Thursday, October 29, 2009

accident waiting to happen..

I fucking hate myself.. I hate myself!.. aaaaaaaaghhhhhhhh!!!

I could of fasted today, I didnt.. I ate a huuge salad.. im guessing 300 cal

I thought i wouldnt eat again.. apparently my stepmom decided to make a delicious huge family dinner... fattening delicious.. I havent eaten yet.. they are setting the table.. I cant escape it..

Im scared of myself. When i start eating there is no way I can stop.. something comes over me, and i cant stop.. i need help..

I did go to the gym today.. I burnt 750 cal.. and i did lots of weights..

i wont gain right? i cant possinly gain..

i weighed myself today.. 53.6 kilos

at least im the same as i was last week..

maybe its my muscles growing..

can somebody please explain to me how it works? how many calories does my body use up only for living?

how can u guys leave food untouched on the plate and not eat it?


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Suicide is painless.. its only life that hurts.

Hey people..

so heres a little recap..


-after i wrote the last post, i went to pf changs with my ex and ate an entire bowl of shrimp, 1 spring roll, veggies, some chicken... TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!

-after that i went to monterrey with my friend and she had prepared dinner (aaaagghh) so I ate some jicama and some panela cheese..


-forced to eat breakfast so i had some fruit with a little yoghurt.

-had salad with chicken and vegetable soup for lunch.. (i could have avoided the chicken)

-lots of alcohol and soda!! (bloateeeeed)


-had a big frozen yoghurt with strawberries for breakfast.

-shrimp, veggies, salad with avocado!!!.. too much!!! for lunch

-salmon and veggies (lots of veggies) for dinner.. im a pig


-yoghurt with some strawberries for breakfast

-only a little piece of potato for lunch.

-burnt 550 cal on the eliptical

-shrimp, salad, lots of veggies, and wine for dinner... too much! (purged what i could)


burnt 500 cal on the eliptical

-fruit for breakfast (50 cal)

-a lot of broccoli (50 cal), some chicken (im guessing 100 cal), carrot soup (50 cal), sauce( 40 cal)

-planning on pilates and burning another 500 cal on the eliptical

what do u guys think.. am i a huge fat pig or what?

I dont know what to do!, please help me!.. i lost my inner strength, i lost my hatred towards food

I have no idea how much food i can eat and still lose weight?

i need to ask u guys a huge favor!!! could u guys comment here what u eat in a day when u are losing weight?.. how many calories and what do u eat, what food.. pleaaaaaseee!!!!!

i need help!!!!

parents leaving to argentina on sunday for a week! perfect opportunity to fast!!!!

u guys have no idea how i feel.. i can see myself in the mirror, i know im thin, but i still hate myself!.. why is this hot body not enough?.. why do i want my bones to show, why do i want to look and be fragile?.. why do i wanna be underweight?.. why do i want my legs to be as skinny as my arms?.. and how can i get there? ....

too scared to weigh myself, too fucking scared... HELP ME PLEASE COMMENT!

Friday, October 23, 2009

No apologies, no excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame..

Hey girlies!..

Im sorry for not posting as much as I did.. I just dont feel I deserve too.

Last week was total failure! I ate like a pig! like a pig fat pig!.. I only ate veggies, protein, fruit, and very little carbs.. but I ate a looooooot of all that stuff..

I weighed myself on monday and the scale said 53.5.. Ive been going crazy since then..

Over excersicing, trying to eat less, taking laxies...

I havent weighed myself since then.. im too scared!.. im so afraid of the number 54..

53 I can take, its still kinda safe.. but if I get to 54 I am literally killing myself.. PERIOD.

Ive been burning at least 500 calories every day, sometimes 600, yesterday I burnt 1110..

and also ive been doing one hour of pilates every day.. what i dont fucking get is why am i still not fucking skinny.. im sorry but im really really frustrated and mad!.. i dont get it!.

I havent been eating more than 500 calores, maximum 600 (cause ive been forced to eat) but ive been burning them off.. so somebody please tell me what is happening!!!!!

Today Im going to Monterrey to visit one of my best friends.. I already told u about her.. she is the one that was hours from death in a hospital bed weighing only 24 kilos..

thank god, she is now healthy weighing 53 kilos I think.. I know we are going to have an amazing time together but I feel fat when im around her.. even though im not, cause we are the same weight and im taller; i feel like im a failiure cause she made it and i didnt.. obviously my goal isnt death.. its just to be thin and empty and perfect.. why cant i get their?..

im also stressed cause i wont be able to go to the gym until monday night, and her parents will make us eat a lot this weekend!.. Im really, really, really scared of gaining more weight!.. god please help me!.. please keep that 54 away from me!!! omg i dont know what to do..

