Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Pretty smiles and make up hide so much these days...

Hello skinnies!

Ive been secretly fasting for 3 days! (no one knows but u guys).

I love everything about this!.. I love not eating, I love feeling empty, I love having a secret, I love that I dont want food, I love how my jeans fall off, I love feeling weak, I JUST LOVE THIS.

Again, I lied my way through day 3..

I told my family I was eating with a friend... I dont think they believed me cause my stepmom and my dad randomly called me to ask questions..(which restaurant did u go 2? with who? what did u eat?) I told them I went to this italian restaruant with my friend and that I ate a Capresse Salad.. Then my dad started yelling at me, he said he is worried, that i dont eat enough, that i should eat something else, etc etc.. But he perfectly knows I would never eat pizza or pasta, I had to say I ate something believable.. (if he only knew I had nothing)..
But whatever, I dont care..(I got away with it!)

News about my life
-Tomorrow I have my first appointment with a psychiatrist who specializes on eating disorders..
(my nutritionist succeded at washing my dad's head).
Normally, my dad wouldnt even notice my weight change, or my pale skin, or my lack of energy, or my sudden isolation from life, or my loss of friends, or my break up with my 3 year boyfriend, or my not-eating habits, etc etc.. My dad is a heart surgeon, so he is never around. And when he is, he is with his new wife, or doing something else that doesnt involve spending time with his two daughters.. The people who noticed my "problem" were: my sister, my stepmom, my ex, some friends, and my nutritionist... Most of them have been trying to get my dad to notice and do something about it...(well, as u can see, it finally worked). Even though I havent seen my nutritionist in like 2 weeks or so, she seems to be really worried.. She called me today to set an appointment for friday, she wants to know how much I weigh..

Im kinda nervous about going with that shrink tomorrow.. i dont know what to expect.. but on the bright side, my appointment is at 2:30 pm, so i wont be able to attend lunch with my family!!!!

-Im also depressed cause I know I wont be able to fast as long as I wish.. Not cause i cant take it, ofcourse I can take it.. its cause im completely out of excuses to avoid lunch and dinner!.. And now, with everybody checking on me 24/7, even the maids, its starting to become impossible!

I think I will be able to make it to sunday evening (7 days).. its kinda funny cause yom kipur (the most important jewish holiday, which involves fasting 27 hours) starts sunday night, and lasts until monday night.. I wanted to fast before it (which ive been doing), fast through it, and fast after it. But the problem is, that before the fast starts, there is a huge family dinner. I have no idea how to avoid it.. And if I do avoid it (which is impossible) then I wont be able to avoid the hugee family dinner that comes after the fast... (whats funny is that i will be forced to break my fast in order to start a new one haha) what do i do???

I hate this!!! Why do I have to eat?.. I wish I would live alone, and do what I want, and be free to make my own decisions about my life.. I actually dream about it!..
thats what sucks about being 17..
oh well.. im sorry if im boring u with my nonsense...
I promise to post quotes tomorrow!.. i love u, thanx 4 ur comments!

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