Sunday, January 31, 2010


I dont even know where to start..
my conducts have been nowhere near anorexic..
I was perfect.. I weighed 49 kilograms, I was pale, weak, fragile, bony, beautiful..
I dont know what happened but i ruined me.. I always had control, food was my worst enemy.. It was me against the piggish society that i lived in, and i was winning.. I tricked everyone around me and got thinner every day.. I got all the attention I wanted and more.. I was the center of attention.. My clothes were big, my legs were toothpicks, I was beautiful..
I was the definition of anorexic, and for the first time in my life i was happy.. I had nothing else but myself, but i loved myself...

What the fuck happened to me? The last month I have been in a cycle of starving, binging, and purging.. mostly binging... I am completely disgusted by myself.. I dont even look in the mirror anymore cause I dont want to see the damage.. I used to binge but mostly twice a month.. Now I do it 3 or more times a week.. never ever ever ate carbs or drank milk.. now i "fast" with capuccinos and lattes.. that is not fasting!.. instead of losing or mantaining, ive gained like crazy.. I havent weighed myself but I think I weigh like 54 kilograms... MY NIGHTMARE..

I completely forgot what eating is.. I dont know the difference between fruit and chocolate anymore.. I see it all the same, I see it all as food, I dont understand that one is more fattening than the other.. U have got to see the size of my legs.. I am disgusting.. I dont even want to go to the gym cause i dont want to feel the fat moving inside me..

This has got to stop NOW.. if i dont stop then I will just keep gaining and all my hard work will be ruined.. I will weigh what I weighed when i was fat (62 kilos) or even more.. I will die first..

I hate feeling fat, I hate living like this.. Nothing is worth it.. I think about being skinny again all the fucking time.. even when im binging.. Ive put my modeling on hold cause I dont feel pretty.. Ive stopped going out or seeing my friends cause I dont want them to see im healthy... The truth is I am not healthy! I am fucking sick! I eat like a pig!.. I cant control myself!.. I eat everything around me! and i cant stop until my body hurts and im crying on the floor with chocolate in my face and crumbs all over my clothes!.. Then I go to the toilet and vomit until blood comes out and more! and then I eat more and I purge again!.. PLEASE GOD HELP ME!..

Do u guys remember my posts? I was perfect, I had control! Please god help me!..
Bulimia is dirty and sick and nasty..Anorexia is beautiful, clean, and pure..

I want my old self back and im gonna get it back I dont care how.. The problem is ive become too weak! I give in to every craving!.. I dont even count calories anymore!.. I dont even burn 500 calories at the gym anymore!.. I dont know what happened to me but Im stronger than this.. I ashamed of posting this cause I disgust myself and Im scared of letting u down, but I did..

-I start fasting tomorrow, fasting like I used to.. water, diet coke, coffee, cigarettes, gum, tea.
-I will burn 500 calories at the gym everyday no excuses.
-I will buy diet pills.
-I will keep fasting until I weigh 49 kilograms again.
-When I star eating again, the most I can eat is 500 calories.


This was just a crisis I went through but its over now..
My whole life sucks, u guys dont even want me to tell u about it.. The only thing I have is my body and I need it to be perfect.. I need this, im going crazy i cant handle being fat anymore.. ugghhhh I hate having boobs and ass.. I hate people telling me I look good!.. I wanna fucking die this is killing me, ive never felt so fat in my whole life before.. I swear this is over..

I will not fail! This im my promise to u, to me, and to god.. If I lose this war, I will leave this blog forever, cause i will not deserve to write on it anymore.. If I fail this mission, I will not deserve to be a part of this world anymore.. I cant let that happen, this is all I have..
I need u guys to help me and support me, i need ur comments, dont forget about me.. I need u to be here for me just like I have always been there for u, helping u stay strong.. I need u now more than ever..


Thursday, January 21, 2010

The fat is suffocating me, it wont let me breathe...

Hello my lovelies!

Im sorry I havent posted but I havent been able to.. Ive had a shitload of homework every day in uni, tests, gym, social life, cold, etc etc.. Its too much!

I fasted last week until saturday morning when i weighed 50.0 kilograms.. Then there was a family lunch and at first I only ate veggies, then I ate fish, then I ate rice, then cake, then candy, then chocolate, then peanut butter, then more of everything, etc etc etc DISASTER.. Sunday I did the exact same thing..

Its starting to be the way I function.. I succesfully fast monday through friday, and then ana decides to go away for the weekends and mia moves in, and then she leaves again on sunday night leaving a complete total mess of me.. I try to understand why this happens but there is just no logical explanation for it and its killing me.. Im currently fasting again since monday and I weigh 51.7 (total pig) can u see the disaster that the weekend binge caused me?..aaaagagggghhh.

Ive been super sick since monday and i still went to the gym yesterday and today.. I need to lose this weight NOOOW!!!!!.. I hate thatmy legs dont look like sticks anymore and that my arms are looking healthy.. i fucking hate this..

