Hello people! im back..
A lot has happened since i last posted.. I went to Puerto Vallarta with my family for a week and as u can imagine, it was a complete disaster..
The plan was to only eat when I was forced to and what i was forced to.. it didnt work out cause i dont know how to eat.. I only know how to starve and binge..
The first days I only ate vegetables, but I still felt fat cause I was eating.. its like my mind doesnt see the difference between fattening food, and not fattening food.. to my brain it is all just food and it all makes me gain weight.. The last days I ate carbs, protein, desserts, everything!.. when i start eating i dont know when to stop.. i hate putting food inside myself, but if i already ate some, then i just keep on eating.. I purged like 5000 times... I was miserable.. I feel like my whole life has been torn apart in a week.. I dont know why i am so obsesive but i have my lifestyle planned out and i need it to work that way.. I went on vacation for a week, just for one week i ate "normaly" and for one week i didnt work out, and now im going crazy!!!!..
I weighed myself today and I weigh 53.6 kilograms.. I look in the mirror and i feel nauseus and disgusted and i want to die.. I cant stand looking at myself, i cant live with myself like this.. I cant live inside this disgusting body..
I started a fast today, I will keep going until I am at 49 kilos again.. then i will keep going more.. But i wont be at peace until I weigh 49 kilograms again.. I refuse to weigh more than that.. This is the highest weight I will ever allow myself to be.. I will never gain weight again, from now on i only lose weight..
I feel so frustrated, I failed ana, I failed myself, I failes everything i live for.. Im such a failiure.. My dad isnt even making me drink the ensure bottle anymore.. i should be happy but im not cause that means he is not worried about me anymore cause im not as thin as i used to be.. I fucking hate looking healthy! I hate this!.. I am not this normal person.. I refuse to look normal!
I need myself back! I cant deal with this.. Thank god I still havent gotten my period again..
I wish the days would pass faster! Im not hungry, I just want the days to pass so I can lose this fucking weight!.. Living bothers me right now.. I wanna crawl in a hole and stay there until im beautiful again..
My friends want me to go to acapulco with them this week!.. it sucks cause i really want to go cause i would have so much fun but I dont wanan go cause i wouldnt be able to fast, and i need this, i need to fast and work out like crazy and i need this to be myself again!..
It sucks cause everyone is there and i really wanna go, but then i would come back and still be fat and id rather die.. so im not going.. im staying here, im punishing myself for being such a fucking pig.. i have to learn my limits and to control myself if i ever want to be thin again..
So this is day 1 of fasting.. I burnt 530 calories at the gym and I will drink 2 liters of water.. today i cant even have coffee, only water!
Im sorry for being gone, i wont ever leave u again!.. I will write every day like I used to.. ur the only thing that keeps me sane.. i love u guys, dont leave me.. oh and mia can go to hell..