Tuesday, October 13, 2009

There is nobody here but me and my reflection.. I dont know which I hate the most..

Hello people!..

Ive got no interesting news for u.. nothing has changed..

my self hatred wont go away.. and the disgust when i look at the mirror is making me crazy..

I dont even have to look at the mirror to see the fat anymore..I just feel it..

I dotn know how much I weigh.. Im praying its not more than 54..

Its so hard to avoid eating when everyone is forcing u to do it..

Im supposed to follow the diet plan that the doctor at the clinic gave me.. I added up the calories and its like 1000.. she is fucking crazy.. Im also supposed to write down everything I eat, the time, with who, and what I felt when I ate.. Im obviously lying like crazy.. the good thing is my parents arent checking it.. I didnt tell thema about it..

My stepomom is kinda stupid.. she gives me my breakfast to go instead of making me sit down and eat it infront of her.. ofcourse i throw it away the minute I leave..

Lunch is the only thing that is impossible to avoid.. but Ive been managing to eat only veggies, soup, and sometimes fish.. i wont eat meat or chicken..

Then I puke what I can..

I try to avoid dinner but if I cant then I puke again and take laxies..

Im also hitting the gym.. I hate working out but I have to start doing it if I wanna lose.. Im starting with one hour a day and then Ill do more.. its kinda hard when u dont eat..

I have this rule that I only eat what they make me eat.. There is only one thing I allow myself to eat and its sugar-free light jello.. I think it only has 10 cals..

I hate being a bulimic.. I fucking hate it.. But its the only choice ive got right now..

I decided I wont let them win.. there is no way in hell that i will get fat.. i wont allow it.. they can do whatever they want to me but im not getting fatter..

Tomorrow I will weigh myself.. Im so fucking scared.. god help me!

todays food-

-1 sugar free light jello

-2 tiny cubes of melon

-1 plate of broccoli

-1 plate of vegtebale soup

-1 artichoke (ill try to avoid it)

-1 sugarfree light jello

-2 liters of water

-coffee and tea

then purging until im empty

1 comment:

  1. Heyyyyy,, hang in there barbie..!

    I really admire your strength, and how your not giving up.

    Take care, stay strong, despite the odds. Ur amazing...