So guess what?
Im oficially not underweight anymore.. at least I think so..
I dont know how much I weigh.. I dont even wanna know.. Im guessing 53 or so..
What I do know is that I got my period today.. I fucking hate this..
I know I should be glad cuz this means Im healthy.. but im kinda messed up.. I dont wanna be healthy.. I wanna be underweight!...
I was at my happiest last week.. I was empty and only 50 kilos.. My period was 2 weeks late, I was weak, I was cold, I was pale, I was beautiful... now im just the complete opposite..
Today I tried to fast but I was forced to eat lunch and dinner..
I hate this.. I hate my life.. They are making me misserable.. food makes me wanna die!!!
They are not helping me!.. I desperately need to fast!!!!!! i need it so baad it hurts!
My dad is going on a trip to Argentina on November 1st.. Its my only chance to fast.. I will fast through his whole trip!.. I need it to be november noooow!.. I dont know what ill do till then.. Every day I eat I feel like a total fat failure.. I dont know how to eat anymore.. anything is too much.. I dont even want fruit.. I feel like everything I eat makes me fatter and fatter...
Ive never felt this helpless and desperate!.. I feel like my life is falling apart..
There is nothing I want more than to feel weak and empty! I need my body to feel like my soul..
Besided my Anorexia.. My life sucks.. No guy takes me seriously, Im just a disposable barbie to them.. And the only guy that does is my ex boyfriend and he is the only guy that I dont want..
My family situation sucks.. There is nothing interesting in my life.. I want to escape from this skin.. from this moment.. I want to feel!!!!! I cant even cry.. I wish I could cry!.. Feel the tears pour down my face.. But they wont come out..
I need u guys more than ever.. I need reasons to hold on!.. I cant fall into normality!.. please dont let me go!