Im going to this delicious new restaurant right now with my ex-boyfriend.. i hate going to yummy restaurants cause i wanna order everything and i cant.. and usually i give in.. and if i dont, then im in a bad anxy mood all day.. ugh i hate my life.. i hate myself!.. somebody kill me..

talk to u guys on monday..

Sunday, October 18, 2009

No one to lean on, rely on, or blame..


I dont know whats happening to me!.. IM HUNGRY!..ALL THE TIME!..

I havent been avoiding food.. only breakfast!... whats weird is I look forward to lunch and dinner.. I dont despise it anymore like I used to.. im scared of this..

I believe its cause Ive been excersizing every day!.. even weekends.. Ive been burning at least 500 calories daily and pilates every other day.. working out is making me eat.. at least i think im not gaining cause of the excersize but still.. im not really losing..

My parents are leaving on a trip to argentina for a week on november 1st.. i cant wait for them to leave.. im gonna fast all week.. but I dont know what to do till then.. I hate feeling fat.. even though I weigh 52 kilos.. I just wish Im under 50.. I neeed it!..

What sucks the most is that people are starting to tell me that I look better.. that I look healthier.. which means Im fatter!!!!!.. which means i dont look sick anymore.. and i know im kinda messed up but i really wanna look sick.. not just look sick.. i wanna be sick.. i wanna be pale, and empty, and i want my bones to show.. help me..

I dont know how to have food infront of me and not eat.. I dont know how to only have one..

I know I promised I would stop purging... im sorry but i let u down today..

I haaad to puke dinner.. For the last week ive been surviving mostly on vegetables and fish.. Its the only thing I allow myself to eat.. also some sauces and dressings.. and I dont know why I feel so fat after I eat.. I dont get it!.. I feel like I ate Ice cream and cake when I just ate veggies!.. this is what happened to me today and I had to run to the bathroom and puke.. and im thinking of taking some laxies.. im sorry.

I dont feel anorexic anymore.. I dont feel like I belong here anymore.. I feel like a total failure.. someone please remind me how my lifestyle should be like.. please! I need u now more than ever!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Everyday is a bad dream I cant wake up from..

Hey girls!

Ive got this new lifestyle going on!.. it mostly depends on over- excersizing..

I neveeer excersized!! eveeeeer!.. I hated it!.. But I refuse to gain more weight, I refuse to stay in this weight.. so it seems my only choice is to kill myself at the gym..

I saw my ed doctor on wednsesday.. she believes all my crap..

I tell her I eat waaay more than I really do.. I tell her I dont purge.. I tell her im not working out.. and she believes me.

I think she is the dumbest doctor in the world!.. does she really think that ive been able to stay at 52 kilos with all the fucking food she is giving me?.. seriously.. what kind of doctor is she?

So.. I wake up early, I go to the gym, I run until I burn 500 calories, then I do pilates, go into the vapor room, take a shower, fake tan myself, go to school, get home, eat lunch with my family, puke what I can, go to the gym again, try to burn at least 350 calories more.. then move on with my day..

Is it enough or should I do more that that?

My family is really believing ive got this new healthy lifestyle, change of attitude or something going on haha... my fake tan makes me look healthier, and they still cant believe im working out.. They obviously dont know im working out that much..

The only problem of doing so much excersize is that it makes me really hungry.. I dont have any breakfast, I try to wait until lunch.. but then I just start pigging out on whatever is infront of me.. usually its salad or soup or fish.. but still im eating more than I used too.. Im trying to control myself.. Ive also been having dinner.. I take laxies but still, i cant allow myself dinner...

If I want to work out, I need to eat.. so my plan is to it 500 calories at the most every day.. and burn at least 500 calories every day + pilates...

BURN EVERYTHING I EAT.. thats my new philosophy.. im done with purging! its making my stomach the size of a 9 month pregnant woman..

tell me if u like my plan.. tell me if i should work out more.. tell me anything..


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

There is nobody here but me and my reflection.. I dont know which I hate the most..

Hello people!..

Ive got no interesting news for u.. nothing has changed..

my self hatred wont go away.. and the disgust when i look at the mirror is making me crazy..

I dont even have to look at the mirror to see the fat anymore..I just feel it..

I dotn know how much I weigh.. Im praying its not more than 54..

Its so hard to avoid eating when everyone is forcing u to do it..

Im supposed to follow the diet plan that the doctor at the clinic gave me.. I added up the calories and its like 1000.. she is fucking crazy.. Im also supposed to write down everything I eat, the time, with who, and what I felt when I ate.. Im obviously lying like crazy.. the good thing is my parents arent checking it.. I didnt tell thema about it..

