Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Now that ive given up hope, i feel much better..

Hey there!

So my 18th birthday was yesterday and I had a wonderful time with my closest family and friends... I got lots of presents and my bestest friend made me a letter that was 18 pages long!.. i love her!.. it was the best present anyone ever gave me... it made my day.. i love u lisa..

Now, about food...the day was a total disaster.. i can actually truly say i have never ever ever had so much food in one single day.. i think i ate like 1800 calories.. i had like 5 pieces of cake, plus breakfast, lunch, and dinner... DISGUSTING.. i did burn 750 calories at the gym yesterday..

Ive been craving a bowl of cereal for months now.. i know it may sound stupid to most of u, but ive really been dying for a bowl of cereal with milk and there was no way i would eat it.. i couldnt bring myself to it.. i dont know why im so terrified of carbs and milk.. anyway, so last night when i got home and realized how much of a distaster the day was (calorie wise) i decided i would eat my bowl of cereal and just get it over it, cause there was no way in hell that i could feel guiltier.. and now that i did it, i feel so much better! i had it all and more, and today i could start cleansing my body again... so today i fasted and burnt 800 calories at the gym, and im planning on fasting tomorrow too.. oh and i forgot to tell u that i weighed myself and im currently at 50.7 kilograms which means i gained a kilo, but im working on losing it now..

u know what the worst part of having this eating disorder is?.. that i used to dream of weighing what i weigh now, and now that i weight this, i feel fat cause ive been a kilo thinner.. when will my mind understand that 50 kilos is NOT FAT.. when will it ever be enough? ugggghhhhh..

I found this survey on "Behind the Fat" blog and i answered it, u guys should do it too..

Size: 4
Age: 18
Highest Weight: 63 kilos (138 lbs)
Lowest Weight: 49.8 kilos (109.7 lbs)
Goal Weight: when i like myself..
Favorite Diet Food? tea, vegetables, fruit, low cal products..
Favorite Binge Food? chocolate, ice cream, and i usually binge on low cal food..
Favorite Exercise? dancing, pilates
Thinspo? lindsay lohan, alessandra ambrosio, cassie from skins
What Makes You Slip Up? anxiety, stress, cravings...
What Makes You Strong? fasts, willpower, self-hatred..
When Did It Start? im not sure..
Does Anyone Know? everyone..
Do You Want Help? a part of me does, a part of me doesnt..
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? from zero to 600..
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? somebody else
Are You In A Relationship? kinda
Is It For Attention? maybe
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? thin
Are You Depressed? yes
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? no
Ever Been To A Psychologist? yes
Are You On Any Medication? prozac
I AM -
[x] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[x] bulimic
[x ] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
(x] thirsty
[] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[x] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan
[x] people ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me
[] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[] I could hide what I am
[] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[x) I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[x] I could disappear
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[ ] shaking
(x] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[] green tea
[x] diet pills
(x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
[ ] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[x] fat people
[x] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[x] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[] more water
[] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 10 lbs

appointment at the clinic tomorrow.. let u know.. love u guys

Sunday, November 22, 2009

i hate birthdays and parties and cake..

I took a laxative cocktail last night.. i literally drank an entire bottle of i dont know what medicine and took like 4 pills.. Ive been going to the bathroom every 20 minutes since 10 am today non-stop... i feel like i gave birth to triplets, like i lost weight.. thats the good news of the day..

the bad news is that i went to this thai delicious restaurant with my dad's family and ate a looot!

shrimp, chicken, fish, some bread, and chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream!!!! oh and i also had fruit and caramel popcorn... eewwww!.. i havent weighed myself since thursday when i was 50.2 kilograms and i have been eating too much since then so im really scared of weighinhg myself.. im sure i gained a kilo.. i can see it in the mirror.. fuck!.. also i didnt work out today or yesterday..


im scared of weighing myself and ruining my day... im scared of my birthday party and the food involved, im scared of my birthday cake.. im scared of my anorexic thoughts ruining my 18th birthday.. i wish that only for this day i could be happy and eat without one single guilty thought.. i tried to do that today and it didnt work.. i feel guilty and fat as hell.. what a sad world we live in.. the worst part is i already know im gonna eat a lot.. im not even planning on avoiding or restricting cause everyone is doing this for me and i dont know why i want it.. how can my body be thin if i have a fat person's cravings and binges.. the other worst part is that i just want the day to end, i just want to get it over with so i can start clean on tuesday and lose the weight..

