sometimes it hurts more to smile than to cry..

Hi..

Im sorry for being gone for so long.. my friends asked me to try to stop blogging so i could get better, and i tried, but i feel lost without my blog, i feel lost without u.. i need this space..

Ive been eating this week.. not much, the only day I binged was sunday.. all the other days ive been eating less than 600 calories.. I dont like to eat, im doing it so my loved ones can stay calm, not for me.. My friends and family are really worried.. Im hurting them, so im really trying to get better for them.. But im not happy.. im miserable.. i feel huge and fat and disgusting..
i dont think ive gained much, maybe half a kilo.. but still i hate myself..

I dont want to gain weight.. I havent been getting my period, but i dont even care.. i dont want to get it cause i dont want to gain weight..

I went to the clinic today, they said i have to weigh at least 56 kilos.. i want to die.. right now i weigh like 50 kilos and i feel fat... id rather die than weigh 56.. there is no point in living if i have to live fat and hating myself.. i dont want to..

I convinced my nutritionist to let me take glucerna instead of ensure.. its the same thing only it has less calories cause it doesnt have sugar.. i try to avoid it most days but i usually cant..

I think my dad is getting sick of me.. i think he is tired of me being sick so he is starting to be a shitty dad again, which sucks cause for the first time in my life he was being nice to me but only cause he was worried..

My dad saw the cuts on my wrist and made me tell my doctor at the clinic.. he said that every day i give him more reasons to keep me in the clinic for good.. they also told me that if i lose eveb 100 grams this holidays they will lock me up in the clinic when i get back..

my head is a battlefield right now.. i know i have to gain weight cause if not they will put me in the clinic and i dont want to go to the clinic cause they will lock me up, detach me from the world and make me fat... but i dont want to gain any weight.. I DONT WANT TO. what do i do?

I have an appointment with my nutritionist tomorrow.. if i didnt gain weight she wont let me go on vacation.. a friend gave me some weights u wrap on ur feet.. each one weighs half a kilo.. im gonna wear them tomorrow at my appointment, i hope she doesnt catch me..

My feelings have not changed.. i still feel numb and dead inside, i still feel fat, i still hate myself, i still hate light and love darkness, i still want to sleep forever, etc... but ive been acting really well and ive been trying to fight and not let my life fall apart.. its so hard to live these days..

everybody says i look to skinny and sick.. why cant i see it? i only see fatness.. i havent been able to sleep the past week.. i feel dead.. i need help.