My stepomom is kinda stupid.. she gives me my breakfast to go instead of making me sit down and eat it infront of her.. ofcourse i throw it away the minute I leave..

Lunch is the only thing that is impossible to avoid.. but Ive been managing to eat only veggies, soup, and sometimes fish.. i wont eat meat or chicken..

Then I puke what I can..

I try to avoid dinner but if I cant then I puke again and take laxies..

Im also hitting the gym.. I hate working out but I have to start doing it if I wanna lose.. Im starting with one hour a day and then Ill do more.. its kinda hard when u dont eat..

I have this rule that I only eat what they make me eat.. There is only one thing I allow myself to eat and its sugar-free light jello.. I think it only has 10 cals..

I hate being a bulimic.. I fucking hate it.. But its the only choice ive got right now..

I decided I wont let them win.. there is no way in hell that i will get fat.. i wont allow it.. they can do whatever they want to me but im not getting fatter..

Tomorrow I will weigh myself.. Im so fucking scared.. god help me!

todays food-

-1 sugar free light jello

-2 tiny cubes of melon

-1 plate of broccoli

-1 plate of vegtebale soup

-1 artichoke (ill try to avoid it)

-1 sugarfree light jello

-2 liters of water

-coffee and tea

then purging until im empty

Sunday, October 11, 2009

id rather feel pain than nothing at all

Sometimes i just sit and wonder what the hell am I doing here... and if I would die today, what would I leave in this world, who would remember me?, what would they remember me by?, would they miss me?, who are they?..

Im sick and tired of being nothing, being no one.. just a waste of space, a ghost without a home..sometimes i wonder if i will ever have a home.. a place where i truly belong.. a place where im wanted..

i dont know what im supposed to do anymore.. im sick of waiting for life to happen.. a part of me wishes to belong, to be a part of something.. but another part of me knows that will never happen, that i will always stand out.. and sometimes standing out is not a good thing..

i hate this moment, this time.. i hate evreything about it.. im standing in the middle of 20 roads and i dont know which one to take.. what if i take the wrong one?..

im stuck in between who i was, who i am, who i want to be, and who im supposed to be... i have no idea which one is which..

if somebody could just please show me!!!.. help me!!.. tell me!! what do do, who to be!!..

sometimes i just stare at the mirror for hours and hours.. i just stare, trying to find myself.. sometimes i try to see inside me, sometimes i try to see what other see.. but i feel blind.. i dont see anything.. i look at the girl, i see her.. i hate her.. i know im somewhere inside her, lost, stuck, trapped...ive tried everything.. but i just cant seem to escape, to come out.. sometimes i feel im getting close.. when i dont eat for days, when i feel empty, i feel closer to her, to myself.. if they would just let me get to her!.. set her free!.. let me feel empty and weightless, and maybe i can find some peace tonight.. maybe i can sleep...

maybe god made a mistake and put me in the wrong, life, wrong time, wrong person.. maybe thats what i am, a mistake.. it would explain everything.. maybe if my heart stops beating it wont hurt so much.. maybe if my body would hurt as much as my soul i could feel connected to it.. i would feel i belonged inside here.. but i dont...

i dream of unzipping this skin.. of just leaving this stranger somewhere and fly!.. i wish my soul would come out to play and breathe!.. who am i, why am i here, where am i supposed to be?..

i feel fat.. i feel full.. i have been eating normally lately (like 600 or 700 cal).. i hate normality.. i havent written cause i dont feel i deserve too.. i dont feel ana.. im loooooost

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Here, alone, and lonely.

Still no tears...

I dont know why I want to cry so much, its like i need to cleanse myself...

I went to the doctor today.. She said I weighed 52.. I dont believe her.. I feel heavier..

She gave me this new eating plan.. it fucking sucks!!!!

she wants me to eat in a day what i eat in a week!

breakfast- fruit and cottage cheese

snack- cucumber

lunch-meat, chicken or fish and veggies and rice or bread!!

snack-granola bar

dinner-veggies an protein

I hate her!!! she said I wont gain weight with this.. she is a fucking liar!.. The only reason they are giving me this is to make me gain!!!

She also said I have somebody has to watch me eat at all times, I cant go out to eat with my friends, and I cant go clubbing for a month, and I cant excercise!! who the hell does she think she is?

Thank god my dad hasnt asked me to show him my eating plan.. If he doesnt make me show it to him then ill probably get away with eating less and going out...

I wish they would understand that there plan is not fucking working!.. the more they make me eat, the more I purge!.. they are making me worse.. what would u pick? an anorexic daughter or a bulimic daughter?.. (would it hurt if u realized that its ur fault she turned bulimic?)

