Monday, August 31, 2009
Im sorry I havent posted anything the last 4 days. I really didnt know what to write and I was kinda waiting for u guys to comment on my last post..
So summing up the past days highlights:
1.Friday I weighed myself and I had gained a kilo. I cried all day and locked myself in my room and died.. I promised myself that I would weigh less than 54 by wednesday...
2.Saturday I ate like 300 calories and went clubbing and danced it all off and more!
3.Sunday I ate like 400 calories and purged some..
4. Today I had like 350 calories and purged what I could, but then for dinner there was brie cheese with apricot jelly (hot from the oven) and some wine.. I cant resist to that, I love that dish and I love wine so I had some.. But then, thank god for mia, I ran to the bathroom and purged until nothing more came out.
What is happening to me is very strange and I dont accept it..
I never thought I would ever be Mia. I hate puking, its the worst feeling in the world, i completely despise it, and it disgusts me! I dont understand how I can do this, what happened to me? who am I? Does this make me stronger or weaker? I dont even know who I am anymore..
Today I read my Ana notebook from the start and I noticed a lot of changes and it scares me..
I started writing in it on May 26th 2009. On that date I weighed 63 kilos and my measurements were: chest-94, waist- 70, hips-100. (obese! i know). I ate 1000 cal and thought it was a small amount. I did lose weight because it was less than what I used to eat but then my body got used to it so I lowerd the amount to 900. Then I went to 800, 700, 600, 500, and now 400 is too much!.. How can it be that I eat less than 500 cal and I dont lose weight?? Im going crazy..
What scares me of this is that nothing will ever be enough. Every calorie counts!!
I guess this is the reason why Im purging.. because even though I only eat 400 calories or less I still feel its too much and I get paranoid and I dont want to gain so I have to take it out of my body!.. Im scared, this is not me.. who am I?..
And just to be clear, I would totally accept this new me if there were any results and I would be acually losing weight... but I dont feel like I am. I hate this, what do I have to do to be thin?, I want my bones to show, what do I have to do to get there? please someone tell me!!!
Today, August 31 2009, I weigh 54 kilos and my measurements are: chest-34 waist-25 hips 35.
My goal is to weigh 50 kilos. I need to lose these stubborn 4 kilos urgently and keep them off.. please help me, my body seems to be stuck.. i will only eat veggies and fruit..
Please comment.. everything helps!
peace. love. skinny
Thursday, August 27, 2009
I have a problem! (well i have many but this one needs to be fixed noow!)
My willpower and my control are gone! I have no idea what happened but I need them back!
Its like all day I think about getting thinner, its all I think about 24/7 but I still eat.. and a lot!!!
Its so weird cause I think about being skinny while I'm eating and I dont stop! as if eating will make me thinner hahaha!
I dont know what is happening to me, but I have cravings all day and I raid the kitchen and I always find something delicious to eat and I binge! And then I start feeling bad but I keep eating!..
What the hell is wrong with me?!
So today I purged twice! ( second time in my life) and I took laxatives and diet pills and I'm praying I dont gain! I hate purging!
This week was awful! I sucked this week...
I cant let myself be so weak if I ever want to be skinny..
I feel like I'm so close and I cant let go.. not now, not ever!.. 3 kilos and I'm there!
Tomorrow I have my weekly check up with my nutritionist... The only reason I go is cause my dad makes me and to weigh myself!.. I dont think I gained but I dont think I lost weight either and that fucking sucks!
Please guys Im begging u! remind me why I want to be skinny, remind me why I need control, help me get it back!.. I desperately need advice and comments!.. Make me hate food, make me despise it and fear it!.. please, im on my knees!
I know u love quotes so im gonna post some-
-We three: my echo, my shadow, and me.
-All I can do is be me; whoever that is...
-Love ur enemies just incase ur friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards...
-Behind every beautiful thing there is some kind of pain- Bob Dylan
-First of all u dont know me, second of all u dont know me.
-If love is tragedy then give me tragedy, cause I wouldnt give it back 4 the world.
-All the mistakes in the world couldnt measure up to the day I thought I could trust u.
