Wednesday, August 19, 2009
All i can do is be me, whoever that is...
Here's the thing..
Lately I have been eating 650 calories max and even though I know it is not much, I still feel like a pig. I always feel I eat too much if its more than 400 calories, I have no idea why...
People tell me that if im only eating 650 cal I should be losing weight pretty fast but I don't feel im losing!.. Maybe its just my head messing with me cause I feel I eat too much..
I don't know how much I weigh cause my dad took away my scale.. Friday I will be going to the doctor and I will know my weight. Im scared.
Before summer started I weighed 55 kilos (122 lbs), and now that I got back home I feel like I'm the same weight and that really really sucks cause I need to lose 7 pounds urgently just to get to my first goal weight and feel like I can actually accomplish something in my life.
A little about me-
I have been in this on and off relationship with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. I think I love him cause I cause I want him in my life and I'm not used to him not being in it; but I dont feel what I felt for him once.. I dont feel anything lately..
He is the hottest guy in town (seriously) every fucking girl I know wants him, and even though I think we should be apart for a while to see if I really love him, I cant do it cause I would die if he would be with any other girl but me.. I am the only serious girlfriend he's had and I feel like he is mine, I want to be the only one always.. but I dont feel like he completes me, I want more. Selfish much?
I dont really have any friends.. I have been pushing them away for the past few months.. All I care about is being skinny and they cant stand the new me, the obsessive and anorexic me..
I think they're just jealous that I got skinny and instead of supporting me all they did was criticize me and make me feel like shit..
My family hates me.. its like im the black sheep..
My dad is never home, my stepmom is a bitch, my mom is a slut and she has a serious addiction to anti-depressants.. My sister is the nicest girl in the world but she eats and eats because she is suffering because my family sucks and her sister (me) is 3 years older and a lot skinnier than her.. Im scared cause she found my diet pills and she is noticing my anorexic habits.. I dont want her to follow my footsteps..
I am so fucking alone.. I dont even know why my boyfriend loves me, I have no one but him and I dont get why he would want a girl like me when he could have any girl..
I feel like im in this hole and I cant get out and its raining and im drowning and people are throwing dirt on me and I hate my fucking life... I hate it..
Im sorry for this post.. I'm really depressed and I needed to get it out..
On the bright side I'm not binging..
love u guys, sorry 4 this, sam.