Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I sit here and starve because the pain of being hungry is the one kind of pain I can control.

Fast day 2

Hey beauties!
Day 2 of fasting completed!.. today was harder than yesterday.. i went to the gym and i could only burn 200 calories on the elliptical cause i started feeling lightheaded.. i did some weights and went to the tanning bed.. (the tanning bed is great, i think i would look really sick without it).. i also weighed myself and im 51.2 kilograms! is it possible to lose 1 kilo in one day?..

I was really tired today, and really cold.. also i couldnt concentrate well, my mind was somewhere else.. i had a lot of cravings today but i was strong and stayed away from food.. i dont know why i just couldnt stop thinking about delicious flavors.. I hate this because right now if i ate a chocolate bar or an icecream i wouldnt gain weight because i havent eaten anything else, but i wont do it cause then i feel like a failiure..I slept all day and that saved me from caving.. I only had 2 diet sprites,1 light jell-o, 2 bottles of water, 1 weird oreo and vanilla flavored frappe tea made with water and splenda.. im kinda scared cause it was too good to be only tea.. the lady said it wasnt fattening at all.. i hope so..

I like this feeling of emptyness, of frailness.. i still dont feel thin.. i dont get whats wrong with me.. im still wearing really baggy pants and a loose shirt cause im scared of looking fat.. am i fucked up or what? i mean come one i weigh like 112 lbs.. maybe tomorrow i will feel thinner.. ill try to put on some leggings without being scared..

I wish i could live like this forever.. i wish i could fast forever, or at least only eat one thing a day.. the fact that my parents are comming back on sunday and i will have to eat normally again is killing me.. i dont know how i will handle it.. i only know how to control myself when i dont eat anything.. if i eat something then i eat it all.. im scared of gaining all the weight im losing.. why isnt it possible to eat and stay this weight? im not talking about eating like a pig, just how much can i eat and stay this way?

I hope tomorrow is a better day, i hope its easier to get through.. im gonna drink a red bull maybe that will help with the weakness.. im also scared cause i have to go to the nutritionist and the psychiatrist tomorrow and lie to them about what ive been eating and find an excuse to tell the nutritionist about my sudden weight loss.. im scared that she will force feed me or call my parents.. god help me.

Im also really glad i told my friend about this.. it brought us a lot closer together.. its like we are one person now.. for the first time in my life i dont feel alone.. its hard letting someone in when life has taught u to wear masks and build walls against people.. im still getting used to having someone who cares about me.. i think im starting to take care of myself a little more than i used to cause now i have someone that loves me and it would hurt her if something happened to me..
when u have no one its easier to let go and stop fighting..

2 days of fasting and still not happy, still not thin enough.. maybe tomorrow i will like myself, maybe the day after that, maybe 2 kilos less,...maybe when i die.
love u, i hope u guys are doing better than me..

1 comment:

  1. im on a fast too, today is my sorta-first day
    today all ive had is water and iced tea zero
    i totally know what you mean about the all or nothing thing. if i have a little food, i want it all.
    good thing ive stocked up on zero calorie drinks and organic juices! i'll need and want them!