my way or no way

Oh my god... I cant believe its been over a month since i last posted.. I thought it was like 2 weeks or something.. this is crazy i lost track of time..

I wasnt posting but i would still check ur blogs everyday without fail.. I never disconnected, i just couldnt get myself to write..

This month has been awful.. i cant even put it into words.. im not even gonna try and tell u about it cause it would take forever and i dont even understand everything that has happened to me but its just so much stuff!

I fell into this enormous dark hole and stayed there for a month, and there was no way out, dirt kept falling on top and i really really wanted to die.. everything was just horrible, every aspect of my life, i couldnt find one little thing that gave me a reason to live.. i cant describe what i felt cause i dont think i was feeling anything.. i was just a piece of nothing, just a body taking up space, empty... i realized im this huge failure, ive never done anything in my whole life.. i suck at everything, and my family hates me, i hate me, and i dont wanna live in here, i hate it here, and i dont wan to study international relations i hate it, and i dont want this fat body, and i just fucking hated my life.. stuck, stuck, stuck... but finally i lost the weight! i lost it and i got back to 49.5 kilograms and that saved me!!!!! this past month i have been fasting from monday through friday and eating very little on weekends with my family..

I have no idea what happened but im tired of being everyone elses doormat.. im tired of being pittied, im tired of trying so hard to suck so people feel sorry for me and i can get their attention.. this is my last chance at life, and i decided that if i was gonna live it, i was gonna live it to the fullest.. i was actually going to do what i want to do, and study what i want to study, and fight for my dreams, and live the way i want to! And finally after years and years of fighting and struggling my dad is supporting me on this.. I dont know what made him help me stand up instead of kicking me to the floor, i dont know how and why he changed but he is not acting like my enemy anymore and actually supporting me..

He is actually paying for my modeling portfolio, finding acting and singing academies, moving his influences and using his name to get me to meet important people in the entertainment business which has always been my dream..

I decided that if im going to live i will LIVE!! i will have the life i wanted to have! whats the point in being someone u dont like? in doing something that makes u miserable? in just dreaming and doing nothing? in being mediocre?, whats the fucking point to be alive if it just sucks and it hurts and its boring and u hate it?

this is my last chance at life and i only want to live my way or no way..

It was passover this week and i could fast cause i had family luncheons and dinners so i gained like 4 pounds but im fasting again since sunday so im working on losing them again.. and im going down to 47 kilograms before this month ends..

oh i forgot to mention I left uni so i have nothing to do and my life is still a mess but im working on it.. im sorry i left u, im coming back..