Oh i also forgot to tell u i bought these pills they are called xenical and they are supposed to stop ur body from absorbing 1/3 of the fat u eat... its supposed to work.. lets see..

ill let u know how the bday turned out.. i love u guys

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Trapped inside my own head, wishing to be anyone else but me..

Im sorry for not posting the past days.. my week hasnt been that good and i just didnt feel like writing anything..

My digestive system hates me, ive been constipated for the last 5 days.. (true).. im dying!

my stomach hurts and im bloated and i dont even want to weigh myself cause im so scared of my weight.. Also, i have been eating a little more than i should, like 600 cal.. My dad gave me this super strong laxative that is supposed to cleanse my intestines completely in the next 6 hours.

Thursday i burnt 1000 calories at the gym, friday i burnt 500, amd today i didnt work out.. I had an appointment with my dad and my doctors at the clinic and they told me that if i didnt gain weight this week i was going to have severe consecuences.. i hate them..

Do u guys wanna hear something really sad?.. My 18th birthday is in two days and instead of being exited, im in a bad mood and nervous because of all the food... Tomorrow my dad is taking me to this new thai restaurant for lunch with his family, and monday my mom is throwing me a party in the day and my boyfriend is taking me to dinner.. FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!!..

I told my family i dont want any cake and they all started yelling at me, they said "its ur bday, u have to eat cake"..i wanted my bday to be a good day.. i guess it will just end up like any other crappy day when i purge and feel guilty..

I know im gonna eat a lot tomorrow at that restaurant and im already in a bad mood.. i just dont know how to control myself when i eat.. FUCK CAKE, FUCK FOOD, FUCK BIRTHDAYS...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

oh sweet sorrow the time u borrow, will u be here when i wake up tomorrow?

Hey guys!

So I weighed myself today and im not sure if its a miracle or if their is something seriosuly weird going on with my body.. but i weigh 49.8 kilograms (and yes, i double checked)..WTF?

The last time i weighed myself was friday and i was 50.2 kilograms, then i fucking pinged all weekend and now im 49.8! again WTF!!!! I did take laxies everyday but i had to gain something, i ate like a pig.. i dont understand this.. but u know what, i dont need to understand it as long as it keeps happening!..

So i burnt 500 calories at the gym today and i did eat.. i had soup, vegetables, and some chicken for lunch; and i had tuna sashimi and some carrots for dinner.. i also have to confess i had some candy but it wasnt much, just some bites so im not going crazy over it..

Im tired of starving and binging so im actually trying to eat like a normal person (and obviously try to mantain my weight at the same time, staying below 500 cal) when i say normal i mean not starving and not over eating, just eating enough.. if i start gaining then i guess ill have to eat less and excersize more.. im a lot calmer this way, i still feel a little guilty and i was thinking of throwing up dinner but i had already taken my pill so i couldnt.. will the guilt ever go away? its always there, even when i barely eat..

Tomorrow i have appointments with the nutritionist and the psychologist with my dad.. and im nervous cause i lost a looooooot of weight, like 4 kilograms and they are all going to kill me and force feed me and make my life miserable... i hate how they dont realize how they affect me.. if they make me eat more then im gonna over excersize and vomit.. if they let me stay on this weight then i will eat healthily.. i dont get why they wont let me stay on this weight if im not dying, im perfectly fine... stupid doctors.

why do i feel fat if im not even 50 kilograms?.. why am i still not happy?.. will i ever be?

Monday, November 16, 2009

save me from myself..


Im sorry for not posting all weekend but i was out of town with my family and had no computers... I spent a lot of time with my sister and my cousins, and all they do is EAT..and they dont just eat, they binge and they only eat delicious fattening food.. (and thats why they are fat). And i dont know what happened to me or what got into me but this weekend, all i did was stuff my body with everything and anything around.. first i started binging with the healthy stuff, fruits and veggies.. then when i finished that i moved on to yogurt and low fat cheese, then i moved on to popcorn, then chips, then cookies, etc etc etc

Friday I weighed 50.2 kilograms... im gonna weigh myself tomorrow, im sure i gained something but i dont know how much.. I took as many laxies as i could and right now i think i did something to my stomach cause im dying of pain..

I cant deal with this anymore..this starve and binge cycle, its killing me.. this anxiety i only know how to stop it when i starve.. u can call it anorexia, u can call it bulimia.. but in the end i have an eating disorder, i dont care which one.. I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO EAT NORMALLY.. i just know how to starve and how to binge.. im only happy when im starving.. the moment i put something in my mouth, anything, i already feel im a failiure, i already feel dirty inside, i already feel fat.. I dream of the day i can eat a piece of fruit without feeling guilty..

