WAR ANA V.S. MIA- BRING IT ON FAT BITCH

I dont even know where to start..
my conducts have been nowhere near anorexic..

I was perfect.. I weighed 49 kilograms, I was pale, weak, fragile, bony, beautiful..

I dont know what happened but i ruined me.. I always had control, food was my worst enemy.. It was me against the piggish society that i lived in, and i was winning.. I tricked everyone around me and got thinner every day.. I got all the attention I wanted and more.. I was the center of attention.. My clothes were big, my legs were toothpicks, I was beautiful..

I was the definition of anorexic, and for the first time in my life i was happy.. I had nothing else but myself, but i loved myself...

What the fuck happened to me? The last month I have been in a cycle of starving, binging, and purging.. mostly binging... I am completely disgusted by myself.. I dont even look in the mirror anymore cause I dont want to see the damage.. I used to binge but mostly twice a month.. Now I do it 3 or more times a week.. never ever ever ate carbs or drank milk.. now i "fast" with capuccinos and lattes.. that is not fasting!.. instead of losing or mantaining, ive gained like crazy.. I havent weighed myself but I think I weigh like 54 kilograms... MY NIGHTMARE..

I completely forgot what eating is.. I dont know the difference between fruit and chocolate anymore.. I see it all the same, I see it all as food, I dont understand that one is more fattening than the other.. U have got to see the size of my legs.. I am disgusting.. I dont even want to go to the gym cause i dont want to feel the fat moving inside me..

This has got to stop NOW.. if i dont stop then I will just keep gaining and all my hard work will be ruined.. I will weigh what I weighed when i was fat (62 kilos) or even more.. I will die first..

I hate feeling fat, I hate living like this.. Nothing is worth it.. I think about being skinny again all the fucking time.. even when im binging.. Ive put my modeling on hold cause I dont feel pretty.. Ive stopped going out or seeing my friends cause I dont want them to see im healthy... The truth is I am not healthy! I am fucking sick! I eat like a pig!.. I cant control myself!.. I eat everything around me! and i cant stop until my body hurts and im crying on the floor with chocolate in my face and crumbs all over my clothes!.. Then I go to the toilet and vomit until blood comes out and more! and then I eat more and I purge again!.. PLEASE GOD HELP ME!..

Do u guys remember my posts? I was perfect, I had control! Please god help me!..

Bulimia is dirty and sick and nasty..Anorexia is beautiful, clean, and pure..

I want my old self back and im gonna get it back I dont care how.. The problem is ive become too weak! I give in to every craving!.. I dont even count calories anymore!.. I dont even burn 500 calories at the gym anymore!.. I dont know what happened to me but Im stronger than this.. I ashamed of posting this cause I disgust myself and Im scared of letting u down, but I did..

THIS ENDS HERE!

THE WAR IS ON!

-I start fasting tomorrow, fasting like I used to.. water, diet coke, coffee, cigarettes, gum, tea.

-I will burn 500 calories at the gym everyday no excuses.

-I will buy diet pills.

-I will keep fasting until I weigh 49 kilograms again.

-When I star eating again, the most I can eat is 500 calories.

I AM NOT A BULIMIC PIG, I AM AN ANOREXIC BEAUTY!..

This was just a crisis I went through but its over now..

My whole life sucks, u guys dont even want me to tell u about it.. The only thing I have is my body and I need it to be perfect.. I need this, im going crazy i cant handle being fat anymore.. ugghhhh I hate having boobs and ass.. I hate people telling me I look good!.. I wanna fucking die this is killing me, ive never felt so fat in my whole life before.. I swear this is over..

I will not fail! This im my promise to u, to me, and to god.. If I lose this war, I will leave this blog forever, cause i will not deserve to write on it anymore.. If I fail this mission, I will not deserve to be a part of this world anymore.. I cant let that happen, this is all I have..

I need u guys to help me and support me, i need ur comments, dont forget about me.. I need u to be here for me just like I have always been there for u, helping u stay strong.. I need u now more than ever..

THE WAR STARTS NOW!