Tuesday, December 29, 2009

It feels like everyone is sitting in sunshine while im drowning in the rain..


So I weighed myself today, and guess what?...I weigh 51.7!!!! 2 kilos less than yesterday! oh how i love it when these things happen! I burnt 500 calories at the gym and dis an hour of pilates!

Ive had nothing but water and coffee! I told my dad I was gonna have lunch with my boyfriend late so he didnt make me eat but i had to sit with my family at the table while they were eating.. u have no idea how difficult it was to eat nothing! and there was all the food that i loved, and it wasnt fattening.. but i had nothing! only water...

I fucking loove doing this! I love it! Im finally feeling like myself again... Im back to my ways that keep me sane..

Im going to acapulco tomorrow with a friend.. I wont be able to excersize but i will do all i can to keep fasting.. Its gonna be so hard cause she cant notice i wont be eating.. i dont know what to do?.. i think im gonna take some cookies and leave the empty packages everywhere in the house so that she thinks im eating them.. the problem will be at dinner time and lunch time.. what will i do? please help me u guys!

Im gonna wake up extra early tomorrow and go to the gym.. ill burn another 500 calories and ill do another hour of pilates..

Im so excited that i lost 2 kilos in one day!.. i think it was all water weight.. i still dont look as thin as i did before but im working on it.. im excited about acapulco but i dont wanna eat! what do i do?

I finally feel like im back to my old self.. im putting my life back together again.. oh ana i love u so much..

Monday, December 28, 2009


Hello people! im back..

A lot has happened since i last posted.. I went to Puerto Vallarta with my family for a week and as u can imagine, it was a complete disaster..

The plan was to only eat when I was forced to and what i was forced to.. it didnt work out cause i dont know how to eat.. I only know how to starve and binge..

The first days I only ate vegetables, but I still felt fat cause I was eating.. its like my mind doesnt see the difference between fattening food, and not fattening food.. to my brain it is all just food and it all makes me gain weight.. The last days I ate carbs, protein, desserts, everything!.. when i start eating i dont know when to stop.. i hate putting food inside myself, but if i already ate some, then i just keep on eating.. I purged like 5000 times... I was miserable.. I feel like my whole life has been torn apart in a week.. I dont know why i am so obsesive but i have my lifestyle planned out and i need it to work that way.. I went on vacation for a week, just for one week i ate "normaly" and for one week i didnt work out, and now im going crazy!!!!..

I weighed myself today and I weigh 53.6 kilograms.. I look in the mirror and i feel nauseus and disgusted and i want to die.. I cant stand looking at myself, i cant live with myself like this.. I cant live inside this disgusting body..

I started a fast today, I will keep going until I am at 49 kilos again.. then i will keep going more.. But i wont be at peace until I weigh 49 kilograms again.. I refuse to weigh more than that.. This is the highest weight I will ever allow myself to be.. I will never gain weight again, from now on i only lose weight..

I feel so frustrated, I failed ana, I failed myself, I failes everything i live for.. Im such a failiure.. My dad isnt even making me drink the ensure bottle anymore.. i should be happy but im not cause that means he is not worried about me anymore cause im not as thin as i used to be.. I fucking hate looking healthy! I hate this!.. I am not this normal person.. I refuse to look normal!

I need myself back! I cant deal with this.. Thank god I still havent gotten my period again..

I wish the days would pass faster! Im not hungry, I just want the days to pass so I can lose this fucking weight!.. Living bothers me right now.. I wanna crawl in a hole and stay there until im beautiful again..

My friends want me to go to acapulco with them this week!.. it sucks cause i really want to go cause i would have so much fun but I dont wanan go cause i wouldnt be able to fast, and i need this, i need to fast and work out like crazy and i need this to be myself again!..

It sucks cause everyone is there and i really wanna go, but then i would come back and still be fat and id rather die.. so im not going.. im staying here, im punishing myself for being such a fucking pig.. i have to learn my limits and to control myself if i ever want to be thin again..

So this is day 1 of fasting.. I burnt 530 calories at the gym and I will drink 2 liters of water.. today i cant even have coffee, only water!

Im sorry for being gone, i wont ever leave u again!.. I will write every day like I used to.. ur the only thing that keeps me sane.. i love u guys, dont leave me.. oh and mia can go to hell..

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

sometimes it hurts more to smile than to cry..


