Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I have been fasting for 3 days.. I was planning on fasting forever, until today happened..

I went to the nutritionist and she said I didnt gain weight and that I need to gain weight.. she said she hasnt been very strict with me cause she thought i would gain the weight on my own, but i didnt so now things are going to change.. before, she gave me a menu for each week but i never really followed it and my parents didnt check it. For the last 2 weeks she also told me to drink a bottle of ensure every morning.. most mornings i could avoid it, others i drank half cause my stepmom watched me. Today my nutritionist called my dad and told him that he has to check my menu, and that somebody has to watch me eat, and that i have to drink 2 ensure bottles.. one in the morning and one at night.. each ensure bottle has 351 calories so 2 of them equals 702 calories plus food, which is more than i ever ever ever eat..

somebody help me.. i wanna die.. i really wanna die.. i dont want to live anymore if i have to be fat. I cant stand this life.. i want to die.

i have no idea what im going to do.. five minutes ago my dad brought me my ensure bottle and sat next to me until i finished it.. its the first time i drink the whole bottle.. what will i do? im gonna gain weight like crazy.. somebody help me.. i refuse to live if living means living like this.. ive been fasting for 3 days and i didnt lose weight, i just didnt gain.. now imagine if i eat and drink 2 ensure bottles every day.. ive never felt so miserable and helpless in my life.. i feel like a baby, people watching over me.. please someone tell me what to do.. i dont wanna gain weight.. id rather die.. why wont they leave me alone? why wont they understand how they are hurting me? why wont they understand this isnt a fisical problem, this is a mental ilness.. and until they fix my mind, i wont be able to eat and be happy... i will be miserable forever, if i dont kill myself first.. what am i supposed to do? just sit here and gain weight? seriously? how am i supposed to do that? please somebody help me? somebody tell me what to do?.. i wish i could escape my house, go somewhere else, live alone, own my life.. but i have nowhere else to go.. what will i do? i wanna die.. i dont want to live anymore.. its me against myself and the world.. how am i supposed to win? its my life, my body, it belongs to me, why dont they leave me alone.. please someone help me.. please.. i beg u god please help me.. save me from this hell.. i cant do this anymore.. i just cant.. i barely eat, i over excersize, i purge.. now what am i supposed to do if they take that away from me?.. i will be the fattest person ever.. i cant let that happen, because then all this fighting, this struggle, would be in vain.. i need an answer, i need a light.. god where are you? dont leave me alone with them, dont leave me alone with myself.. HELP ME


  1. Well...
    Please don't kill yourself. There are much worse things than having calories stuffed down your throat.
    I'm not God, but I'd say your best bet is learn to purge. You mentioned that you do, but I mean, everytime you eat something, chug at least half a bottle of water and get it all out. If you want to be sneaky, you could sabotage your ensure. Perhaps draining it all and replacing it with water? If people watch you actually open the bottle, poke 2 holes in the top and to drain it and/or replace it with water. And make sure when you go to your nutritionalist that you stuff whatever you can in your pockets and drink a ton of water.
    There are plenty ways to get through this!
    Stay strong, girlie. And enough with the suicidal thoughts!!!

  2. i was gna say try to replace the ensure with something else aswell i dno what ot looks like but is there something similar maybe if you gain a bit the nutritonist will let you go back to one bottle and your dad wont have to watch so you can loose again

    remember you can always loose it again

  3. you have to remember that you're stronger than all of this. you can overcome this. i know it feels like torture, having everyone watching you and waiting for your next move, but it's not torture. torture happens in small, dark rooms in countries with names you struggle to spell. you can pull yourself out of this haze if it becomes too much for you. you always have that option. but you're doing really good. im sooo proud of you. stay strong.