Trapped inside my own head, wishing to be anyone else but me..

Im sorry for not posting the past days.. my week hasnt been that good and i just didnt feel like writing anything..

My digestive system hates me, ive been constipated for the last 5 days.. (true).. im dying!

my stomach hurts and im bloated and i dont even want to weigh myself cause im so scared of my weight.. Also, i have been eating a little more than i should, like 600 cal.. My dad gave me this super strong laxative that is supposed to cleanse my intestines completely in the next 6 hours.

Thursday i burnt 1000 calories at the gym, friday i burnt 500, amd today i didnt work out.. I had an appointment with my dad and my doctors at the clinic and they told me that if i didnt gain weight this week i was going to have severe consecuences.. i hate them..

Do u guys wanna hear something really sad?.. My 18th birthday is in two days and instead of being exited, im in a bad mood and nervous because of all the food... Tomorrow my dad is taking me to this new thai restaurant for lunch with his family, and monday my mom is throwing me a party in the day and my boyfriend is taking me to dinner.. FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!!..

I told my family i dont want any cake and they all started yelling at me, they said "its ur bday, u have to eat cake"..i wanted my bday to be a good day.. i guess it will just end up like any other crappy day when i purge and feel guilty..

I know im gonna eat a lot tomorrow at that restaurant and im already in a bad mood.. i just dont know how to control myself when i eat.. FUCK CAKE, FUCK FOOD, FUCK BIRTHDAYS...