Im also like the weakest person that has ever stepped on this disgusting planet.. I remember the days when I never ever ever drank calories, I remember the days when I was always empty and pure, I remember the days when I didnt step off the eliptical until I had burned 500 calories minimum.. the best days of my life.. Now i drink plenty calories a day from capuccinos and frapuccinos, I step off the elliptical without burning 500 calories, I allow myself soup and sometimes yogurt... WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!



Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I hid ana somewhere and now i cant find her..

Theres not much to say.. I cant find ana.. Ive been fasting for a day, then binging the next day, then fasting th next day, etc etc today i fasted.. I used to burn 500 calories every day at the gym no matter what and now I just burn 250.. I weigh 51 and I dont even care when it used to be a nightmare..

Im hoping this is just a faze im going through and that it will go away and I will be myself again..

I dont feel like writing much, i just wanted to keep u posted..

Maybe tomorrow ill feel better and thinner...

Im gonna go hide under the covers now.. good night

Monday, January 11, 2010

This is my world and i can destroy it anyway i want to..


Ok so I fasted for 6 days and then yesterday (sunday) i was forced to eat at my grandmother's house.. Then I went to the movies with my sister and mother and they bought popcorn and I had a lot.. then after that I had this crazy urge for a sundae, i was going crazy i couldnt control it, so i got it.. ugghh i wont even tell u everything i ate, its fucking disgusting.. I threw up like 40 times, it was 2 in the morning and i was still throwing up.. my throat burns, my stomach is killing me.. i also took 3 laxatives, the pain is huge!..

Today Im fasting again, I didnt weigh myself but I burnt 500 calories at the gym.. Ill weigh myself tomorrow.. Ill be fasting until im forced to eat again.. I dream of the day I can eat something and not eat anything else.. I dream of the day when I can control myself and dont have to binge just cuz i had a salad.. its so weird how food triggers me to want more and more and more... i hate food, its the devil..

Today I started university.. its amazing, i love it.. Im the youngest one there but its so cool! I just hope people dont notice that I never eat with them and that I only have calorie-less drinks.. Everybody orders fattening drinks and pastries at starbucks and i always order a decaf with no milk and one splenda.. I dont wanna be the "oh look at the poor anorexic haha" girl at uni.. I wanna be the girl that every other girl wants to be like and every guy wants to be with.. and i dont want anybody to know my secret..

Its so fucking cold here in mexico right now.. my body cant take it.. its never been so cold here in 124 years.. im currently wearing leggings under my sweatpants, turtle neck, sweater, coat, ugg boots, gloves, scarf, and im freezing to death.. I cant feel my body, my bones ache.. I really wanna pee and im holding it in cuz im scared to move cuz the cold will kill me.. im really not exagerating.. I hate it cuz everyone around me is drinking hot chocolate or capuccinos and im sick of tea and coffee.. ill be strong..


Friday, January 8, 2010

The loudest cry for help is always silent...

Hello people..

This is day 5 of my fast..

I didnt go to the gym today, so i dont know how much i weigh..

My mother got back from a 45 day trip today so i had to have lunch with her and my sister.. I only had soup and light frapuccino..

My dad's family is having dinner right now at the kitchen and they are calling me.. I told my dad im gonna sleep over at my moms today so I have to go...

My mom and my sister are serious binge eaters.. I really dont wanna spend the night cuz they will eat next to me all the time, and im not feeling so strong right now..

I always read ur blogs, and i think some of us have some things in common that we dont realize.. I dont know if it was the holidays but our willpower is really low lately.. most of us have been setting goals for this year and have already failed them.. for some time the only thing that made me anorexic was the fact that i wrote here, cause i would eat... so i just want to remind all of u that writing here will not make us skinny.. the only thing that will malke us skinny is guts and willpower and strength.. lets not fool ourselves..

ugghhh my dad just called me and asked if i was gonna have dinner.. i think he is being suspicious because i havent eaten anything infront of him this week, and im always making up excuses..

i feel fat right now i dont know why..

i need to go or he will make me eat..


Thursday, January 7, 2010

Live to lie about it

Hey hey!

Day 4 of my fast complete!
I had a bit of problems but i dealt with them!..
I spent most of the day at my university so i just had coffee, tea, water, cigarettes, and soda.

Then I went to the gym and burnt 500 calories and did some weights. Then I got home and I have really bad luck so it doesnt amaze me that my step uncle from new york decided to visit and my stepmom made a big dinner for all of us.. I started crying in my room trying to figure out a way to avoid it! I was going crazy but there was no possible way.. Earlier in the day I went to krispy kreme with my best friend and she had a donut and i had a coffee, when i got home i still had the coffe cup from krispy kreme.. so i decided to act really sad and depressed and my dad asked me what was wrong so i told him that i was feeling like shit cause i ate a krispy kreme donut with my friend and that i felt really guilty and that i couldnt eat anything else, that i was really suffering... he believed me and let me have chicken broth for dinner..

I feel sooooo proud of myself!!! I was sitting at the table with my whole family infront of delicious food, watching them eat, craving it like crazy, and i controled myself!!!!! I ate nothing!

