most hurtful words.. I didn't defend myself, I just sat there listening to what the world thinks of me, to what my "family" thinks of me.. Apparently I am a monster, i dont have any feelings, i am a hypocrite, i just use my mother and i am on my dad's side, i am sick, crazy, i am to blame for all my mother's problems, i just care about money and that is why i live with my father, i have a stone heart, i just want to hurt my mother, i dont eat to cause her pain, i am a backstabbing bitch, she should be careful and not trust me, i want to abandon her, i wouldnt care if she dies, i am selfish, etc etc etc.... all of this just because i asked them to stop talking shit about my dad to my sister and me cause it is painful..

I hid in my room for hours and hours, hungry, thirsty... I cried and cried and cried and cried some more... then put on my make up on again in case someone came in (i didnt want to show the broke me) but no one ever came in, no one cared.. I called my dad who is in mexico, he didnt care either but im used to him not caring.. I held my blackberry all day waiting for someone to care, to call, to text... no one did.. that's when it hit me again.. I am alone, i have no one, i have nothing, i am nothing, its only me and i hate myself.. why do i have to be with myself, i cant stand the sight of me.. I dont want to look at myself, I dont want to be with myself.. I stayed locked in the room until dark, and i then it i couldnt be alone with myself anymore.. i got dressed, took my things and left the house.. walked, and walked, and walked until i found a denny's.. i ordered black coffee and sat there reading the menu, eating everything on it inside my head.... my grandmother called me, asked me where i was and i told her.. she came and we talked and fought, and yelled, until she understood me and saw they were wrong, she realized my sister and I are killing ourselves slowly because of years of these situations and abuse and said she was sorry.. i forgave her, she is old and was the only one that noticed i was gone and cared enough to come get me..
She knew I ate nothing yesterday and today, she told me I had to eat something.. I said the only thing i could eat was frozen yogurt.. she took me to get some, i served myself a loot i dont know why.. I ate half, then purged what i could.. I asked her to take me to 24 hour fitness (it was 11:30 pm) i said i needed it because of the stress, i burnt 475 calories, I came back and finished the yogurt, wanted more but there was none so i ate peanut butter instead, a lot.. wtf? I ran into the bathroom and puked like 10 times until it hurt and i had to come out cause my mom would become suspicious... I am scared, i dont want to sleep, i need to burn more calories, i cant gain weight, i need to lose weight, im fat, so fucking fat, im scared.. please help me.
I want to weigh 99 pounds.. my goal was 110, then i thought of 105.. but i realized that is mediocre and obese.. I want to weigh 99 pounds.. I have to lose 13 pounds urgently or i will cut the fat out with a knife. i am not kidding.. my legs are huge.. i cant believe i thought i was thin, i cant believe people tell me im too thin, I AM NOT TOO THIN.. my bmi is 17.6.. i want it to be 15.5.. I WILL MAKE IT.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Now that ive given up hope I feel so much better..

Hello? Hello?.. I dont know if anyone reads this anymore.. i hope someone does.. When I write here I like to imagine that someone, anyone out there will read it, someone will listen, someone will care.. maybe someone will feel identified, maybe someone will understand me... and if not, at least someone will know the real me and not what i fake every single day...

I feel sad again.. I feel the sadness slowly creeping up my toenails into my feet and up into the rest of my body.. I welcome it back, I don't fight it. I missed it.. It belongs here, it fits, it is welcome.
I'm feeling like myself again.. maybe happiness isnt for everyone. Maybe some people are really meant to be lonely, and empty, and sad, and dark, and hollow..
I feel like myself again, i feel home, I belong here... I was fighting it, neglecting it, I didnt want to be sad, I tried to be happy and have a life, I put myself out there, exposed myself, I left the dark and tried to live in sunlight, I walked away from my cave and promised never to come back.. but the sun felt so cold, it wasnt welcoming, its rays tanned my skin but didnt give me warmth.. Inside my cave I left my masks, my walls, my fears and i just exposed my naked body and soul to the world.. My new goal was to be happy, forget everything, let people in, follow my dreams, fall in love, put myself out there... now im heartbroken, crushed, backstabbed, mistreated, and i felt nothing, nothing at all.. I felt no pain, I felt nothing, no sadness but no happiness either.. And thats where i remember why i put myself in that cave, in that dark hole in the first place.. because id rather feel pain than nothing at all.. and again i see the world sucks, people suck, people are the most fake and dreadful creatures in this universe and that is why i had kept them all away for so long.. what they dont know is that they cant hurt me more than i hurt myself.. oh how stupid i was to think i could be happy, and i would have a life like others full of love and smiles and bliss.. I was meant to be sad, i have always been sad, i was meant to be lonely, I have always been lonely.. Id rather feel lonely alone than sorrounded by people..
I cant really express what im feeling right now.. I just stopped fighting who i am because i understood i wasnt meant for a normal life and ive never wanted to be normal anyway so it doesnt really matter.. Im ok now, im at peace, i feel at home, i feel safe.. I dont have to fake it anymore cause no one even gives a shit.. I am the only one i have to please and i will dedicate my existence to that again, to please my eyes when they look in the mirror.. and because i want my body to feel like my soul: empty, hollow so that i can feel that I belong inside it. Its ironic, but my sadness is making me happy.. I am actually feeling something and im inspired again, i am me again..
I dont know if any of this makes sense but it does in my head.. its hard to explain..

