Now that ive given up hope, i feel much better..

Hey there!

So my 18th birthday was yesterday and I had a wonderful time with my closest family and friends... I got lots of presents and my bestest friend made me a letter that was 18 pages long!.. i love her!.. it was the best present anyone ever gave me... it made my day.. i love u lisa..

Now, about food...the day was a total disaster.. i can actually truly say i have never ever ever had so much food in one single day.. i think i ate like 1800 calories.. i had like 5 pieces of cake, plus breakfast, lunch, and dinner... DISGUSTING.. i did burn 750 calories at the gym yesterday..

Ive been craving a bowl of cereal for months now.. i know it may sound stupid to most of u, but ive really been dying for a bowl of cereal with milk and there was no way i would eat it.. i couldnt bring myself to it.. i dont know why im so terrified of carbs and milk.. anyway, so last night when i got home and realized how much of a distaster the day was (calorie wise) i decided i would eat my bowl of cereal and just get it over it, cause there was no way in hell that i could feel guiltier.. and now that i did it, i feel so much better! i had it all and more, and today i could start cleansing my body again... so today i fasted and burnt 800 calories at the gym, and im planning on fasting tomorrow too.. oh and i forgot to tell u that i weighed myself and im currently at 50.7 kilograms which means i gained a kilo, but im working on losing it now..

u know what the worst part of having this eating disorder is?.. that i used to dream of weighing what i weigh now, and now that i weight this, i feel fat cause ive been a kilo thinner.. when will my mind understand that 50 kilos is NOT FAT.. when will it ever be enough? ugggghhhhh..

I found this survey on "Behind the Fat" blog and i answered it, u guys should do it too..

Size: 4
Age: 18

Highest Weight: 63 kilos (138 lbs)

Lowest Weight: 49.8 kilos (109.7 lbs)

Goal Weight: when i like myself..

Favorite Diet Food? tea, vegetables, fruit, low cal products..

Favorite Binge Food? chocolate, ice cream, and i usually binge on low cal food..

Favorite Exercise? dancing, pilates

Thinspo? lindsay lohan, alessandra ambrosio, cassie from skins

What Makes You Slip Up? anxiety, stress, cravings...

What Makes You Strong? fasts, willpower, self-hatred..

When Did It Start? im not sure..

Does Anyone Know? everyone..

Do You Want Help? a part of me does, a part of me doesnt..

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? from zero to 600..

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? somebody else

Are You In A Relationship? kinda

Is It For Attention? maybe

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? thin

Are You Depressed? yes

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? no

Ever Been To A Psychologist? yes

Are You On Any Medication? prozac

I AM -

[x] anorexic

[ ] ednos

[x] bulimic

[x ] living off diet pills

[x] hungry

(x] thirsty

[] drinking something

[ ] eating something

[ ] under 100lbs

[x] starving myself

[x] participating in a fast

[ ] vegan

[x] people ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic

[ ] call me fat

[x] say I’m skinny

[] say I’m ugly

[x] say I’m pretty

[x] spread rumors about me

[x] force me to eat

[] say I eat too much

[x] wish I’d eat more

[] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic

[x] have tried to stop me

I WISH -

[] I was thin

[x] I had a better body

[x] I didn't have to eat

[x] I could control myself

[x] I was under 110lbs

[x] I could avoid food

[] I could hide what I am

[] I wasn’t fat

[x] I was prettier

[x) I could stop being ana/mia

[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend

[x] I could disappear

I LOVE -

[x] feeling hungry

[x] seeing a difference

[ ] shaking
(x] being weak (but strong at the same time)

[x] losing weight

[ ] being anorexic/bulimic

[] green tea

[x] diet pills

(x] being able to turn down food

[x] feeling good about myself

I HATE -

[ ] when people stare

[x] being asked questions

[x] having to eat

[ ] being single

[] wearing short skirts

[x] being fat

[x] looking ugly

[x] feeling this way

[x] fat people

I NEED -

[x] more support

[x] people to stay out of my business

[x] more friends

[ ] someone to know

[x] less food

[] more water

[] a gym membership

[ ] to lose 50 lbs

[] to lose 30 lbs

[ ] to lose 10 lbs

appointment at the clinic tomorrow.. let u know.. love u guys