Sunday, October 18, 2009

No one to lean on, rely on, or blame..


I dont know whats happening to me!.. IM HUNGRY!..ALL THE TIME!..

I havent been avoiding food.. only breakfast!... whats weird is I look forward to lunch and dinner.. I dont despise it anymore like I used to.. im scared of this..

I believe its cause Ive been excersizing every day!.. even weekends.. Ive been burning at least 500 calories daily and pilates every other day.. working out is making me eat.. at least i think im not gaining cause of the excersize but still.. im not really losing..

My parents are leaving on a trip to argentina for a week on november 1st.. i cant wait for them to leave.. im gonna fast all week.. but I dont know what to do till then.. I hate feeling fat.. even though I weigh 52 kilos.. I just wish Im under 50.. I neeed it!..

What sucks the most is that people are starting to tell me that I look better.. that I look healthier.. which means Im fatter!!!!!.. which means i dont look sick anymore.. and i know im kinda messed up but i really wanna look sick.. not just look sick.. i wanna be sick.. i wanna be pale, and empty, and i want my bones to show.. help me..

I dont know how to have food infront of me and not eat.. I dont know how to only have one..

I know I promised I would stop purging... im sorry but i let u down today..

I haaad to puke dinner.. For the last week ive been surviving mostly on vegetables and fish.. Its the only thing I allow myself to eat.. also some sauces and dressings.. and I dont know why I feel so fat after I eat.. I dont get it!.. I feel like I ate Ice cream and cake when I just ate veggies!.. this is what happened to me today and I had to run to the bathroom and puke.. and im thinking of taking some laxies.. im sorry.

I dont feel anorexic anymore.. I dont feel like I belong here anymore.. I feel like a total failure.. someone please remind me how my lifestyle should be like.. please! I need u now more than ever!

1 comment:

  1. I think the reason you feel so feel after you eat, even though fish and veggies are low-cal, is due to the veggies - they have a lot of water (which is part of why they are low-cal), but it makes you feel really full. So if you're eating lots of veggies at every meal, then you will probably feel kind of bloated afterward - I actually like the feeling because I am "full" but there are so few calories that I don't get that weak feeling later on. Hope that helps! -TOIC