-My teenage dream tonight, Im gonna make it happen this time..
-I hurt myself, so I can feel alive..
-Why do people tell u to believe in what u want to but then tell u not to believe in the one true thing you do believe in?
-You wake to suffer through the day...
-Just live and breathe and try not to die again..
-A woman wears her tears like jewelry.
HELP ME PLEASE!!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Yesterday I did not write a post cause I wasnt doing well and i dont want u guys to think im weak.
Life is being really hard on me lately and even though im trying to be strong, Im in a lot of pain.. Today was the worst day I have had in months!.. I dont really want to think about it, i want to forget it.. I wish I could just sleep and never wake up..
I cant lie to u guys and act like nothing is wrong. U r the only people I can be honest too, the only ones who know the real me and dont judge me.
I know it may sound stupid but I think this blog is whats helping me the most right now..
I can come here and pour my heart out, get everything off my chest and somehow I feel better..
People that I dont even know read this and support me!.. U guys have no idea how ur comments help me through this.. I feel there are people out there that understand me and know what I am going through.. thanx u so much for being here 4 me!..
Today I ate like 600 calories, maybe less I dont know..
Its not much but I still feel its a lot!.. I woke up feeling fat today and for the first time ever I shoved the toothbrush in my mouth until I puked and my throat hurts like crazy now and It wasnt even worth it cause not a lot came out..
This week everybody keeps telling me how skinny I am. The weird thing is I dont see it in the mirror.. My clothes are huge on me but when I look in the mirror I just see this ordinary person and ordinary is not enough for me..
Im scared, I never believed what people said about seeing a disorted image of urself!.. Im scared I wont know when to stop and that I will always feel fat when Im not..
I wont know my weight till thursday at the doctor.. I hope I lost weight, at least a pound! If not i will freak, my life is too fucked up already and i need something to make me feel better..
Here r some quotes:
-Half of life is fucking up. The other half is dealing with it.
-The idea is to die young as late as possible...
-I love walking in the rain cause no one knows im crying..
-Never let ur head down, ur crown might fall.
-Look behind the mascara, the shiny lipstick. Look a little deeper and maybe u will see that this girl u are looking at isnt really me.
-Dear 3 am, we have got to stop meeting like this. I much rather sleep with u. Love, me.
-My mother told me not to talk to strangers. I dont talk to myself anymore...
-People uve been before that u dont want around anymore..
-How can u understand me when i cant understand myself?
-Im okay.. isnt that what im supposed to say?
-There is a girl in my mirror crying tonight and there is nothing i can tell her to make her feel alright..
-You do it to urself and thats why it really hurts..
-Take it from someone whos fallen... Its a long way down.
-Just hit play and watch my life fall apart.
-Its hard to answer the question "whats wrong" when nothing is right..
-Sometimes u need to run away just to see who will follow u.
-I dont know if im getting better or just used to the pain.
-I like having lo self esteem, it makes me feel special...
I hope u like them.
Stay strong, sam.
Monday, August 24, 2009
I hate birthday parties. They are all about food.
Today I was kinda depressed and the party didnt help at all..
I binged like crazy!.. I even ate cake!!.. And as u can see, food didnt make me feel any better, it just made me feel worse about myself and more depressed..(food is not the answer).
I took some laxatives and I'm praying I dont gain weight!..I'm certainly not losing any..
Im really sad today, I dont even know why.. I just hate where Im at.. How can someone fuck up their life at 17?.. Imagine when im 30.. Im nothing, Im no one, Ive never acomplished anything, never done anything right, I cant even be fucking skinny.. I hate myself..
I spent 3 hours looking 4 the perfect quote that can describe what im feeling at the moment.. I found many I loved and everybody loves quotes so Ill post some here just to express what Im feeling...
-Perhaps I saw what I wanted in him, I saw more than he was..
-U said u didnt want to see me hurt, so did u close ur eyes when I cried?
-I dont miss him, I miss who I thought he was...
-Just because she comes off strong doesnt mean she didnt fall asleep crying, and even though she acts like everything is fine, maybe, just maybe, she is really good at lying...
