Sunday, February 28, 2010

I was getting there and then... uggh i hate food!

hey girls!

Im sorry I didnt post all week! It was a punishment for my obese behavior the past month so I decided not to let myself write until I lost 2 kilos.. and I did.. I fasted monday through friday and whent down from 54 kilos to 52 kilos.. but then i ate saturday normally and today i binged so i just really hope i dont gain from this and tomorrow ill start fasting again.. i have this new rule that i can only write here if i dont eat.. so if i wanna write or look at ur blogs which i loooove to do.. ill have to not eat.

Im planning to lose 2 kilos every week until i get to my goal weight which is 48..

I figured out that its not about weight.. Its about beauty, weakness, frailness, emptyness, cleaness,.. I wanna look on the outside how i think i look on the inside.. i need to let myself out.. so im going to..

I would fast forever but I have a lunch party at my fathers ranch on saturday and i have to go.. and maybe there is a way that i couls go and avoid eating but im so weak that when im around food on weekends i jsut permit myself to eat.. so i will write here every day and maybe u guys can help me and motivate me so i can deal with saturday before it turns into a disaster.. if im able to not eat saturday then maybe i can fast for 2 weeks straight and get to 48 or 47 sooner!

love u guys!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

How do I get rid of myself? this girl is killing me..

Hello everyone..

I need my old self back.. Im working on finding her.. I dont know who has gotten inside me but she is destroying my beautiful thin body and covering it with fat.. I cant allow it..

Im sick of this horrible routine of fasting through the week and then binging like an insane pig on weekends and ruining all the hard work.. when I think of all the things i put into my mouth i get this huge urge to lock myself up in a clinic cause i cant control myself..

Its so weird how my mind changed 180 degrees.. first there was no way i would eat a piece of nothing.. now there is no way i can stop if i eat anything.. before i would cry if i had to eat, now i look forward to it.. wasnt i supposed to be anorexic?.. i have to start acting like one.. the funny thing is i still believe i have anorexia haha.. seriously?? Im beyond anorexia, I am a full on bulimic and i am fucking sick of it and disgusted by myself..

Im fasting again.. but i really need this fast to last more than 5 days and i need to not binge when i eat.. i need to do this, i have to do this.. im sick of getting fat, im sick of being weak, im sick of everything.. the worst part is i have already done it before, i know i can do it, i know how strong i can be.. so what the fuck happened to me!.. please samantha come back wherever u are..

oh and p.s.- life fucking sucks.. i need money and a place to live.. my dad doesnt want me here anymore.. got nowhere to go and im fat..

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Everytime someone asks me if im okay, its just a reminder that im not..

Hello people..

So I succesfully fasted through last week and then bigned like a cow through the weekend.. So all the hard work was for nothing cuz im a fat pig again.. So now im fasting again.. I need to do this, I need it now.. I cant stand this!.. I cant stand getting dressed or looking at myself in the mirror or living with myself.. The worst part are my thighsm they're huge!!! I can feel them touch when i sit down, they look so big with leggings so I cant wear them anymore.. this is killing me I cried today like a baby cause of my body..

My life sucks right now.. I wish that no one ever goes through what im going through.. My nude pictures are everywhere, everyone has seen them and everyone keeps staring at me and talking shit about me.. Someone sent the pictures to my mother last night and she sent them to my dad and now my whole family hates me and is ashamed of me and they want me out of the house.. No one says a word to me and when they do they just tell me what a stupid whore I am..

My life sucks and the worst part is that im fat.. I cant deal with being fat right now.. This is killing me, I need to lose all this weight fast, i dont get why im losing so slowly.. I HATE MY LIFE, I HAVE NO REASON AT ALL TO WAKE UP ANYMORE..

People tell me I have to fight but I have no reason to.. I need to be thin again, I have to be thin again.. My body is all I have left..

Thank u so muc for ur comments, u really made me feel better... I dont knko what I would do without this blog.. Its the only place im not being judged or made fun of.. thank u so much

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

What If I broke my own heart?

Hey girls..

I weighed myself today, i weigh 51.9 which means I lost 400 grams.

I bought hydroxycut and xenical to lose faster and im still fasting.. I also burnt 500 calories at the gym.. I dont get why Im losing so slowly.. This sucks and im hungry and in the worst mood..

Im still going through hell.. the situation with the naked pictures is starting to explode and im gonna have to tell my dad before someone sends them to my family.. im scared.. i dont know what he will do.. maybe hit me or kick me out of the house.. i dont wanna think about this anymore.. i need some sleep, i havent slept in a week... i dont know what to do anymore.. my life is falling apart infront of me and there is absolutely nothing i can do..

