Monday, August 31, 2009

This is who I'm not.

Hello Beauties!

Im sorry I havent posted anything the last 4 days. I really didnt know what to write and I was kinda waiting for u guys to comment on my last post..
So summing up the past days highlights:
1.Friday I weighed myself and I had gained a kilo. I cried all day and locked myself in my room and died.. I promised myself that I would weigh less than 54 by wednesday...
2.Saturday I ate like 300 calories and went clubbing and danced it all off and more!
3.Sunday I ate like 400 calories and purged some..
4. Today I had like 350 calories and purged what I could, but then for dinner there was brie cheese with apricot jelly (hot from the oven) and some wine.. I cant resist to that, I love that dish and I love wine so I had some.. But then, thank god for mia, I ran to the bathroom and purged until nothing more came out.

What is happening to me is very strange and I dont accept it..
I never thought I would ever be Mia. I hate puking, its the worst feeling in the world, i completely despise it, and it disgusts me! I dont understand how I can do this, what happened to me? who am I? Does this make me stronger or weaker? I dont even know who I am anymore..

Today I read my Ana notebook from the start and I noticed a lot of changes and it scares me..
I started writing in it on May 26th 2009. On that date I weighed 63 kilos and my measurements were: chest-94, waist- 70, hips-100. (obese! i know). I ate 1000 cal and thought it was a small amount. I did lose weight because it was less than what I used to eat but then my body got used to it so I lowerd the amount to 900. Then I went to 800, 700, 600, 500, and now 400 is too much!.. How can it be that I eat less than 500 cal and I dont lose weight?? Im going crazy..
What scares me of this is that nothing will ever be enough. Every calorie counts!!
I guess this is the reason why Im purging.. because even though I only eat 400 calories or less I still feel its too much and I get paranoid and I dont want to gain so I have to take it out of my body!.. Im scared, this is not me.. who am I?..
And just to be clear, I would totally accept this new me if there were any results and I would be acually losing weight... but I dont feel like I am. I hate this, what do I have to do to be thin?, I want my bones to show, what do I have to do to get there? please someone tell me!!!
Today, August 31 2009, I weigh 54 kilos and my measurements are: chest-34 waist-25 hips 35.

My goal is to weigh 50 kilos. I need to lose these stubborn 4 kilos urgently and keep them off.. please help me, my body seems to be stuck.. i will only eat veggies and fruit..

Please comment.. everything helps!

peace. love. skinny


  1. oh, I did the same recently, I was reading through my book that i write and draw in, and I could see how much I've changed, I didn't used to be so involved, this wasn't such a big part of me, and now it controls me, my weight. it's sort of scary really.
    don't worry, I'm sure those 4 kilos will drop off you, your doing so well, stay strong.

  2. Stay strong since may you've lost 10 kg
    You can do 4 more. Don't freak out you can do this

    stay strong

  3. You're just hitting a plateau. No matter how much you have lost or how far you have come, if you keep focused and on track, the loss will happen. You have done amazing so far!
    And as for the purging, you'll either get used to it or stop. I was mia before I became ana, and now they basically come hand in hand. It's simply a new step you have taken.
    The one thing I've recently realized (you should read my "scary shit" blog post for details) is that I, much like you, became someone I'm not. The thing is, you can't let this control you. It's something you do, yes, but it doesn't have to be on your mind all the time. For me, it got to the point where I was having dreams about it. But since my "anapiphany", I've been much better off.
    Remember that you're doing this for you and if it were easy, everyone would be skinny.
    Stay strong, girlie!

  4. Hey there beautifull! So sorry 4 not commenting! I agree with wieghting to escape.. u just hit a platau.. i read somewhere that when that happens, u shud switch up and try to confuse ur body with different calorie intakes.. (so it never knows exactly how much it's gonna get).. like 800 one day, and then 500 the next.. this shud help... OMG ur ana turning to mia is like me all over again.. i dont want to scare u, but i think ur bodies trying to fite back with mia because its not getting the nutrition it needs.. maybe more vitamins or supplements cud also help that.. whoops wrote 2 much! Oh well, that's because i really do care and want to c my barbie succeed! Muah! Best of Luck!!! =)