Monday, October 5, 2009

I could cry, I really could cry right now. Fortunately or not, Im anesthesized by emotions I'm dying to feel.

So guess what?

Im oficially not underweight anymore.. at least I think so..

I dont know how much I weigh.. I dont even wanna know.. Im guessing 53 or so..

What I do know is that I got my period today.. I fucking hate this..

I know I should be glad cuz this means Im healthy.. but im kinda messed up.. I dont wanna be healthy.. I wanna be underweight!...

I was at my happiest last week.. I was empty and only 50 kilos.. My period was 2 weeks late, I was weak, I was cold, I was pale, I was beautiful... now im just the complete opposite..

Today I tried to fast but I was forced to eat lunch and dinner..

I hate this.. I hate my life.. They are making me misserable.. food makes me wanna die!!!

They are not helping me!.. I desperately need to fast!!!!!! i need it so baad it hurts!

My dad is going on a trip to Argentina on November 1st.. Its my only chance to fast.. I will fast through his whole trip!.. I need it to be november noooow!.. I dont know what ill do till then.. Every day I eat I feel like a total fat failure.. I dont know how to eat anymore.. anything is too much.. I dont even want fruit.. I feel like everything I eat makes me fatter and fatter...

Ive never felt this helpless and desperate!.. I feel like my life is falling apart..

There is nothing I want more than to feel weak and empty! I need my body to feel like my soul..

Besided my Anorexia.. My life sucks.. No guy takes me seriously, Im just a disposable barbie to them.. And the only guy that does is my ex boyfriend and he is the only guy that I dont want..

My family situation sucks.. There is nothing interesting in my life.. I want to escape from this skin.. from this moment.. I want to feel!!!!! I cant even cry.. I wish I could cry!.. Feel the tears pour down my face.. But they wont come out..

I need u guys more than ever.. I need reasons to hold on!.. I cant fall into normality!.. please dont let me go!


  1. You are one of the most motivated, headstrong proana bloggers I have on my list. I wish I was more like you. I look up to you, envy your strength.
    When I get down and there's no thinspo in the world that could get me back on track, I enjoy reading. Usually pretty dark stuff. Not gothic or romantic stuff - I hate that shit. But poems about society and how, in the end, we're all fucked. (So optimistic, right? haha)
    I'd start with some Allen Ginsberg. He's my favorite. His most famous is Howl. Here's a link to read it online:
    Don't know if you're into poetry, but I suggest you give it a try. It's beat poetry, so it's free verse and usually controversial. If you like it, I'll send you some other poets :)
    Good luck. I know you can do this!

  2. I suppose I feel the same. I want to go back to how it was. the cold, the dizzyness, the weakness. at least then I knew I was getting it right.
    I agree with the above comment.
    you are one of the strongest, most thinspirational people on here.
    I know you can pull yourself out of this, as stuck as you feel.
    I know you can do it,
    I hope you feel better soon.