And also there is something wrong going on with my brain.. i kinda believe the only way i can lose weight is by fasting.. if i eat a piece of anything then my brain automatically believes im not gonna lose any weight so i keep on eating..

aaaaggghhhhhh somebody please help me! please, i cant live like this.. i cant fucking deal with my thoughts.. i just wish i could turn my mind off just for one second.. i wish that just for one second i wouldnt be thinking of calories, or weight, or food.. i wish i could be free of this torture!.. my whole life revolves around food.. my days are planned based on how to avoid food, what to do to avoid lunch, etc etc.. i only go to places that have light food, ive stopped going to the movies cause the smell of popcorn makes me cry cause i want it so bad and i cant have it.. i cant sleep because what i ate tortures me all night, i cant sleep thinking about what i can eat tomorrow, i cant sleep cause im too busy dreaming of someday.. someday when ill look in the mirror and smile..

i am going out of my fucking mind, i am frustrated, i am my own enemy, i am in this war against my own self and i dont know which side im on..

and the worst part is: id rather live tortured and skinny, than free and fat.. how sad.. how empty can someone be?


Thursday, November 12, 2009

I lie awake in bed wishing I was dead.

aaghhhh!!!! right now i feel so bloated and disgusted with myself!.. i feel faaaaat!

so today i had to eat solid food!.. my dad and my stepmom noticed im too skiny and my dad called the clinic and everyone is so worried and they had to see me eat.. so i ate some soup and some veggies.. then i got home and i had some artichoke and cheese dip!.. i dont know why i did that, i have no idea.. my willpower was perfect! i really did not want food.. i knew this would happen the moment i put something solid in my mouth.. ugh i fucking hate myself im a fucking failiure.. ive been the same weight for 3 days in a row, 49.9 kilograms.. and then i weighed myself a while ago and i weigh 50.. maybe its the food and the liquids but please pray that im still 49.9 tomorrow.. i wanna die!!!!!!!!!

i wanna start another semi fast for the weekend but i dont know if i will be able to get away with it with everyone watching me and pressuring me.. I WILL ONLY EAT WHEN IM FORCED TO AND WHAT IM FORCED TO.. PERIOD.. im not believing myself.. something is telling me i dont have the strength.. my own mind is telling me im a failiure already....

aghhh my stomach is growling and i feel sick and dirty inside and i dont feel thin anymore.. even though im only 50 kilos y dont feel thin!.. please tell me im thin!.. PLEASE!..

I dont know what happened but i dont wanna put on bikinis anymore.. im disgusted from myself..

tomorrow is a new day, a new start!.. ill try to fast I WILL NOT FAIL.. im so scared of gaining all the weight i lost.. im so scared.. god help me.. my stomach is bloated already..

if i cant fast then i the only things i can eat are soup, yogurt, and if i have to ill eat veggies but i really dont want to!.. I WANNA DIE!.. I WISH I COULD JUST DIE RIGHT NOW, AT LEAST I WOULD DIE THIN AND PERFECT.. ID RATHER DIE THAN GAIN THE WEIGHT BACK.. I WANNA KILL MYSELF..

im sorry for being such a failiure.. im sorry if i disappointed u.. IM SORRY FOR BEING A FUCKING LOSER..

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

There is this girl in the mirror, i wonder who she is. Sometimes i think i know her, sometimes i wish i did...

Hello people!
thank u sooo much for all ur positive comments!! u guys made me feel a little more confident and comfortable with myself.. its sad but i think i dont have a personal opinion about myself and i had to wait for urs to see if i liked myself or not.. the fact that u guys think im pretty made me like myself a little.. THANK U!.. really u guys r sweethearts i love u so much!

Im still kinda fasting.. this would be the 9th day without solid food.. ive only had tea, coffee, diet coke, gum, cigarettes, diet jell-o, and soup.. im having the soup to slowly find my way out of the fast without gaining but it seem im still losing weight, even with the soup.. yesterday i weighed 50.1 kilograms, today i weigh 49.9 kilograms.. i dont think i should lose more weight.. im kinda comfortable with my body like this and if i lose more weight then they will probably put me into the clinic and force feed me until im a fucking cow..
im nervous cause ive got an appointment with my nutritionist tomorrow and she will be soo mad cause im still losing weight! i dont know if she will call my parents i dont have anymore excuses for her...
Im going to acapulco on friday which is beach in mexico where we go when we have a few days off from school.. usually i dont wanna go cuz i dont want people to see me in a bikini.. but right now i really wanna go!.. i wanna show off this body while i can.. before they make me gain weight again..
i kinda want to end my fast but im so scared!!.. im scared of eating anything and gaining from it.. im scared of anything solid!.. im even scared of fruit and vegetables or yoghurt... im scared to eat before acapulco.. im scared to eat PERIOD.. tell me im being paranoid..
Again i wanna say thank u for ur wonderful comments!.. i dont know what i would do without u..