-Sometimes its better to be alone. No one can hurt u that way...
-Not all scars show, not all wounds heal. Sometimes u can see what the pains someone feels...
-You have the power to make me regret my own existence.. My only regret is giving u that power.
-Everytime I see myself there is always something wrong with me..
-I hurt myself so I can feel alive..
-Hate can be a positive emotion when it forces u to better urself...
-What is the point in ever trying to be happy when the very pursuit of happiness is what makes u miserable...
-Ive never felt Ive been valued by anyone. I'm just a waste of space that everyone ignores, like a ghost without a home.
-While some can run from the pain, other live through it...
-Its funny how u can see someone everyday and never really see them at all.
-I close my eyes, wish i was fine... even if im not this time.
-What if ur in hell and ur mad at someone, where do u tell them to go?
-They say that what does not kill u only makes u stronger, well maybe some of us are sick and tired of being so damn strong.
-Darkness never really goes away, once uve seen it...
-Sometimes it hurts more to smile infront of everyone than to cry all alone.
-She was screaming so loud she lost her voice for days and no one even noticed.
-Im lost and I want so badly to be found, but no one is looking 4 me..
-I wish that I could disappear, unzip my skin and leave it here, so I could be no one again..
-I hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time.
-It was raining when u left me, now im drowning in the flood.
hope u like them, I have lots more..
love u, sam
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Today I had an amazing time!..
I spent the day with my friend, the one I told u about that just recovered from a near death anorexia experience..
We also went to a party and after that we went clubbing!.. Its been so long since I had so much fun on a saturday.. I just got home an hour ago.. (5:30 am)
I always go out clubbing on thursdays and saturdays with my ex-boyfriend (since today) but I guess he was so controling and jealous that every night always ended in a fight..
Today I ended my 3 year relationship with him and I actually feel good about it!.. Its like for the first time in so long I belong to myself!, I am my own person, and I am free to make my own decisions and do what I want!.. It feels great!
So my friend and I had an amazing girls night out!.
My friend has never lived like a regular teenager... Her ED ate her life up..
She is almost 18 and has never had a boyfriend cause she has spent her life in clinics and hospitals..
She is finally "recovered" and I am so excited to help her take over her life and enjoy it!.. She was so happy today cause guys liked her a lot, and danced with her. and were attracted to her even with here short hair!.. U have no idea how great this makes me feel!, to actually see her happy and smiling!..
I also wanted to talk to u guys cause I'm kinda scared..
I dont think she should be around me so soon.. I'm scared my conducts will draw her back into her problems.. She already noticed I dont eat and that I'm skinnier.. I am a really bad influence on her right now.. I hate myself, but I love ana and I dont wanna let go..
I noticed she feels insecure around me cause she was always thinner than me and now we are the same weight and stuff... I dont want to stop seeing her cause I love her and I missed her so much!.. But I would die if she would get sick again because of me!.. she almost died, she had hours to live!..
Im such a bad person..
On the bright side, I think I ate like 350 cals max today.. I want to wake up lighter!.. I also took some laxatives, I dont know why I did that.. Nothing is ever enough..
I love u guys,
Friday, August 21, 2009
I'm really really happy today cause I lost 4 pounds!..
I can only weigh myself once a week in my nutritionist's office so i got really excited!..
Great way to start the weekend!..
At first I was really nervous of going because I thought I had gained but apparently I didnt! Its a really good feeling when that happens!.. but its weird cause i dont think I look any thinner...
On the other side, It is still not enough. I'm still not skinny, just a little less fat...
My nutritionist is really worried and wants to talk to my dad..
She made me sign a contract that says I have to eat at least 1200 calories including 3 carbs and 2 proteins. She said that if I lost more weight she would stop seeing me... I'm obviously not doing it, I mean 1200 calories! I cant remember the last time I ate that amount of food.. why would I eat so much when I'm not hungry.
But this is good cause now my dad will be watching me and I will only eat when he makes me!.. If he doesnt make me, then I wont eat.. It may sound stupid but it is a really good tactic for not eating!.. this will start tomorrow!.. 8 more lbs to go!