I guess u guys think im boring or something cause u stopped commenting.. or maybe u just think im fat.. oh well..

tears are flooding my eyes again.. how many more tears do i have inside me? its like there is an ocean inside me and all the water is coming out, and then ill be dry and empty, and i can even feel everything getting thirsty inside me, dying..

I can feel people watching me, staring at me, pointing fingers at me.. even in the darkness, even when i sleep, even when im alone.. why do i even bother wearing clothes anymore, everyone has seen me naked already..

Ana is all I have left.. if my life is gonna suck at least i wanna be pretty and thin.. my body isnt even my own has become public..

stay strong..

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Take me somewhere off the map...

Hey girls..
I guess u guys deserve 2 know more about me than just what I eat.. I have 55 followers! I have no idea how that happened!.. This may sound pathetic but ive never felt more listened to in my entire life... There are 55 people in this world that actually care and it igves my life some meaning, so thank u so much!.. Here we go..
Name: Samantha
Age: 18
Parents: Divorced when i was 12
Siblings: 1 younger sister, 2 step brothers
Live with: Dad, stepmom, and her 2 sons.
Relationship with dad- not good, not bad, just non-existant. He is a heart surgeon so he is never home, and when he is, he spends his time with his new family and doesnt even notice I exist.
Relationship with mom: really bad, i dont live with her.. long story short- she is a diagnosed bipolar and manic depressive, some days she says she loves me with all her heart, other days she says she regrets the day i was born, im a mistake of god, she doesnt know what she did in her life to deserve this monster as a daughter, etc etc.. When I lived with her there was no food or water at home, she spent all the money drinking and partying, she didnt come home at night, etc so I was always fighting with her.. I got tired of it when I was 13 and told her I was gonna go live with my dad, she hit me with hangers and i didnt speak to her for the following 2 years.. I started speaking to her again cuz I wanted to have a relationship with my sister (who lives with my mom) and it was the only way.. I hate my mother, but I have to deal with her if i want to see my sister..
Relationship with sister: Bad.. My mom told her I abandoned them to live with my dad and that I am the worst human being on this planet.. Sometimes we try to get along but she hates me cuz she thinks I am responsible for her and my mom´s suffering.. She is also a backstabbing 15 year old bitch..
Teenage years: I became an adult at 13.. No one looked out for me, I did what I wanted and im proud of myself cuz I took care of myself the best I could.. I did make many mistakes but I didnt do drugs or have sex until i was 17 and i have no tattoos yet.. I got kicked out of many schools but I finished high school well and now Im in university.
Self- esteem: I have always needed attention.. I think the reason I failed school so much was that my dad payed more attention to me when I got an F than when I got an A. I practically destroyed my reputation by wearing very sexy clothes and making out with guys just so I could feel looked at or loved for even a moment. I always knew I had the potential to be beautiful but I didnt see it.. I hated myself (I still do), I always imagined the day when I could be thin like models and become one. I dreamt of the day someone would notice my existence.
Eating disorders- I believe at first I was a compulsive eater.. I was never what a normal person would call fat but I did have huge boobs and a huge ass and curves.. I ate all day, all the time just to feel full.. Until one day I realized that I didnt feel full, i just felt emptier and uglier and I hated myself more.. So without noticing i just started eating less and less and less until now.. At firts it was 100 calories, then 900, then 800, and so on until 200 was too much.. I stopped eating carbs and meat, I stopped drinking calories, etc.. I never weighed myself and it suddenly became a necesary ritual to start my day, no matter how much i lost it was never enough, i always wanted more.. One kilo more and ill be thin, one kilo more and ill be pretty.. People started to tell me I looked sick and bony and pale and that i wasnt pretty anymore.. My boyfriend told me he wasnt atracted to me anymore, that i was too skinny.. I didnt care what people sais, i cared about ehat i saw in the mirror and i still see fat.. My clothes are huge on me and im still scared to put them on cause i think they will be too tight.. I remember i dreamt about weighing 55 kilograms.. and when i hit that weight i opened this blog cause i needed more.. i still wasnt happy.. When I hit 51 kilograms I stopped getting my period.. My dad didnt even notice I lost so much weight (11 kilograms) all I ever wanted was his attention, for him to look at me and he didnt.. so i told him about my period and I started going to an in an out clinic (i still go).. I see a therapist and a nutritionist but they believe my lies, they make me drink ensure bottles and i obviously dont, i wear weights on my ankles, i tell them i take the prozac and i dont, etc etc.. instead of pulling me out of this sickness, they pushed me even more into it cause i started to lie.. The truth is I dont want to get cured from this.. Ana is all I have.. For the first time in my life ive been getting attention from friends, family, etc.. even if its negative attention i feel noticed and i need it, i like it.. There is nothing the clinic can do if i dont let them.. I was 49 kilograms and still not happy, but the happiest i had ever been.. Then I dont know what happened to me and I started binging and purging and now I weigh 52 kilograms.. I completely repulse myself.. The attention is gone and I wanted back.. There is nothing i can wear right now cause my jeans are too big but my leggins dont look as good as before.. i hate this.. I need to weigh 48, i need it more than oxygen so im fasting again.. apparently fasting doesnt work on my body like it used to.. my body got used to it and im not losing any apparent weight.. u have no idea the frustration it is to fast and not get thinner.. what else can i do?