Sunday, November 8, 2009


Hey beauties!..
so today is the big day.. im posting pictures of myself..
before u see them i want u 2 know i took these pictures on thursday, im still fasting, this is the 7th day so im a little thinner now than i was the day i took the photos..
today i weigh 50.2 kilograms.. still havent hit 50.. this sucks and my parents get back from their trip today.. i dont know if i will be able to stay on my fast for a couple of days more.. im only 200 grams away!.. Its weird that today i have more energy than yesterday, i burnt 350 calories on the elliptical and did some weights.. Ihope u guys dont get disappointed when u see me.. im really nervous about what u guys think.. PLEASE COMMENT!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Ive spent so much time in darkness, I almost forgot how beautiful the moonlight is.

Hello people!..
Today is day number 6 of fasting!.. Its the longest I have ever fasted.. Im sorry I didnt post anything yesterday, i didnt have time, i went to akon's concert! it was amazing!.. the most amazing part was that I felt thinner when I danced.. I could feel every movement in my body without fat messing it up!.. Yesterday I weighed 50.5 kilograms and today I weigh 50.3 kilograms.. i dont get why im losing so slow!!! I will die if I dont hit 50! I fucking need that number.. I have also been excersizing.. not as much as I usually do but I have done something..

Right now I have to eat with my sister and cousin, I have to eat something cause my sister is realy worried about me and I dont want to scare her even more.. so I will have some carrot soup, its made with water, and it only has 50 calories.. i know its like breaking a fast but i dont feel like i will break it cause its still nothing solid and its the only thing ill eat.. i wanna fast forever..

I have a surprise for u guys!.. as i promised, I will post some pictures of me, without my face showing!.. i will post them on my next post.. im nervous!!!!

any tips to how to stay this weight once i start eating again?.. or how not to gain that much?.. help! i really love u people!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Im scared of my own thoughts..

Hey guys!..

Today would be day number 4 of fasting.. im not in the best mood cause I weigh the same weight as yesterday, 50.9 kilograms.. i didnt even lose one gram.. this sucks i dont get it..

I thought i was supposed to lose one lb a day when I fast.. Im also mad cause i discovered this place with delicious frappe teas and the lady said it had no calories and now another lady said it has 140!!!!!!! so i wanna fucking die cause ive been starving myself and then without knowing i drank 140 calories.. I NEVER DRINK CALORES!

I went to therapy yesterday with my psychiatrist.. he makes me think a lot, he tries to understand what happens in my head and why i do this to myself so he makes me say all my crazy anorexic, self-destructive, pathetic thoughts out loud.. and everytime i say something i realize how fucked up i really am for thinking like that.. examples: "i starve so my body could be as empty as my soul, and maybe then i can feel like i belong inside this skin", "im all alone trapped in my own head, wishing to be anyone but me.", "i only feel beautiful when im hungry"...

I have to go girls my step brother is sitting right next to me.. ill write more later.. i love u

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I sit here and starve because the pain of being hungry is the one kind of pain I can control.

Fast day 2

Hey beauties!
Day 2 of fasting completed!.. today was harder than yesterday.. i went to the gym and i could only burn 200 calories on the elliptical cause i started feeling lightheaded.. i did some weights and went to the tanning bed.. (the tanning bed is great, i think i would look really sick without it).. i also weighed myself and im 51.2 kilograms! is it possible to lose 1 kilo in one day?..

I was really tired today, and really cold.. also i couldnt concentrate well, my mind was somewhere else.. i had a lot of cravings today but i was strong and stayed away from food.. i dont know why i just couldnt stop thinking about delicious flavors.. I hate this because right now if i ate a chocolate bar or an icecream i wouldnt gain weight because i havent eaten anything else, but i wont do it cause then i feel like a failiure..I slept all day and that saved me from caving.. I only had 2 diet sprites,1 light jell-o, 2 bottles of water, 1 weird oreo and vanilla flavored frappe tea made with water and splenda.. im kinda scared cause it was too good to be only tea.. the lady said it wasnt fattening at all.. i hope so..

