i hate birthdays and parties and cake..

I took a laxative cocktail last night.. i literally drank an entire bottle of i dont know what medicine and took like 4 pills.. Ive been going to the bathroom every 20 minutes since 10 am today non-stop... i feel like i gave birth to triplets, like i lost weight.. thats the good news of the day..

the bad news is that i went to this thai delicious restaurant with my dad's family and ate a looot!

shrimp, chicken, fish, some bread, and chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream!!!! oh and i also had fruit and caramel popcorn... eewwww!.. i havent weighed myself since thursday when i was 50.2 kilograms and i have been eating too much since then so im really scared of weighinhg myself.. im sure i gained a kilo.. i can see it in the mirror.. fuck!.. also i didnt work out today or yesterday..

MY BIRTHDAY IS IN HALF AN HOUR.. MY 18TH BIRTHDAY.. and im scared..

im scared of weighing myself and ruining my day... im scared of my birthday party and the food involved, im scared of my birthday cake.. im scared of my anorexic thoughts ruining my 18th birthday.. i wish that only for this day i could be happy and eat without one single guilty thought.. i tried to do that today and it didnt work.. i feel guilty and fat as hell.. what a sad world we live in.. the worst part is i already know im gonna eat a lot.. im not even planning on avoiding or restricting cause everyone is doing this for me and i dont know why i want it.. how can my body be thin if i have a fat person's cravings and binges.. the other worst part is that i just want the day to end, i just want to get it over with so i can start clean on tuesday and lose the weight..

Oh i also forgot to tell u i bought these pills they are called xenical and they are supposed to stop ur body from absorbing 1/3 of the fat u eat... its supposed to work.. lets see..

ill let u know how the bday turned out.. i love u guys