Im sorry for not posting.. i just dont feel like writing or doing anything.. i just couldnt bring myself to it..
i dont know what to do with myself anymore.. my thoughts are killing me, i wish i could just turn off my head for a second so there could be silence.. just for a second.
i cant keep fighting this war with myself, i dont even know which side im on.. i dont even know what im supposed to be fighting for.. this anxiety is driving me crazy.. somebody please stop the world, please! i feel like its turning and turning, and its going to fast, and im gonna fall off, and im dizzy.. and somebody please help me!
I hate the world, i hate this life, and mostly i hate myself.. i cand stand me.. how am i supposed to live with myself?.. how am i supposed to live like this? i dont want to see anyone, i dont wanna speak to anyone, i wish i could just hide in my room, under the covers, with the curtains closed, doors locked, lights off.. and i wish no one would bother me... i wish life would just fucking leave me alone for just one second.. its all im asking for.. i hate the day, i hate the light.. i hate looking at myself.. i hate having to wake up.. i hate having to answer the phone.. i hate smiling.. i hate acting like nothing is wrong.. i hate having to run to the bathroom and cry 100 times a day at unexpected moments and places.. i hate having to fix my make up 20 times.. i hate not knowing what im crying about.. i hate not knowing what is happening to me.. i hate every single thing about myself.. the only thing i love are the blood marks on my wrist that show how im bleeding on the inside.. how many until someone notices?
weight wise- i dont know how much i way, i dont have any scales i can trust, im currently on day 2 of fasting, im supposed to be taking ensure to gain weight and ive been avoiding it most days, ive been excersizing, im hoping to feel skinny someday.. wont eat until i do, or until someone forces food down my throat..
dig a hole, throw me inside, cover it with dirt, so light cant find me...