Fast day 1
The day went smoothly!.. I avoided food at all costs, even the thought of food.. I did drink too many liquids.. 1 bottle of water, 3 diet cokes, 2 teas, 1 coffee.. i feel bloated as hell right now.. i feel like i ate a cow when i didnt eat anything... well i did eat some light jell-o right now but it doesnt count as food..
I weighed myself today.. 52.2 kilograms. Im happy cause its more than a kilo less than last week, but its still not 50.. Im kinda disappointed in myself cause I only burnt 100 calories at the gym today.. only ten minutes of cardio and an hour of pilates.. i dont know why i didnt do more cardio.. i never allow myself to burn under 500 calories.. i will try to do better tomorrow..
Today, I opened my heart out completly to my best friend.. I SHOWED HER MY BLOG..
No one even knew about the existence of this blog.. I had never told anyone about it.. It was my deepest darkest secret.. She knows everything else about me.. everything!.. she is more than a sister to me.. she is like part of me.. it didnt feel right to hide this from her, when its one of the most important parts of my life.. She also read ur comments, she said it was amazing how people i dont even know support me.. she said u guys are sweethearts..
It was really hard.. i was scared of her reaction.. what i right here scares me when i read it after.. even though she said it didnt scare her and that she understands me, i know she doesnt.. i know she was kinda freaked out, i could see it on her face.. i hope this doesnt change things between us.. she knows i have an eating disorder, but this is different, what i write here is different.. its a part of me she didnt know..
Im scared of losing her.. she is the only thing i have, the only person that knows me, the only person that cares for me, the only person that loves me, the only person that i love... but i believe that if we are truly as close as we think we are, then this will not break us, it will only pull us closer together... I LOVE YOU L.
Even though I still dont feel empty or pure, I did feel calmer today.. For the first time in months i felt free.. free of food tormenting my day and night.. i could actually think of something else that wasnt calories.. its funny how i only feel normal when i dont eat.. its the only time my mind is sane.. LET ME BE EMPTY AND WEIGHTLESS AND MAYBE ILL FIND PEACE TONIGHT..
This didnt change much.. I STILL HATE MYSELF, I STILL WANNA BE ANYONE BUT ME.. I STILL WANT TO DIE.. WILL THIS EVER GO AWAY?