save me from myself..

Hello!

Im sorry for not posting all weekend but i was out of town with my family and had no computers... I spent a lot of time with my sister and my cousins, and all they do is EAT..and they dont just eat, they binge and they only eat delicious fattening food.. (and thats why they are fat). And i dont know what happened to me or what got into me but this weekend, all i did was stuff my body with everything and anything around.. first i started binging with the healthy stuff, fruits and veggies.. then when i finished that i moved on to yogurt and low fat cheese, then i moved on to popcorn, then chips, then cookies, etc etc etc

Friday I weighed 50.2 kilograms... im gonna weigh myself tomorrow, im sure i gained something but i dont know how much.. I took as many laxies as i could and right now i think i did something to my stomach cause im dying of pain..

I cant deal with this anymore..this starve and binge cycle, its killing me.. this anxiety i only know how to stop it when i starve.. u can call it anorexia, u can call it bulimia.. but in the end i have an eating disorder, i dont care which one.. I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO EAT NORMALLY.. i just know how to starve and how to binge.. im only happy when im starving.. the moment i put something in my mouth, anything, i already feel im a failiure, i already feel dirty inside, i already feel fat.. I dream of the day i can eat a piece of fruit without feeling guilty..

And also there is something wrong going on with my brain.. i kinda believe the only way i can lose weight is by fasting.. if i eat a piece of anything then my brain automatically believes im not gonna lose any weight so i keep on eating..

aaaaggghhhhhh somebody please help me! please, i cant live like this.. i cant fucking deal with my thoughts.. i just wish i could turn my mind off just for one second.. i wish that just for one second i wouldnt be thinking of calories, or weight, or food.. i wish i could be free of this torture!.. my whole life revolves around food.. my days are planned based on how to avoid food, what to do to avoid lunch, etc etc.. i only go to places that have light food, ive stopped going to the movies cause the smell of popcorn makes me cry cause i want it so bad and i cant have it.. i cant sleep because what i ate tortures me all night, i cant sleep thinking about what i can eat tomorrow, i cant sleep cause im too busy dreaming of someday.. someday when ill look in the mirror and smile..

i am going out of my fucking mind, i am frustrated, i am my own enemy, i am in this war against my own self and i dont know which side im on..

and the worst part is: id rather live tortured and skinny, than free and fat.. how sad.. how empty can someone be?

S.O.S.