Wednesday, May 12, 2010

like all she wanted was to go out and scream.. on mute.

Im doing better than the past weeks, but still not good enough.. i still cant fast like i used to.. i dont know why im so weak, i dont know what happened to me.. i used to be so strong..
my mind is so weird.. i succesfully fast all day, and then i go to the kitchen in the middle of the night, grab a spoon, and eat ketchup, mustard, sometimes dressings, sometimes jelly, soups, etc and i eat it cold from the refrigerator.. its so disgusting and weird.. and then i have to go vomit it all out.. i dont get why i cant just fast like i always did, if i know im fat and i cant stand myself, and its just weird that i even eat those things..
My body is so fucked up its depressing.. I got o the gym everyday, i do weights and burn more than 500 calories.. I barely eat anything and i gain weight.. The only way my body loses weight is if i water fast.. If i eat anything, then i gain weight.. u have no idea how much i envy people who diet or count calories.. at least they can eat.. i cant eat anything.. its not like i can fast forever..what will i do? thats why i gained weight again in the first place, cuz i couldt live fasting..
i cant deal with this life anymore, everything is so fucked up.. EVERYTHING.. there is not one good thing..
My parents have decided to "care" about my eating disorder.. my dad has started to ask me again what i eat and my mom asks my sister to spy on me, etc.. and then when they see i dont eat anything they start yelling at me like crazy and i hate them..
my dad is a doctor and thinks he know everything but he knows nothing about this illness.. he thinks i do it on purpose, he thinks i dont eat just to mess with him and make him mad, he thinks i just do it to look hot, he thinks its something i can decide.. he comes and yells and tells me that he is sick and tired of telling my to eat and that i dont need therapy or doctors, that anorexia gets cured by eating, and that if i dont eat he will kick me out and send me to san diego with my mom.. how will i ever get better if no one helps me?
i started thinking the other day and i dont want help cuz i dont want to gain weight cuz im scared of gaining weight.. but then again that is part of the illness.. maybe if i wasnt sick i would realize that im not fat and i could eat like a normal person, and i could look in the mirror and be happy, and these thoughts wouldnt drive me crazy, and i could have breakfast without wanting to die, and i wouldnt have to kill myself at the gym everyday.. but i will never get help unless someone forces me to, cuz i dont wanna get help cuz im scared they will make me fat.. but i dont think i can live like this forever either.. how long can someone fast? then im gonna start binging to oblivion and become obese.. then fast again?.. I NEED HELP.. but my parents took me out of therapy cuz they think im just playing and being rebelious.. they think this is a game?.. its killing me.. there isnt one minute of my life when im not thinking about food, or calories, or weight, or my thighs, or flavors, or my stomach, or excersize, or my big ass, or being empty, etc etc ... i wish i could just like myself just for one minute.. i wish there would be one day that i could eat anything solid and not feel guilty and not gain weight from it.. I WISH..

Monday, May 10, 2010

nothing hurts more than waiting since i dont know what im waiting for anymore...

I woke up today.. feeling huge, looking huge, totally huge.. DISGUSTING.
I went to the gym and burnt 610 calories..
I fasted through the day.. thank god!
I did have some problems with my family and had to fight my way through the day to avoid eating but i made it.. but im still fat.. ugghhh i hate myself..
Tomorrow is mother's day in mexico and my mom will probably want to go eat somewhere and there is no way in hell im eating.. i dont know how to avoid it.. idk what to do.. i cant eat i need to be perfect for friday.. ill think of something..
Im so sad lately.. im heartbroken, and in pain, and it hurts, and i miss him... and im pathetic, facebook stalking him all day and holding my blackberry all day even though i know he wont call.. and going to the places he goes wishing ill bump into him and i dont.. im so pathetic.. i hate this, this so unlike me.. i need to stop.. but my heart still thinks hes the one for me and ive always been a fighter.. its so hard giving up on something when ur never been the kind that gives up on anything.. i dont know how to give up on him.. someone please teach me or force me..
and im also fat.. and my dad keeps closing every dor for me and rejecting me... he keeps hurting me, and judging me.. he keeps hating me.. he keeps attacking me.. and i have nothing.. my life sucks again.. this is so so so fucking unfair.. its like showing a blind person the world and then taking his sight away again... its like giving candy to a kid and then taking it away before he even takes a bite.. i never thought there was any possible way i could ever be happy, i thought i was condemned to be miserable and i was ok with it, i build my world around sadness, lonelyness, emptyness, rejection, etc.. and then suddenly everything changes and things appear, things and people and situations that give me happiness and make me happy and im ok and i smile and i can breathe and for the first time i can feel and liberate myself from fear of being hurt and pain and hatred and i trust.. and then suddenly it all goes away again.. just like that, it al goes away and im here left with nothing.. NOTHING.. everythings gone.. and know im not okay with living in my sad dark hole again cuz i know there is this wonderful world out there that im missing.. its not fair.. i was better off not ever knowing it existed.. i was better off not ever knowing he existed.. i was better off not ever knowing that i really am talented and that i should fight for my dream, cuz now if i dont fight for it i would be stupid and wasting my life and talent... i was better off before, comfortable in my lonely sad dark hole.. away from everything.. how did he even find me? i hate him.. and im fat.

