Monday, August 31, 2009
This is who I'm not.
Im sorry I havent posted anything the last 4 days. I really didnt know what to write and I was kinda waiting for u guys to comment on my last post..
So summing up the past days highlights:
1.Friday I weighed myself and I had gained a kilo. I cried all day and locked myself in my room and died.. I promised myself that I would weigh less than 54 by wednesday...
2.Saturday I ate like 300 calories and went clubbing and danced it all off and more!
3.Sunday I ate like 400 calories and purged some..
4. Today I had like 350 calories and purged what I could, but then for dinner there was brie cheese with apricot jelly (hot from the oven) and some wine.. I cant resist to that, I love that dish and I love wine so I had some.. But then, thank god for mia, I ran to the bathroom and purged until nothing more came out.
What is happening to me is very strange and I dont accept it..
I never thought I would ever be Mia. I hate puking, its the worst feeling in the world, i completely despise it, and it disgusts me! I dont understand how I can do this, what happened to me? who am I? Does this make me stronger or weaker? I dont even know who I am anymore..
Today I read my Ana notebook from the start and I noticed a lot of changes and it scares me..
I started writing in it on May 26th 2009. On that date I weighed 63 kilos and my measurements were: chest-94, waist- 70, hips-100. (obese! i know). I ate 1000 cal and thought it was a small amount. I did lose weight because it was less than what I used to eat but then my body got used to it so I lowerd the amount to 900. Then I went to 800, 700, 600, 500, and now 400 is too much!.. How can it be that I eat less than 500 cal and I dont lose weight?? Im going crazy..
What scares me of this is that nothing will ever be enough. Every calorie counts!!
I guess this is the reason why Im purging.. because even though I only eat 400 calories or less I still feel its too much and I get paranoid and I dont want to gain so I have to take it out of my body!.. Im scared, this is not me.. who am I?..
And just to be clear, I would totally accept this new me if there were any results and I would be acually losing weight... but I dont feel like I am. I hate this, what do I have to do to be thin?, I want my bones to show, what do I have to do to get there? please someone tell me!!!
Today, August 31 2009, I weigh 54 kilos and my measurements are: chest-34 waist-25 hips 35.
My goal is to weigh 50 kilos. I need to lose these stubborn 4 kilos urgently and keep them off.. please help me, my body seems to be stuck.. i will only eat veggies and fruit..
Please comment.. everything helps!
peace. love. skinny