Tuesday, December 1, 2009

My mind is a maze that drives me insane..

Im sorry for not posting.. i just dont feel like writing or doing anything.. i just couldnt bring myself to it..

i dont know what to do with myself anymore.. my thoughts are killing me, i wish i could just turn off my head for a second so there could be silence.. just for a second.

i cant keep fighting this war with myself, i dont even know which side im on.. i dont even know what im supposed to be fighting for.. this anxiety is driving me crazy.. somebody please stop the world, please! i feel like its turning and turning, and its going to fast, and im gonna fall off, and im dizzy.. and somebody please help me!

I hate the world, i hate this life, and mostly i hate myself.. i cand stand me.. how am i supposed to live with myself?.. how am i supposed to live like this? i dont want to see anyone, i dont wanna speak to anyone, i wish i could just hide in my room, under the covers, with the curtains closed, doors locked, lights off.. and i wish no one would bother me... i wish life would just fucking leave me alone for just one second.. its all im asking for.. i hate the day, i hate the light.. i hate looking at myself.. i hate having to wake up.. i hate having to answer the phone.. i hate smiling.. i hate acting like nothing is wrong.. i hate having to run to the bathroom and cry 100 times a day at unexpected moments and places.. i hate having to fix my make up 20 times.. i hate not knowing what im crying about.. i hate not knowing what is happening to me.. i hate every single thing about myself.. the only thing i love are the blood marks on my wrist that show how im bleeding on the inside.. how many until someone notices?

weight wise- i dont know how much i way, i dont have any scales i can trust, im currently on day 2 of fasting, im supposed to be taking ensure to gain weight and ive been avoiding it most days, ive been excersizing, im hoping to feel skinny someday.. wont eat until i do, or until someone forces food down my throat..

dig a hole, throw me inside, cover it with dirt, so light cant find me...


  1. It gets tough sometimes. Really tough. Just remember that once you push past the aches, pains, and hunger, it will all feel alright.
    I just takes time.
    When I'm fasting I get super super depressed and bitchy.
    But after a week or so, after I've battled it out, I'm fine.

    Stay strong!!

  2. I feel exactly the same.
    I'm so fucking fed up of everything right now.
    I don't know what to do.
    we can do this. x



  4. U can do it ! Not eating messes with your brain chemistry and depletes nutrients from your body. Take supplements, daily vitamins, omega 3's etc., so that your hair and skin stay healthy. When I take vitamins and fast, I don't get depressed. You can't enjoy the feeling of losing weight when you're depressed. You're doing great, I totally envy your resolve!