Sunday, May 9, 2010


This is what happens when u fast and fast and fast and fast... then u eat once and there is no fucking way u can stop... then u binge, and binge, and binge, and binge.. until u fast again, and again, and again, .. until u binge again... and u know the cycle...
welll ive been binging.. and i need to fucking stop.. i need to.. i am faat!!!! and i feel dirty! and these creepy things i do like eating alone in the middle of the night hiding from everybody are freaking me out... i cant keep doing this, i need to stop.. and im gaining weight by the minute... i feel huge.. i need to stop.. i need to understand again that i dont want food, i hate food, it makes me fat... i wanna be thin and perfect and sick and pale and empty.. food is my worst enemy.. i need to understand this again.. its like my mind is attacking me.. my body, my impulses i cant control!!!!.. THIS ENDS NOW.. IM FUCKING SERIOUS.. ITS FUCKING OVER... I JUST FINISHED MY LSAST BINGE.. IM ACTUALLY SITTING IN THE KITCHEN.. ITS THE LAST TIME I COME IN HERE BY MY OWN WILL.. THIS IS FUCKING OVER.. IM BACK TO MY FASTING DAYS, TO MY REAL FASTING DAYS AND IM BACK FOR GOOD..

I have a huge modeling job on friday.. which means i have 5 days to get back to at least 50 kilograms.. i dont know how much I weigh but im guessing 52.5 .. ugghhhhh i wanna die... its amazing how fucked up my body is.. how can someone gain 3 kilos in 3 days? and i justed binged today, yesterday i ate like 600 cal... my metabolism is so fucked up that i gain weight with even 100 calories..

Starting tomorrow i will eat ZERO calories and drink ZERO calories.. I dont give a shit if i suffer, that was always what i enjoyed the most, the hunger, the suffering, the pain.. im so detached from my old self, from my nature... food poisons my mind... I used to looove the hunger pains.... oh i miss the feeling of emptyness so much, i want it back.. im gonna punish myself this week for all my stupidness.. im worried cuz its mothers day monday and there will probably be a family lunch abd i dont give a shit if my mom hates me i will not eat a thing.. and thursday is my brothers birthday.. i will totally act sick.. I need to be super thin for that modeling job on friday or they will fire me.. im so fucking nervous.. I will have to kill myself at the gym and have nothing but water and tea, maybe some coffee.. I wont even have diet coke..
I think about all the time if lost.. all the weeks i could have really fasted and i havent.. nobody forces me to eat, only on weekends.. i could be weighing like 90 pounds right now but no, i have to go and fuck it up... people are starting to tell me i dont look sick anymore, ughhh i hate it.. they tell me im starting to look normal, not scary skinny.. FUCK THEM.. ILL SHOW THEM SCARY.. NORMAL IS MY NIGHTMARE, I WANNA BE ANYTHING BUT NORMAL..

I am so fucking mad at myself, i am a fucking pig, i hate myself uggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Food will ruin me!!!!!!! I better weigh at least 50 by friday or i will kill myself.. literally.. that modeling shoot is super important... omg i will die if they see me fat.. omg im freaking out, what have i been doing? just a week ago i was weight 48.9 kilograms... and now im back to like 53.. i wanna kill myself.. i dont wanna wake up tomorrow and feel my thighs and my arms and my huge body, i dont even wanna take a shower or get dressed, i dont wanna feel myself.. i disgust myself.. i feel nauseous.. I AM A COW..
tomorrow will be only water and hot tea... ill stay at home all day if i have to, sleeping.. i wont eat a thing.. and i will burn 500 calories at the gym... This is fucking over im tired of this shit.. i am not a bulimic, i have anorexia i do not binge like a pig.. i cant do this to my beautiful clean body.. ughh im disgusting...
im sorry girls i wont let u down again.. EXTREME FASTING AND EXCERSIZING STARTS NOW...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

There's a lot of nothing around here...

I said i missed sadness? I said i missed my dark hole? oh stupid stupid girl.. pathetic idiot..
i hate this. i was so happy, i felt butterflies, i felt free, i felt i could breathe for the first time ever.. im dead again.. i have nothing to live for, no one beside me, my life is so lonely, so empty, so full of nothingness, so meaningless.. i cant live like this i feel like im drowning..
how can ur life change in such a drastic way so fast, so unexpectedly?.. my life just died from one second to the next.. i was so alive, so happy, i was living my dreams, smiling, laughing, feeling, loving,.. and then suddelny i blinked and then.. NOTHING.. IT WAS ALL GONE... THERE IS NOTHING LEFT..

I binged everyday last week.. every fucking say.. can someone please explain what the fuck was going through my head??.. i was supposed to fast.. no one made me eat.. i ate by myself and i ate the whole kitchen.. im fat.. i dont even wanna know how much i weigh.. my life fucking sucks..
i hate him, i miss him.. why did i have to meet him? he fucking came and ruined me.. i hate him.. and i love him and i want him and i need him so much.. but he is not coming back.. i know he wont.. but i keep holding on to him, i cant let go, i dont want to.. cuz i cant imagine a world without him, cuz i discovered his world and i dont want to go back to my old world.. but he wont come back.. and im fat..
i fasted today and went to the gym.. the plan is to do that tomorrow too.. im sorry.