id rather feel pain than nothing at all

Sometimes i just sit and wonder what the hell am I doing here... and if I would die today, what would I leave in this world, who would remember me?, what would they remember me by?, would they miss me?, who are they?..

Im sick and tired of being nothing, being no one.. just a waste of space, a ghost without a home..sometimes i wonder if i will ever have a home.. a place where i truly belong.. a place where im wanted..

i dont know what im supposed to do anymore.. im sick of waiting for life to happen.. a part of me wishes to belong, to be a part of something.. but another part of me knows that will never happen, that i will always stand out.. and sometimes standing out is not a good thing..

i hate this moment, this time.. i hate evreything about it.. im standing in the middle of 20 roads and i dont know which one to take.. what if i take the wrong one?..

im stuck in between who i was, who i am, who i want to be, and who im supposed to be... i have no idea which one is which..

if somebody could just please show me!!!.. help me!!.. tell me!! what do do, who to be!!..

sometimes i just stare at the mirror for hours and hours.. i just stare, trying to find myself.. sometimes i try to see inside me, sometimes i try to see what other see.. but i feel blind.. i dont see anything.. i look at the girl, i see her.. i hate her.. i know im somewhere inside her, lost, stuck, trapped...ive tried everything.. but i just cant seem to escape, to come out.. sometimes i feel im getting close.. when i dont eat for days, when i feel empty, i feel closer to her, to myself.. if they would just let me get to her!.. set her free!.. let me feel empty and weightless, and maybe i can find some peace tonight.. maybe i can sleep...

maybe god made a mistake and put me in the wrong, life, wrong time, wrong person.. maybe thats what i am, a mistake.. it would explain everything.. maybe if my heart stops beating it wont hurt so much.. maybe if my body would hurt as much as my soul i could feel connected to it.. i would feel i belonged inside here.. but i dont...

i dream of unzipping this skin.. of just leaving this stranger somewhere and fly!.. i wish my soul would come out to play and breathe!.. who am i, why am i here, where am i supposed to be?..

i feel fat.. i feel full.. i have been eating normally lately (like 600 or 700 cal).. i hate normality.. i havent written cause i dont feel i deserve too.. i dont feel ana.. im loooooost