oh sweet sorrow the time u borrow, will u be here when i wake up tomorrow?

Hey guys!

So I weighed myself today and im not sure if its a miracle or if their is something seriosuly weird going on with my body.. but i weigh 49.8 kilograms (and yes, i double checked)..WTF?

The last time i weighed myself was friday and i was 50.2 kilograms, then i fucking pinged all weekend and now im 49.8! again WTF!!!! I did take laxies everyday but i had to gain something, i ate like a pig.. i dont understand this.. but u know what, i dont need to understand it as long as it keeps happening!..

So i burnt 500 calories at the gym today and i did eat.. i had soup, vegetables, and some chicken for lunch; and i had tuna sashimi and some carrots for dinner.. i also have to confess i had some candy but it wasnt much, just some bites so im not going crazy over it..

Im tired of starving and binging so im actually trying to eat like a normal person (and obviously try to mantain my weight at the same time, staying below 500 cal) when i say normal i mean not starving and not over eating, just eating enough.. if i start gaining then i guess ill have to eat less and excersize more.. im a lot calmer this way, i still feel a little guilty and i was thinking of throwing up dinner but i had already taken my pill so i couldnt.. will the guilt ever go away? its always there, even when i barely eat..

Tomorrow i have appointments with the nutritionist and the psychologist with my dad.. and im nervous cause i lost a looooooot of weight, like 4 kilograms and they are all going to kill me and force feed me and make my life miserable... i hate how they dont realize how they affect me.. if they make me eat more then im gonna over excersize and vomit.. if they let me stay on this weight then i will eat healthily.. i dont get why they wont let me stay on this weight if im not dying, im perfectly fine... stupid doctors.

why do i feel fat if im not even 50 kilograms?.. why am i still not happy?.. will i ever be?