Sunday, August 23, 2009
I dont care if it hurts, I wanna have control; I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul..
Today I had an amazing time!..
I spent the day with my friend, the one I told u about that just recovered from a near death anorexia experience..
We also went to a party and after that we went clubbing!.. Its been so long since I had so much fun on a saturday.. I just got home an hour ago.. (5:30 am)
I always go out clubbing on thursdays and saturdays with my ex-boyfriend (since today) but I guess he was so controling and jealous that every night always ended in a fight..
Today I ended my 3 year relationship with him and I actually feel good about it!.. Its like for the first time in so long I belong to myself!, I am my own person, and I am free to make my own decisions and do what I want!.. It feels great!
So my friend and I had an amazing girls night out!.
My friend has never lived like a regular teenager... Her ED ate her life up..
She is almost 18 and has never had a boyfriend cause she has spent her life in clinics and hospitals..
She is finally "recovered" and I am so excited to help her take over her life and enjoy it!.. She was so happy today cause guys liked her a lot, and danced with her. and were attracted to her even with here short hair!.. U have no idea how great this makes me feel!, to actually see her happy and smiling!..
I also wanted to talk to u guys cause I'm kinda scared..
I dont think she should be around me so soon.. I'm scared my conducts will draw her back into her problems.. She already noticed I dont eat and that I'm skinnier.. I am a really bad influence on her right now.. I hate myself, but I love ana and I dont wanna let go..
I noticed she feels insecure around me cause she was always thinner than me and now we are the same weight and stuff... I dont want to stop seeing her cause I love her and I missed her so much!.. But I would die if she would get sick again because of me!.. she almost died, she had hours to live!..
Im such a bad person..
On the bright side, I think I ate like 350 cals max today.. I want to wake up lighter!.. I also took some laxatives, I dont know why I did that.. Nothing is ever enough..
I love u guys,