I like this feeling of emptyness, of frailness.. i still dont feel thin.. i dont get whats wrong with me.. im still wearing really baggy pants and a loose shirt cause im scared of looking fat.. am i fucked up or what? i mean come one i weigh like 112 lbs.. maybe tomorrow i will feel thinner.. ill try to put on some leggings without being scared..

I wish i could live like this forever.. i wish i could fast forever, or at least only eat one thing a day.. the fact that my parents are comming back on sunday and i will have to eat normally again is killing me.. i dont know how i will handle it.. i only know how to control myself when i dont eat anything.. if i eat something then i eat it all.. im scared of gaining all the weight im losing.. why isnt it possible to eat and stay this weight? im not talking about eating like a pig, just how much can i eat and stay this way?

I hope tomorrow is a better day, i hope its easier to get through.. im gonna drink a red bull maybe that will help with the weakness.. im also scared cause i have to go to the nutritionist and the psychiatrist tomorrow and lie to them about what ive been eating and find an excuse to tell the nutritionist about my sudden weight loss.. im scared that she will force feed me or call my parents.. god help me.

Im also really glad i told my friend about this.. it brought us a lot closer together.. its like we are one person now.. for the first time in my life i dont feel alone.. its hard letting someone in when life has taught u to wear masks and build walls against people.. im still getting used to having someone who cares about me.. i think im starting to take care of myself a little more than i used to cause now i have someone that loves me and it would hurt her if something happened to me..
when u have no one its easier to let go and stop fighting..

2 days of fasting and still not happy, still not thin enough.. maybe tomorrow i will like myself, maybe the day after that, maybe 2 kilos less,...maybe when i die.
love u, i hope u guys are doing better than me..

Out of all the people she could hate, she picked herself...

Fast day 1

Hello lovelies!

The day went smoothly!.. I avoided food at all costs, even the thought of food.. I did drink too many liquids.. 1 bottle of water, 3 diet cokes, 2 teas, 1 coffee.. i feel bloated as hell right now.. i feel like i ate a cow when i didnt eat anything... well i did eat some light jell-o right now but it doesnt count as food..

I weighed myself today.. 52.2 kilograms. Im happy cause its more than a kilo less than last week, but its still not 50.. Im kinda disappointed in myself cause I only burnt 100 calories at the gym today.. only ten minutes of cardio and an hour of pilates.. i dont know why i didnt do more cardio.. i never allow myself to burn under 500 calories.. i will try to do better tomorrow..

Today, I opened my heart out completly to my best friend.. I SHOWED HER MY BLOG..

No one even knew about the existence of this blog.. I had never told anyone about it.. It was my deepest darkest secret.. She knows everything else about me.. everything!.. she is more than a sister to me.. she is like part of me.. it didnt feel right to hide this from her, when its one of the most important parts of my life.. She also read ur comments, she said it was amazing how people i dont even know support me.. she said u guys are sweethearts..

It was really hard.. i was scared of her reaction.. what i right here scares me when i read it after.. even though she said it didnt scare her and that she understands me, i know she doesnt.. i know she was kinda freaked out, i could see it on her face.. i hope this doesnt change things between us.. she knows i have an eating disorder, but this is different, what i write here is different.. its a part of me she didnt know..

Im scared of losing her.. she is the only thing i have, the only person that knows me, the only person that cares for me, the only person that loves me, the only person that i love... but i believe that if we are truly as close as we think we are, then this will not break us, it will only pull us closer together... I LOVE YOU L.

Even though I still dont feel empty or pure, I did feel calmer today.. For the first time in months i felt free.. free of food tormenting my day and night.. i could actually think of something else that wasnt calories.. its funny how i only feel normal when i dont eat.. its the only time my mind is sane.. LET ME BE EMPTY AND WEIGHTLESS AND MAYBE ILL FIND PEACE TONIGHT..


Sunday, November 1, 2009

Because the mirror hurts more than starving.


So today i didnt do that bad..
my parents just left to argentina like an hour ago, so i had to have lunch and dinner with them..
1 vegetable soup
1 plate of broccoli and carrots and some weird pastries that are 3 calories each.. i had like 15..

Im guessing the total is like 350 calories max!..
I also burnt 500 calories on the elliptical and did some weights..