I dont get what my life is lately..who I am, who I wanna be, who im supposed to be, etc..

I know nothing!.. The prozac is really clouding up and messing up my mind!..

I know im somewhere inside this skin.. I just cant find myself! I dont think im even looking for myself!.. The only thing I want is to disappear.. I want it so bad!.. I need the world to stop! I cant keep doing this!.. I cant keep acting like nothings wrong, when actually nothing is right!!! I cant keep living this life I hate, this life that is not even mine!.. this life that i dont even get..

I wish somebody would notice.. I wish somebody woukd look at me, really look at me and see through me!.. see through the bullshit, the lies, the acting, the fake smile.. and actually see the emptyness, the pain, the hate, the fear... and I wish they would just hug me.. just hold me for a while.. make me feel better.. even for a second..

I heard this song on the radio.. its called Bodies by Robbie Williams

U guys should listen to it.. I felt a connection..

Here is a part of it-

All we’ve ever wantedIs to look good naked

Hope that someone can take it

God save me rejection

From my reflection

I want perfection

I ate too much today.. puked twice and took some laxies.. hope I dont gain.. wish I would lose, but i know its not happening..

but im not letting go! not ever!.. someday I will make it!.. I promise!.. someday I will make it!

Monday, October 5, 2009

I could cry, I really could cry right now. Fortunately or not, Im anesthesized by emotions I'm dying to feel.

So guess what?

Im oficially not underweight anymore.. at least I think so..

I dont know how much I weigh.. I dont even wanna know.. Im guessing 53 or so..

What I do know is that I got my period today.. I fucking hate this..

I know I should be glad cuz this means Im healthy.. but im kinda messed up.. I dont wanna be healthy.. I wanna be underweight!...

I was at my happiest last week.. I was empty and only 50 kilos.. My period was 2 weeks late, I was weak, I was cold, I was pale, I was beautiful... now im just the complete opposite..

Today I tried to fast but I was forced to eat lunch and dinner..

I hate this.. I hate my life.. They are making me misserable.. food makes me wanna die!!!

They are not helping me!.. I desperately need to fast!!!!!! i need it so baad it hurts!

My dad is going on a trip to Argentina on November 1st.. Its my only chance to fast.. I will fast through his whole trip!.. I need it to be november noooow!.. I dont know what ill do till then.. Every day I eat I feel like a total fat failure.. I dont know how to eat anymore.. anything is too much.. I dont even want fruit.. I feel like everything I eat makes me fatter and fatter...

Ive never felt this helpless and desperate!.. I feel like my life is falling apart..

There is nothing I want more than to feel weak and empty! I need my body to feel like my soul..

Besided my Anorexia.. My life sucks.. No guy takes me seriously, Im just a disposable barbie to them.. And the only guy that does is my ex boyfriend and he is the only guy that I dont want..

My family situation sucks.. There is nothing interesting in my life.. I want to escape from this skin.. from this moment.. I want to feel!!!!! I cant even cry.. I wish I could cry!.. Feel the tears pour down my face.. But they wont come out..

I need u guys more than ever.. I need reasons to hold on!.. I cant fall into normality!.. please dont let me go!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Dont try to fix me, Im not broken..


Im sorry I havent been posting as much.. I dont know whats happening.. I feel completely detached from this world, from ana.. which kills me cause its the only world I know, the only world I know how to live in...

I know its the prozac.. its messing with my mind.. but i have to take it, cause when I dont then I feel like I wanna die of fatness.. Its the only way I can deal with the fact that they are making me gain weight without wanting to kill myself..

I was finally getting there.. I was tiny footsteps away from ana's world.. and then I am being pulled back away from her!..

I wish I could fast!.. Its my only wish, my only desire!.. I cant even make it through one day without someone making me eat.. I hate food!!! i despise it!.. I wish I could escape and control my life!..

The funny thing is that people have started to notice that im anorexic.. People are starting to worry about me, to care, to give me all this attention and what fucking sucks is that it wont last... cause my fucking family is making me fat again and fatness does not get attention.. thiness, and weakness, and paleness, and bones do!..

I just want to disappear.. I want to be empty!.. I hate my life right now!! Somebody help me escape!!

Ana is all I have and they are taking her away from me.. Why do they want me to be alone? I need her!

I fucking hate people!.. They are just jealous cause I look model skinny and perfect and they dont!.. I wish I could just die!.. Id rather die than live this way!..

I dont understan why im not getting my period if im fucking fat.. I dont even remember when my last period was.. u know what the worst part is? that I dont wanna get my period again.. because if i do, it means im not underweight and that sucks.. id rather be underweight and perfectly skinny than ovulating...

I wish I could just die...