I did not lose any weight today, i weighed the same- 113.5 so i decided to fast and it was amazing.. I love this feeling of being clean and empty. I also went to the gym and burnt 850 calories.. I did almost two hours of cardio.. I hurt my bad knee and it is really swollen and hurts like hell, and it makes me proud. I still feel fat.. maybe tomorrow ill feel better..
good night

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I like to think I'm a mess ud wear with pride...

Hello my angels!
So ive managed to get myself down to 113.5.. thats what the scale said today anyway.. My eating is not as perfect as it should be, but im getting there... at least im not binging or eating forbidden foods.. And ive been hitting the gym yesterday I burnt 370 calories and today I burnt 540..
Today's intake-
Fruit- 50 cal
some salad- 50 cal
4 coffees- 20 cal
1 light fuze- 10 cal
1 frozen yoghurt- 3o0?

I have no idea how many calories frozen yoghurt has.. I have to find out and i should really stop eating that.. im just so addicted and its one of the only things i let myself eat, and it also doesnt make me binge after... Its been too much food, i have to lower it..
I hope tomorrow i weigh less or else i will kill myself..
I discovered i have been punishing myself with food.. Ive always been self-destructive and kind of a masochist, and i hurt myself.. before it was by not eating and starving cause i wanted to eat.. now i dont want to eat and my mind is like tricking me and i think ive been punishing myself and hurting myself with food.. ive been eating cause i know that makes me hate myself and it hurts.. its like im in fucking reverse mode or something... but im turning it arround again.. im gaining my control back..
"Wasted" is inspiring me again! I feel so identified with her when the anorexia part starts!.. its like she is talking about me!.. My life with this disorder exactly as it is, my weird habits and everything!.. u guys should read it if u havent!..
ill let u know my weight tomorrow!.. lov u

Monday, June 21, 2010

Even a dead clock shows the right time twice a day...

Hello Lovelies!

Todays intake-
1 coffee- 5 cal
1 coffee with sugar free syrup- 15 cal
1 hot n sour soup- 100 cal
1 plate of chop suey- 50 cal or so
1 diet coke- 0 cal
1 sprite zero- 0 cal
1 yogurt- 100 cal
1 light fuze- 5 cal
total= 285 cal

TOO MUCH! But I did not eat anything alone, and no binging, this is a good start! im excited to weigh myself tomorrow! Im nervous cause I think there is a stomach virus going on in my house, my aunt and grandma got it and now my mom and I arent feeling good!.. Im praying not to get it cause that means i wont be able to go to the gym tomorrow and lots of vomiting! (if i get it, at least i wont be able to eat anything)
Im currently reading Wasted by Marya Hornbacher for some inspiration, i just started it and im liking it.. ill let u know..

See (from See's Shrinking) I love u so much! ur comments always make me smile and inspire me! stay strong and thanx for believing in me!! I saw ur pic and ur beautiful!

Good night girls i feel awful.. lets wish for better numbers in the morning!!!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Until my shadow weighs more than me..

My beautiful, beautiful girls.. im sorry...
I promise i never left, i was always here, i was just hiding.. I kept reading ur blogs daily but i just couldnt bring myself to write.. I will never abandon you again, Im sorry..

I wont tell u what has happened in my life, its really not important.. I was just really away from Ana, i couldnt feel her inside me and i didnt want to come back here until i was back for good..
My eating habits have been so random and weird and awful.. I survive on frozen yoghurt, and then spoonfuls of peanut butter at night, and when im forced to eat solid food, i dont know how to stop.. I havent been excersizing or fasting cause im in San Diego at my grandparents house with my mom's family for this month, and they are all watching me and freaking out about my weight and eating habits.
I am 5'7 and Ive been fluctuating between 112 and 115 pounds.
Before today I was okay with being 112, I knew I wasnt perfect but i felt thin.. Well im not okay with it anymore.. When did I decide to stop losing weight? when did I leave my dream? When did I become mediocre? I want to be perfect, empty, frail, clean, pure, and I am going to get there.. So my first goal is 110 pounds, then I will get to 105, and so on..
I am sitting in the exact spot where I started this blog almost a year ago, and I weighed 122 pounds.. This year my lowest weight has been 107 pounds, but I could stay on that weight because of my horrible binging habits.. I WILL FINISH WHAT I STARTED, I AM NOT A FAILURE, I STARTED PROJECT BARBIE HERE AND I WILL FINISH IT HERE...(even though im not sure if it will ever finish)..
Im back my babies, please forgive me, i never stopped thinking about u guys.. I will write my daily intake every night, and my weight, I will weigh myself in the morning and at night and post that too.
1. I only eat when I have to eat and there is no possible way out!
2.I do not want to eat, I hate food, it makes me fat, so i have to try and avoid it at all costs!
3. Every day I have to weigh less than the day before! Every ounce counts!
4. I can never ever ever eat anything by myself! any single thing that has calories!
5. I love hunger, I want to feel hunger, if i dont feel hungry im not doing it right.
6. When forced to eat, I can only eat the amount that I was forced to, not one extra piece!!!
7. When forced to eat, it can only be fruit, vegetables, fish, yogurt, or soup.
8. When forced to eat, always purge if possible.
10. As much water as possible!!!


I want to lose my period again!!! I miss feeling dizzy and weak!!! I miss ana! please come back!.. I dont even know why my family worries so much about me if i look healthy, i want to look sick again.. i wanna be sick!!!! I LOVE U!!.. LETS DO THIS TOGETHER! DONT LET ME FALL!