Tomorrow I start my 7 day fast!..
Usually when i start a fast im really excited, its when i feel the closest to ana.. I dont know why im not that excited right now..
these stupid thoughts keep crossing my mind like: "maybe u can have capuccinos on ur fast", "maybe soup with little calores is acceptable", "diet jell-o is okay"....NOT!!!

i think the worst day will be tomorrow.. after i fast for a day then i wont want food.. the starting part is whats hard.. i dont know whats happening to me.. im losing my dream.. u guys know me, u know how strong and controling i can be.. where is that girl?.. help me find her..
how is it possible that after all the disgusting crap i ate yesterday i still want food..
do u guys know any sites or something that can motivate me and make me hate food?

Tomorrows plan..
-weigh myself to see my starting weight at the fast.. (im scared) 10 am
-one hour of cardio (-500 cals)
-one hour of pilates 11 am
-come home and sleep 12 30 am
-leave the house at lunch time 3 pm (i have no idea where i will go, maybe ill go to the gym again)
-come back home 4 30 pm
-go have some coffee with friends 6 30 pm
-find something to do to avoid dinner and cravings.. (any ideas)

all i can have this week is tea, coffee, cigarettes, gum, chicken broth, diet jell-o.

I wish i had diet pills.. i ran out and my dad left town and i dont have any extra money for them..

how much weight do u guys think i will lose in 7 days of fasting? motivate me!.. tell me the results ill have!.. my thinspo for this week is lindsay lohan, i completely idolize her..

I have some wishes or goals for this week-
1.bones to show (collar bones, hips, ribs, back bones, etc)
2.legs almost as thin as my arms.
3.weigh 50 kilos.. 49 would be better, but at least 50.
4.try to fast for more than 7 days..
5.feel weak, feel faint, feel dizzy, look pale even with my fake tan, look sick again, have people worry, make me feel a little better about myself..

I love u people.. u have no idea how u help me.. everyday the first thing i do is check for comments.. they motivate me, please dont stop commenting.. u have no idea the smile on my face when i read them and i feel noticed and cared for..

i also promise to post some pictures of me at the end of my fast!.. so dont let me fail.. i love u

Im just a fucked up girl with this fucked up body, living in a fucked up life in this fucked up world.


-burnt 500 calories at the gym


-fish and veggies

-fortune cookie

-caramel popcorn!



-shrimp and veggies

-chocolate cookies

-normal cookies


-more cookies

-glass of milk!


the worst part is that I didnt care.. i completely knew what I was doing and kept doing it.. i wanted more, i allowed myself more.. as a matter a fact I just ate more cookies 5 seconds ago..

I want more.. omg that chocolate was so good, and the glass of milk!.. i completely forgot how much i love milk!.. its been ages since ive had some.. I NEVER DRINK CALORIES..

WTF?????... i think its been forever since i ate like this.. FOREVER!.. the last time I ate like this was when i was fat.. i used to eat like this everyday.. LIMITLESS.. im scared of myself..

the worst fucking part is that i didnt even want to purge, i didnt care, i actually said to myself "it doesnt matter, its just one day of binging, u wont gain weight, its only one day, enjoy it"..I am the most pathetic person in this fucking earth.. i think im going crazy, cause if i was sane i would never ever ever in a thousand hundred years allow myself to eat what i ate.. i think i ate in one day what i eat in a month.. ugh i feel dirty.. and now that i want to vomit, i really want to vomit, I CANT.. i just took my last two laxies a while ago and if i vomit then i will vomit the laxies too and i dont have more.. worst fucking day of my life.. i cant believe i actually ate carbs!! and sugaar!.. cookies, milk, chocolate, popcorn?????? WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think my body needed it.. im gonna try to stay calm.. im just gonna erase today from my memory, from my life.. this didnt happen.. these things dont happen to me!.. i am stronger than this!.. i dont want that food.. i dont even like it, i hate it!.. from now on im gonna haate chocolate, im gonna haate cookies.. im gonna hate everything! even veggies!.. i dont want foood!!!!!!!!!

i want fucking emptyness!!! i want fucking bones!!!!!

parents leaving to argentina tomorrow for 7 days.. which means= 7 DAYS OF FASTING!!!!! 7 DAYS OF PURE EMPTYNESS!!! SEVEN DAYS OF NOTHING! 7 DAYS OF THIN!.. SEVEN DAYS OF PERFECTION!!.. 7 DAYS OF FUCKING FREEDOM!!!!!!

I think it was good that i did this today!.. cause now im more disgusted of food than i have ever been!!.. perfect to start a fast!.. even coffe and tea disgust me!..



anyone wanna join us?.. we can make it like a competition! im also gonna work out till i faint.. if i dont faint then its not enough..