I weighed myself today and I weigh 50.5 kilograms.. im so mad cuz I only lost 200 grams since yesterday.. why am i losing so slowly?

Can u guys recommend me the best ana books u know.. i want a really thinspirational one.. please tell me which ones to buy...

I wish i could live without food forever.. only thought of having to eat again someday is haunting me and torturing me.. i cant sleep at night so scared that someone will make me eat any day now.. i guess i will never be happy and at peace..
Thank u so much for telling me im beautiful.. i wish i could see it.. xoxo

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Hey lovelies!..

Day 3 of my fast, completed..

I had some problems though.. i was forced to eat, but i just had some soup, only like 5 tablespoons and then went to the bathroom and threw it up.. I got home and my dad said I had to have dinner, so I grabbed a yoghurt and brought it here with me.. its right beside me and its haunting me.. i want it sooooo bad.. but hopefully writing here will make me throw it away..

I only burnt 250 calories at the gym today. I dont know why im so fucking lazy.. I dont know where my willpower went.. I used to kill myself at the gym, I went 2 times a day.. now i only go half..

I weighed myself and i weigh 50.7!.. which means i lost another kilogram! im so happy! (its still not enough though).. I got soo mad today cause my dad told me that my jeans look better on me now u can actually see i have an ass.. aghhh i hated his fucking comment! i hate him, he doesnt realize he hurts me when he says those things..

I decided im gonna fast until i weigh 48 kilograms, and then im gonna do an experiment with a friend.. we are gonna eat celery 3 times a day.. only celery.. we wanna boost our metabolism so we dont gain when we start eating other things.. my metabolism is so fucked up that i gain weight from eating a piece of watermelon.. i fucking hate my body..

I really want u guys to stay strong.. i want u to realize how lucky u are when u eat 500 calories and lose weight.. if i eat 20 i gain.. i envy u so much..

THE PICTURE ABOVE IS ME, 6 days ago.. please comment.. tell me how fat i am.. i hate myself..

Which is the best ana book u gusy recommend me? i want a really thinspirational one that will bring my willpower back..

love u guys

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Im torn between what i was and what i could be...

Hello people!..

day 2 of fasting went really good!.. it was really easy.. im not hungry at all, i am really thirsty though, ive been drinking a huuuge amount of water and tea..

I went to the gym today but i only burnt 350 calories.. its not enough, im mad at myself for being so weak..

I weighed myself.. i currently weigh 52.1, but im fasting so i know ill lose it, im not worried..

Life is so much better when ur empty, i love it.. lately ive been wearing only sweat pants.. i feel to fat to wear anything else.. i want my leggings to be lose again.. oh i cant wait to be under 50 kilos again.. my goal this fast is to get to 48.. the only problem is how to trick my nutritionist.. im gonna have to buy more weights (the kind u strap to ur legs), and if i dont get my period next month im gonna lie and tell her i did.. its a lot easier to fast right now cause my family has been watching me eat and they think im healthier.. i am healthier cuz i got my period and i put on some weight but im obviously losing it again..

I dont know why im not happy like this.. everyone keeps telling me how hot i am and how beautiful i look but i cant see it.. i dont feel it.. this is not beauty, this is normality.. beauty is bones and frailness and skinny skinny legs and arms.. not this..

i love u guys, stay strong.

Monday, January 4, 2010

When theres nothing left to burn, u have to set urself on fire..

Hello beauties!

So I went to acapulco and most days went fine (food wise).. I only ate veggies and fruit until saturday.. then i ate some carbs and yesterday i had a full on disgusting binge..

I went to the gym today and burnt 500 calories but i was scared to weigh myself so ill do it tomorrow..

oh and i forgot to tell u.. I FUCKING GOT MY PERIOD!!! after 4 months of not getting it, i got it on thursday.. u guys have no idea how much i want to kill myself right now.. i dont deserve to live.. this means im not underweight anymore and its not acceptable.. someone kill me..

Im fasting again.. i really need to be 48 kilograms, i need it so much i could kill someone..

Everyone keeps telling me how hot i am and how an amazing body i have, and that i should be a swimsuit model, etc etc.. AND I FUCKING HATE THEM..

i miss the times when people told me i looked sick, and that i looked scary, and that my bones showed too much, and that i should eat something, etc etc...

I dont know how ill do it but ill get to that point again.. i need it..

what really sucks about my body is that the only way i lose any weight is when i fast.. even if i have one cube of watermelon i gain weight.. i wanna fucking kill myself, i dont understand why that happens..

u have no idea how much i envy people that are on diets.. at least they can eat... i would give anything to be able to eat even 100 calories without gaining.. why is my body so fucked up and how to i fucking fix it.. help..

Im so depressed lately..

I dont have any new years resolutions.. I only have one goal and it is to not gain one gram more.. from this year on i only lose weight.. i never gain.. oh and i also dont want to get my period eveeer in this year.. not once.

love u girls.. miss u