No apologies, no excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame..

Hey girlies!..

Im sorry for not posting as much as I did.. I just dont feel I deserve too.

Last week was total failure! I ate like a pig! like a pig fat pig!.. I only ate veggies, protein, fruit, and very little carbs.. but I ate a looooooot of all that stuff..

I weighed myself on monday and the scale said 53.5.. Ive been going crazy since then..

Over excersicing, trying to eat less, taking laxies...

I havent weighed myself since then.. im too scared!.. im so afraid of the number 54..

53 I can take, its still kinda safe.. but if I get to 54 I am literally killing myself.. PERIOD.

Ive been burning at least 500 calories every day, sometimes 600, yesterday I burnt 1110..

and also ive been doing one hour of pilates every day.. what i dont fucking get is why am i still not fucking skinny.. im sorry but im really really frustrated and mad!.. i dont get it!.

I havent been eating more than 500 calores, maximum 600 (cause ive been forced to eat) but ive been burning them off.. so somebody please tell me what is happening!!!!!

Today Im going to Monterrey to visit one of my best friends.. I already told u about her.. she is the one that was hours from death in a hospital bed weighing only 24 kilos..

thank god, she is now healthy weighing 53 kilos I think.. I know we are going to have an amazing time together but I feel fat when im around her.. even though im not, cause we are the same weight and im taller; i feel like im a failiure cause she made it and i didnt.. obviously my goal isnt death.. its just to be thin and empty and perfect.. why cant i get their?..

im also stressed cause i wont be able to go to the gym until monday night, and her parents will make us eat a lot this weekend!.. Im really, really, really scared of gaining more weight!.. god please help me!.. please keep that 54 away from me!!! omg i dont know what to do..

Im going to this delicious new restaurant right now with my ex-boyfriend.. i hate going to yummy restaurants cause i wanna order everything and i cant.. and usually i give in.. and if i dont, then im in a bad anxy mood all day.. ugh i hate my life.. i hate myself!.. somebody kill me..

talk to u guys on monday..