Does anybody know any really good thinspo sites?.. I really need some!..
I also want to thank u guys 4 ur comments. They mean a lot to me and the support is actually helping me feel stronger!.. I wish I could meet the people that are helping me so much!..
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Today might have been one of the hardest days ive been through lately.
Today I saw my best friend for the first time in a year.
The last time I saw her she was dying of anorexia in a hospital bed.
She had no hair, she couldnt walk, talk, move, or do anything alone.
She wore diapers and was connected to 100 machines.
You guys don't even want me to tell u what she looked like..
The past year she lived in an ED clinic, separated from the world.
She had no contact with anyone..
Yesterday I recieved a call, and it was her. She said she was coming to Mexico City to see me..
Today when I saw her I started crying!.. she looked so beautiful, even without hair..
I donr know how tall she is, maybe 5'5 and she currently weighs 53 kilos.. She used to weigh 27 kilos!..
She knows I have problems with my image and that I am also anorexic. We cried for hours, she begged me to stop, she said she went through hell, that she wanted to die..
She told me she would kill herself if she saw me go through what she went.. that she cant relive it..
I know i'm supposed to be shocked and I should learn from the experience, but she is the person I admire the most in this world!.. She actually made it!.. The sad part is she didnt know when to stop.. I will not stop being ana, it is not a disease, its a way of life, it is who I am inside, I cant deny it.. Nothing she says will make me eat more.. But I will learn from her experience and I promise I will know when to stop!.. I'm doing this for her.. I will not make her go through it again with me.. 110 is my limit... If I pass 110 I am begging u guys to make me stop!.. please!
It is amazing how I know exactly that I can be my worst enemy, that I can kill myself.. AND I STILL WANT IT! Ana lives inside me, Inside all of us..
I love u guys, i need u..
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Here's the thing..
Lately I have been eating 650 calories max and even though I know it is not much, I still feel like a pig. I always feel I eat too much if its more than 400 calories, I have no idea why...
People tell me that if im only eating 650 cal I should be losing weight pretty fast but I don't feel im losing!.. Maybe its just my head messing with me cause I feel I eat too much..
I don't know how much I weigh cause my dad took away my scale.. Friday I will be going to the doctor and I will know my weight. Im scared.
Before summer started I weighed 55 kilos (122 lbs), and now that I got back home I feel like I'm the same weight and that really really sucks cause I need to lose 7 pounds urgently just to get to my first goal weight and feel like I can actually accomplish something in my life.
A little about me-
I have been in this on and off relationship with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. I think I love him cause I cause I want him in my life and I'm not used to him not being in it; but I dont feel what I felt for him once.. I dont feel anything lately..
He is the hottest guy in town (seriously) every fucking girl I know wants him, and even though I think we should be apart for a while to see if I really love him, I cant do it cause I would die if he would be with any other girl but me.. I am the only serious girlfriend he's had and I feel like he is mine, I want to be the only one always.. but I dont feel like he completes me, I want more. Selfish much?
I dont really have any friends.. I have been pushing them away for the past few months.. All I care about is being skinny and they cant stand the new me, the obsessive and anorexic me..
I think they're just jealous that I got skinny and instead of supporting me all they did was criticize me and make me feel like shit..
My family hates me.. its like im the black sheep..
My dad is never home, my stepmom is a bitch, my mom is a slut and she has a serious addiction to anti-depressants.. My sister is the nicest girl in the world but she eats and eats because she is suffering because my family sucks and her sister (me) is 3 years older and a lot skinnier than her.. Im scared cause she found my diet pills and she is noticing my anorexic habits.. I dont want her to follow my footsteps..
I am so fucking alone.. I dont even know why my boyfriend loves me, I have no one but him and I dont get why he would want a girl like me when he could have any girl..
I feel like im in this hole and I cant get out and its raining and im drowning and people are throwing dirt on me and I hate my fucking life... I hate it..
Im sorry for this post.. I'm really depressed and I needed to get it out..
On the bright side I'm not binging..
love u guys, sorry 4 this, sam.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I don't know whats happening to me lately.
I dont feel anything.
