Tuesday, December 1, 2009

My mind is a maze that drives me insane..


Im sorry for not posting.. i just dont feel like writing or doing anything.. i just couldnt bring myself to it..

i dont know what to do with myself anymore.. my thoughts are killing me, i wish i could just turn off my head for a second so there could be silence.. just for a second.

i cant keep fighting this war with myself, i dont even know which side im on.. i dont even know what im supposed to be fighting for.. this anxiety is driving me crazy.. somebody please stop the world, please! i feel like its turning and turning, and its going to fast, and im gonna fall off, and im dizzy.. and somebody please help me!

I hate the world, i hate this life, and mostly i hate myself.. i cand stand me.. how am i supposed to live with myself?.. how am i supposed to live like this? i dont want to see anyone, i dont wanna speak to anyone, i wish i could just hide in my room, under the covers, with the curtains closed, doors locked, lights off.. and i wish no one would bother me... i wish life would just fucking leave me alone for just one second.. its all im asking for.. i hate the day, i hate the light.. i hate looking at myself.. i hate having to wake up.. i hate having to answer the phone.. i hate smiling.. i hate acting like nothing is wrong.. i hate having to run to the bathroom and cry 100 times a day at unexpected moments and places.. i hate having to fix my make up 20 times.. i hate not knowing what im crying about.. i hate not knowing what is happening to me.. i hate every single thing about myself.. the only thing i love are the blood marks on my wrist that show how im bleeding on the inside.. how many until someone notices?

weight wise- i dont know how much i way, i dont have any scales i can trust, im currently on day 2 of fasting, im supposed to be taking ensure to gain weight and ive been avoiding it most days, ive been excersizing, im hoping to feel skinny someday.. wont eat until i do, or until someone forces food down my throat..

dig a hole, throw me inside, cover it with dirt, so light cant find me...

4 comments:

  1. It gets tough sometimes. Really tough. Just remember that once you push past the aches, pains, and hunger, it will all feel alright.
    I just takes time.
    When I'm fasting I get super super depressed and bitchy.
    But after a week or so, after I've battled it out, I'm fine.

    Stay strong!!
    xx

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  2. I feel exactly the same.
    I'm so fucking fed up of everything right now.
    I don't know what to do.
    we can do this. x

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  3. THE WHOLE WORLD IS FUCKED UP...
    WE HAVE TO BE STRONG..

    U CAN DO IT SAM..
    XOXO

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  4. U can do it ! Not eating messes with your brain chemistry and depletes nutrients from your body. Take supplements, daily vitamins, omega 3's etc., so that your hair and skin stay healthy. When I take vitamins and fast, I don't get depressed. You can't enjoy the feeling of losing weight when you're depressed. You're doing great, I totally envy your resolve!

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