Boyfriend: Ive been with my boy for 3 years (on and off) he taught me everything, he was my first everything, he loves me with all he has and i have never understood why.. every girl i know wants him and he insists on being with me (the fat, sick, depressive slut) why??? ill never know.. A month ago we broke up and I started dating a 26 year old guy who treats me like a queen, makes me feel like a princess but i dont know something is missing.. I went out with him 7 times already and he is crazy about me.. even though i wasnt completely happy i still kept going out with him.. until my worst nightmare happened.. 2 years ago i lived in san diego california and hadnt seen my boyfriend in 2 months so i sent him pictures of my boobs.. his computer broke and a mutual friend offered to fix it.. a week ago the pictures started comming out and people all around me are getting them by e- mail.. apparently the guy who fixed the computer stole them 2 years ago and is now sending them.. my ex is making him wish he was dead.. i havent slept for a week and thats the reason ive been binging and purging like hell.. the guy im dating has no idea about this situation.. i didnt tell him cause i thought i could keep it under control but apparently i cant.. my ex has been by my side this whole week calming me down and crying with me and helping me cause he still loves me like crazy and would die for me.. all this timr with him made me realize that i still love him and that i want to be with him.. and now i dont know what to do cause this other guy thinks im gonna be his girlfriend any day now.. im not sure what to do cause one part of me wants to date this guy and have an older boyfriend and live different things, but another side of me wants to be with my ex... the other problem is that if i decide to be with the new guy im gonna have to tell him about the pictures or he will find out and i dont know if he will still want to be with me... the other problem is that if the pictures get to more peoples hands then the whole community will know and my dad will send me to another continent..

so as u can see, i havent slept in a week.. my body is against me.. my mind is racing.. my heart hurts like hell.. i feel like my body is eating me up.. i dont know what to do in any aspect of my entire life and ive been seriously thinking about running away.. what the fuck am i to do?
my whole life was finally turning out okay and then SHIT HAPPENED.. and now im fucked..
I just wanted to share a part of me with u.. ill share more some other time, about my friends, hobbies, etc.. even if it doesnt matter anymore cause my name, my reputation, my life, etc is going down the drain and ill have to move and change my name.. I live in a ver closed community in mexico city where everyone knows each other so i cant stay here and be the whore whos boobs are on everyone's cellphones..

The worst part is even though im dying inside.. my family doesnt know and i cant tell them.. not even the guy im dating.. what should i do?

Monday, February 1, 2010

Faces I recognized sorrounded me and yet I knew none of them...

Its 10:29 pm and ive succesfully fasted through the day..

I also burnt 500 calories at the gym.. I couldnt weigh myself though, I had no scale, ill weigh myself tomorrow..

I know its just been a day, but I feel thiner already! Maybe its the feeling of emptyness..

Im still very weak.. Ive been having cravings all day.. this didnt happen to me when I used to fast.. I hated food, it made me sick.. I wanna get that feeling again, i need it.. Im scared of myself.

Tomorrows plan is to go to uni, go buy hydroxycut, go to the gym at lunch time, burn 500, weigh myself, drink a lot of water and coffee..

Oh I cant wait to be scary skinny again! I need it more than oxygen, without it ill surely die!

My boy is at denver this week, i cant wait for him 2 come back and see me beautiful and frail! Im sure he is gonna ask me to be his girlfriend when he comes back, i need to look gorgeous!

Why is fasting so hard right now? it used to be so easy for me.. aghh what the fuck happened to me!

Nothing more for today.. talk to u guys 2morrow.. why dont u guys comment anymore?