I lie awake in bed wishing I was dead.

aaghhhh!!!! right now i feel so bloated and disgusted with myself!.. i feel faaaaat!

so today i had to eat solid food!.. my dad and my stepmom noticed im too skiny and my dad called the clinic and everyone is so worried and they had to see me eat.. so i ate some soup and some veggies.. then i got home and i had some artichoke and cheese dip!.. i dont know why i did that, i have no idea.. my willpower was perfect! i really did not want food.. i knew this would happen the moment i put something solid in my mouth.. ugh i fucking hate myself im a fucking failiure.. ive been the same weight for 3 days in a row, 49.9 kilograms.. and then i weighed myself a while ago and i weigh 50.. maybe its the food and the liquids but please pray that im still 49.9 tomorrow.. i wanna die!!!!!!!!!

i wanna start another semi fast for the weekend but i dont know if i will be able to get away with it with everyone watching me and pressuring me.. I WILL ONLY EAT WHEN IM FORCED TO AND WHAT IM FORCED TO.. PERIOD.. im not believing myself.. something is telling me i dont have the strength.. my own mind is telling me im a failiure already....

aghhh my stomach is growling and i feel sick and dirty inside and i dont feel thin anymore.. even though im only 50 kilos y dont feel thin!.. please tell me im thin!.. PLEASE!..

I dont know what happened but i dont wanna put on bikinis anymore.. im disgusted from myself..

tomorrow is a new day, a new start!.. ill try to fast I WILL NOT FAIL.. im so scared of gaining all the weight i lost.. im so scared.. god help me.. my stomach is bloated already..

if i cant fast then i the only things i can eat are soup, yogurt, and if i have to ill eat veggies but i really dont want to!.. I WANNA DIE!.. I WISH I COULD JUST DIE RIGHT NOW, AT LEAST I WOULD DIE THIN AND PERFECT.. ID RATHER DIE THAN GAIN THE WEIGHT BACK.. I WANNA KILL MYSELF..

im sorry for being such a failiure.. im sorry if i disappointed u.. IM SORRY FOR BEING A FUCKING LOSER..