Its like Im NUMB; but not physically.
I dont know how to explain it but its like I dont care about anything.
I have been shutting people out, my friends, my family; I have no interest in doing anything.
I havent been eating much but still more than I should, like 650 calories!.. and my problem is that I dont care.. Its weird cause all I want is to be skinny, I want my bones to show, I want people to notice me and care!..
I really really need ur support u guys, some inspiration!.. I dont know whats happening to me, im so depressed, im letting go!..
I will only eat 300 calories, that is my max!..
I have to do this, help me do this!.. im so close!
At least I hit the gym today, lost like 300 calories but its not enough cause I got home and ate some carrots and some cheese, and I dont know why I did it, I wasnt even hungry..
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I'm sorry I was not able to post something yesterday. It was my last day in San Diego 4 the summer and I had so many last minute things to do!..
Today I arrived home at Mexico City, and I think it will be much easier sticking to my strict diet plan here because I will be busy with school, pilates and, belly dance classes. It was hard not to eat in San Diego because there was nothing to do, and my grandparents, cousins, ants, uncles, etc were all over me all the time saying I didn't eat and forcing food on me. Here, the only one that forces me to eat is my dad, but he is a heart surgeon so he is never home. My step mom is also a huge pain in the ass but I dont even care what she thinks...
I have not weighed myself in a couple of days and I havent noticed any important changes in my body image either. Maybe its because I'm on my period or something... I hate getting my period because that means I am still not skinny enough. I dont even know why my family worries so much about me if my health is perfectly fine.
Is anyone a vegan?.. I'm thinking of becoming one.. If u have any info or tips u can give I would really appreciate it...
Friday, August 14, 2009
So yesterday wasnt a really good day.. I ate like 500 calories and at night I had some wine so like 600.. I hate myself for being so weak! I hate eating so much..
I had my modeling shoot in the morning and at the end the photographer said that I have a lot of potential but I should hit the gym!.. can u believe that?
I knew he would think I was fat! And the worst part is that I got so depressed I just starting eating like crazy.. thank god it was fruits and vegetables!..
I feel so weak!.. I need some support!.. something to put me back on track!
I wish I was a stronger person.. Today I will fast.
About Xenadirine RFA.. I still dont know if its working cause I didnt weigh myself today!.. I promise I will tell u all about it in a week or so.. I just started taking it 3 days ago..
I used to take Hydroxycut and it did help me lose weight the first few weeks but suddenly it just stopped working.. I guess I hit a plateu or something..
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Hey guys!.. So today was my first day on "Project Barbie" and I think I did pretty good!
In the morning the scale marked 117 lbs, which was weird cause last night it marked 122.
I guess my new Xenadrine pills are really working!
-2 plain coffees 5 cal each
-1 coffee with a little milk 15 cal
-1 can of corn 200 cal
-1 bag of baby carrots 25 cal
-1 tamarindo 15 cal
=275 calories! (perfect)
I also want to share something really cool with u guys!
Yesterday this guy came up to me at the mall and asked me if I was interested in modeling for his agency! I have done some modeling in Mexico City but never in the U.S (im currently in San Diego for the summer)..
Long story short, this guy called me today and I am having my very first photo shoot here tomorrow morning!!.. I am really exited about this but I am also nervous cause I'm going to have to take some photos in a Bikini and I don't feel model skinny yet! I hope he doesn't think I'm fat! (cause I am).
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
All I want is to be a model.
All I want is to be skinny and beautiful (someone's thinspo).
All I want is perfection.
Project Barbie is about focusing all my energy on fulfilling my dream!
-I will avoid food at all costs!
-I will only eat what is necessary for survival.
Every day my willpower, my courage, and my strength will be tested.
I will also be graded every morning on how I did the day before. My bathroom scale will be my judge.
-If I weigh more than the day before, I will have to fast.
-If I weigh the same as the day before, I can only eat 100 calories.
-If I weigh less than the day before, I can eat 350 calories.
-When I reach my first goal weight, I can eat 500 calories.
Starting weight= 122
First goal weight= 115
I would love for anybody to join me, we can support each other as we release our inner barbie!