Im sorry for being gone for so long.. my friends asked me to try to stop blogging so i could get better, and i tried, but i feel lost without my blog, i feel lost without u.. i need this space..

Ive been eating this week.. not much, the only day I binged was sunday.. all the other days ive been eating less than 600 calories.. I dont like to eat, im doing it so my loved ones can stay calm, not for me.. My friends and family are really worried.. Im hurting them, so im really trying to get better for them.. But im not happy.. im miserable.. i feel huge and fat and disgusting..
i dont think ive gained much, maybe half a kilo.. but still i hate myself..

I dont want to gain weight.. I havent been getting my period, but i dont even care.. i dont want to get it cause i dont want to gain weight..

I went to the clinic today, they said i have to weigh at least 56 kilos.. i want to die.. right now i weigh like 50 kilos and i feel fat... id rather die than weigh 56.. there is no point in living if i have to live fat and hating myself.. i dont want to..

I convinced my nutritionist to let me take glucerna instead of ensure.. its the same thing only it has less calories cause it doesnt have sugar.. i try to avoid it most days but i usually cant..

I think my dad is getting sick of me.. i think he is tired of me being sick so he is starting to be a shitty dad again, which sucks cause for the first time in my life he was being nice to me but only cause he was worried..

My dad saw the cuts on my wrist and made me tell my doctor at the clinic.. he said that every day i give him more reasons to keep me in the clinic for good.. they also told me that if i lose eveb 100 grams this holidays they will lock me up in the clinic when i get back..

my head is a battlefield right now.. i know i have to gain weight cause if not they will put me in the clinic and i dont want to go to the clinic cause they will lock me up, detach me from the world and make me fat... but i dont want to gain any weight.. I DONT WANT TO. what do i do?

I have an appointment with my nutritionist tomorrow.. if i didnt gain weight she wont let me go on vacation.. a friend gave me some weights u wrap on ur feet.. each one weighs half a kilo.. im gonna wear them tomorrow at my appointment, i hope she doesnt catch me..

My feelings have not changed.. i still feel numb and dead inside, i still feel fat, i still hate myself, i still hate light and love darkness, i still want to sleep forever, etc... but ive been acting really well and ive been trying to fight and not let my life fall apart.. its so hard to live these days..
everybody says i look to skinny and sick.. why cant i see it? i only see fatness.. i havent been able to sleep the past week.. i feel dead.. i need help.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I have been fasting for 3 days.. I was planning on fasting forever, until today happened..

I went to the nutritionist and she said I didnt gain weight and that I need to gain weight.. she said she hasnt been very strict with me cause she thought i would gain the weight on my own, but i didnt so now things are going to change.. before, she gave me a menu for each week but i never really followed it and my parents didnt check it. For the last 2 weeks she also told me to drink a bottle of ensure every morning.. most mornings i could avoid it, others i drank half cause my stepmom watched me. Today my nutritionist called my dad and told him that he has to check my menu, and that somebody has to watch me eat, and that i have to drink 2 ensure bottles.. one in the morning and one at night.. each ensure bottle has 351 calories so 2 of them equals 702 calories plus food, which is more than i ever ever ever eat..

somebody help me.. i wanna die.. i really wanna die.. i dont want to live anymore if i have to be fat. I cant stand this life.. i want to die.

i have no idea what im going to do.. five minutes ago my dad brought me my ensure bottle and sat next to me until i finished it.. its the first time i drink the whole bottle.. what will i do? im gonna gain weight like crazy.. somebody help me.. i refuse to live if living means living like this.. ive been fasting for 3 days and i didnt lose weight, i just didnt gain.. now imagine if i eat and drink 2 ensure bottles every day.. ive never felt so miserable and helpless in my life.. i feel like a baby, people watching over me.. please someone tell me what to do.. i dont wanna gain weight.. id rather die.. why wont they leave me alone? why wont they understand how they are hurting me? why wont they understand this isnt a fisical problem, this is a mental ilness.. and until they fix my mind, i wont be able to eat and be happy... i will be miserable forever, if i dont kill myself first.. what am i supposed to do? just sit here and gain weight? seriously? how am i supposed to do that? please somebody help me? somebody tell me what to do?.. i wish i could escape my house, go somewhere else, live alone, own my life.. but i have nowhere else to go.. what will i do? i wanna die.. i dont want to live anymore.. its me against myself and the world.. how am i supposed to win? its my life, my body, it belongs to me, why dont they leave me alone.. please someone help me.. please.. i beg u god please help me.. save me from this hell.. i cant do this anymore.. i just cant.. i barely eat, i over excersize, i purge.. now what am i supposed to do if they take that away from me?.. i will be the fattest person ever.. i cant let that happen, because then all this fighting, this struggle, would be in vain.. i need an answer, i need a light.. god where are you? dont leave me alone with them, dont leave me alone with myself.. HELP ME

