still fasting, still feeling fat, still dead inside.
the only thing that keeps me going is feeling empty inside..empty, foodless, and clean.
today i did my S.A.T. to get into university.. most of it went fine, but suddenly on the last section I started to feel really dizzy and weak, and i couldnt see well, and my hands were shacking, and i was sweating.. but i managed to finish the exam as well as i could..
i still dont feel good.. ive only been fasting for 4 days, ive fasted for a lot longer without feeling like this.. my body is against me..
today is one of my best friend's birthday and i have to go to a dinner party they are throwing for her.. i obviously wont eat anything cause im fasting, ill think of an excuse.. the problem is im to weak and dizzy to even get dressed..
i just got to the conclusion that fun is out of my life.. one option is to get fatter so i can have energy to go clubbing but hate myself and want to die of disgust, and the other option is to not eat and be thin and skinny and perfect and to love myself but to weak to go clubbing.. and i think im picking option 2, id rather be dead than fat.
I burnt 560 calories at the gym yesterday, today i couldnt go and i feel guilty.. I cant do this anymore, im rotting in my own hell.. i cant deal with this life anymore, i wanna sleep forever.. it hurts too much when im awake.