Sunday, August 23, 2009

I dont care if it hurts, I wanna have control; I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul..

Hello people!..
Today I had an amazing time!..
I spent the day with my friend, the one I told u about that just recovered from a near death anorexia experience..
We also went to a party and after that we went clubbing!.. Its been so long since I had so much fun on a saturday.. I just got home an hour ago.. (5:30 am)
I always go out clubbing on thursdays and saturdays with my ex-boyfriend (since today) but I guess he was so controling and jealous that every night always ended in a fight..
Today I ended my 3 year relationship with him and I actually feel good about it!.. Its like for the first time in so long I belong to myself!, I am my own person, and I am free to make my own decisions and do what I want!.. It feels great!

So my friend and I had an amazing girls night out!.
My friend has never lived like a regular teenager... Her ED ate her life up..
She is almost 18 and has never had a boyfriend cause she has spent her life in clinics and hospitals..
She is finally "recovered" and I am so excited to help her take over her life and enjoy it!.. She was so happy today cause guys liked her a lot, and danced with her. and were attracted to her even with here short hair!.. U have no idea how great this makes me feel!, to actually see her happy and smiling!..

I also wanted to talk to u guys cause I'm kinda scared..
I dont think she should be around me so soon.. I'm scared my conducts will draw her back into her problems.. She already noticed I dont eat and that I'm skinnier.. I am a really bad influence on her right now.. I hate myself, but I love ana and I dont wanna let go..
I noticed she feels insecure around me cause she was always thinner than me and now we are the same weight and stuff... I dont want to stop seeing her cause I love her and I missed her so much!.. But I would die if she would get sick again because of me!.. she almost died, she had hours to live!..
Im such a bad person..

On the bright side, I think I ate like 350 cals max today.. I want to wake up lighter!.. I also took some laxatives, I dont know why I did that.. Nothing is ever enough..

I love u guys,

1 comment:

  1. Good for you for breaking up with your boyfriend and becoming your own person!!:) As for your friend, try to talk to her. Tell her that you still want to hang around her, but your scared your ed is going to bring her back down again. Maybe if shes aware of it, she'll fight harder to resist that happening.

    much love, hun. :)