Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Here, alone, and lonely.

Still no tears...

I dont know why I want to cry so much, its like i need to cleanse myself...

I went to the doctor today.. She said I weighed 52.. I dont believe her.. I feel heavier..

She gave me this new eating plan.. it fucking sucks!!!!

she wants me to eat in a day what i eat in a week!

breakfast- fruit and cottage cheese

snack- cucumber

lunch-meat, chicken or fish and veggies and rice or bread!!

snack-granola bar

dinner-veggies an protein

I hate her!!! she said I wont gain weight with this.. she is a fucking liar!.. The only reason they are giving me this is to make me gain!!!

She also said I have somebody has to watch me eat at all times, I cant go out to eat with my friends, and I cant go clubbing for a month, and I cant excercise!! who the hell does she think she is?

Thank god my dad hasnt asked me to show him my eating plan.. If he doesnt make me show it to him then ill probably get away with eating less and going out...

I wish they would understand that there plan is not fucking working!.. the more they make me eat, the more I purge!.. they are making me worse.. what would u pick? an anorexic daughter or a bulimic daughter?.. (would it hurt if u realized that its ur fault she turned bulimic?)

I dont get what my life is lately..who I am, who I wanna be, who im supposed to be, etc..

I know nothing!.. The prozac is really clouding up and messing up my mind!..

I know im somewhere inside this skin.. I just cant find myself! I dont think im even looking for myself!.. The only thing I want is to disappear.. I want it so bad!.. I need the world to stop! I cant keep doing this!.. I cant keep acting like nothings wrong, when actually nothing is right!!! I cant keep living this life I hate, this life that is not even mine!.. this life that i dont even get..

I wish somebody would notice.. I wish somebody woukd look at me, really look at me and see through me!.. see through the bullshit, the lies, the acting, the fake smile.. and actually see the emptyness, the pain, the hate, the fear... and I wish they would just hug me.. just hold me for a while.. make me feel better.. even for a second..

I heard this song on the radio.. its called Bodies by Robbie Williams

U guys should listen to it.. I felt a connection..

Here is a part of it-

All we’ve ever wantedIs to look good naked

Hope that someone can take it

God save me rejection

From my reflection

I want perfection

I ate too much today.. puked twice and took some laxies.. hope I dont gain.. wish I would lose, but i know its not happening..

but im not letting go! not ever!.. someday I will make it!.. I promise!.. someday I will make it!

1 comment:

  1. I know what you mean, we can feel bad for eating say 500 calories, when really that is what someone without our problem eats for breakfast.
    I also want someone to see through the lies and bullshit, and see how much I hurt, and the emptyness. and just to try and understand.
    I hope you feel better soon.