Monday, December 7, 2009

Im not starving myself, im perfecting my emptiness..

hey people..

i succesfully fasted through last week until the weekend arrived to ruin my life..

in a moment of weakness i decided that my new lifestyle would be to fast on week days and allow myself to eat on weekends.. well u can guess how that went..total disaster..
i obviously ate everything i didnt eat on my fast.. and i ate even more than that because i knew i was gonna fast again on monday.. stupid, stupid, stupid.

i know ive said this before but now i can truly say i have never had so much food in one day like i had yesterday.. i didnt even want the food, i just kept stuffing myself cause i knew i was gonna fast for 5 days again.. im such a fucking fat disgusting cow.

so this is the new lifestyle choice-

this is my new life plus burning at least 500 daily calories.. today i burnt 900.

i feel so disgusted with myself lately.. i dont want anyone to see me, i dont want to go out, get dressed, etc.. i want to hide from the world.. im to ugly to live in it.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I might die at any moment.. the tragedy is that I dont.

still fasting, still feeling fat, still dead inside.

the only thing that keeps me going is feeling empty inside..empty, foodless, and clean.

today i did my S.A.T. to get into university.. most of it went fine, but suddenly on the last section I started to feel really dizzy and weak, and i couldnt see well, and my hands were shacking, and i was sweating.. but i managed to finish the exam as well as i could..

i still dont feel good.. ive only been fasting for 4 days, ive fasted for a lot longer without feeling like this.. my body is against me..

today is one of my best friend's birthday and i have to go to a dinner party they are throwing for her.. i obviously wont eat anything cause im fasting, ill think of an excuse.. the problem is im to weak and dizzy to even get dressed..

i just got to the conclusion that fun is out of my life.. one option is to get fatter so i can have energy to go clubbing but hate myself and want to die of disgust, and the other option is to not eat and be thin and skinny and perfect and to love myself but to weak to go clubbing.. and i think im picking option 2, id rather be dead than fat.

I burnt 560 calories at the gym yesterday, today i couldnt go and i feel guilty.. I cant do this anymore, im rotting in my own hell.. i cant deal with this life anymore, i wanna sleep forever.. it hurts too much when im awake.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

My mind is a maze that drives me insane..

Im sorry for not posting.. i just dont feel like writing or doing anything.. i just couldnt bring myself to it..

i dont know what to do with myself anymore.. my thoughts are killing me, i wish i could just turn off my head for a second so there could be silence.. just for a second.

i cant keep fighting this war with myself, i dont even know which side im on.. i dont even know what im supposed to be fighting for.. this anxiety is driving me crazy.. somebody please stop the world, please! i feel like its turning and turning, and its going to fast, and im gonna fall off, and im dizzy.. and somebody please help me!

I hate the world, i hate this life, and mostly i hate myself.. i cand stand me.. how am i supposed to live with myself?.. how am i supposed to live like this? i dont want to see anyone, i dont wanna speak to anyone, i wish i could just hide in my room, under the covers, with the curtains closed, doors locked, lights off.. and i wish no one would bother me... i wish life would just fucking leave me alone for just one second.. its all im asking for.. i hate the day, i hate the light.. i hate looking at myself.. i hate having to wake up.. i hate having to answer the phone.. i hate smiling.. i hate acting like nothing is wrong.. i hate having to run to the bathroom and cry 100 times a day at unexpected moments and places.. i hate having to fix my make up 20 times.. i hate not knowing what im crying about.. i hate not knowing what is happening to me.. i hate every single thing about myself.. the only thing i love are the blood marks on my wrist that show how im bleeding on the inside.. how many until someone notices?

weight wise- i dont know how much i way, i dont have any scales i can trust, im currently on day 2 of fasting, im supposed to be taking ensure to gain weight and ive been avoiding it most days, ive been excersizing, im hoping to feel skinny someday.. wont eat until i do, or until someone forces food down my throat..

dig a hole, throw me inside, cover it with dirt, so light cant find me...