Sunday, January 31, 2010


I dont even know where to start..
my conducts have been nowhere near anorexic..
I was perfect.. I weighed 49 kilograms, I was pale, weak, fragile, bony, beautiful..
I dont know what happened but i ruined me.. I always had control, food was my worst enemy.. It was me against the piggish society that i lived in, and i was winning.. I tricked everyone around me and got thinner every day.. I got all the attention I wanted and more.. I was the center of attention.. My clothes were big, my legs were toothpicks, I was beautiful..
I was the definition of anorexic, and for the first time in my life i was happy.. I had nothing else but myself, but i loved myself...

What the fuck happened to me? The last month I have been in a cycle of starving, binging, and purging.. mostly binging... I am completely disgusted by myself.. I dont even look in the mirror anymore cause I dont want to see the damage.. I used to binge but mostly twice a month.. Now I do it 3 or more times a week.. never ever ever ate carbs or drank milk.. now i "fast" with capuccinos and lattes.. that is not fasting!.. instead of losing or mantaining, ive gained like crazy.. I havent weighed myself but I think I weigh like 54 kilograms... MY NIGHTMARE..

I completely forgot what eating is.. I dont know the difference between fruit and chocolate anymore.. I see it all the same, I see it all as food, I dont understand that one is more fattening than the other.. U have got to see the size of my legs.. I am disgusting.. I dont even want to go to the gym cause i dont want to feel the fat moving inside me..

This has got to stop NOW.. if i dont stop then I will just keep gaining and all my hard work will be ruined.. I will weigh what I weighed when i was fat (62 kilos) or even more.. I will die first..

I hate feeling fat, I hate living like this.. Nothing is worth it.. I think about being skinny again all the fucking time.. even when im binging.. Ive put my modeling on hold cause I dont feel pretty.. Ive stopped going out or seeing my friends cause I dont want them to see im healthy... The truth is I am not healthy! I am fucking sick! I eat like a pig!.. I cant control myself!.. I eat everything around me! and i cant stop until my body hurts and im crying on the floor with chocolate in my face and crumbs all over my clothes!.. Then I go to the toilet and vomit until blood comes out and more! and then I eat more and I purge again!.. PLEASE GOD HELP ME!..

Do u guys remember my posts? I was perfect, I had control! Please god help me!..
Bulimia is dirty and sick and nasty..Anorexia is beautiful, clean, and pure..

I want my old self back and im gonna get it back I dont care how.. The problem is ive become too weak! I give in to every craving!.. I dont even count calories anymore!.. I dont even burn 500 calories at the gym anymore!.. I dont know what happened to me but Im stronger than this.. I ashamed of posting this cause I disgust myself and Im scared of letting u down, but I did..

-I start fasting tomorrow, fasting like I used to.. water, diet coke, coffee, cigarettes, gum, tea.
-I will burn 500 calories at the gym everyday no excuses.
-I will buy diet pills.
-I will keep fasting until I weigh 49 kilograms again.
-When I star eating again, the most I can eat is 500 calories.


This was just a crisis I went through but its over now..
My whole life sucks, u guys dont even want me to tell u about it.. The only thing I have is my body and I need it to be perfect.. I need this, im going crazy i cant handle being fat anymore.. ugghhhh I hate having boobs and ass.. I hate people telling me I look good!.. I wanna fucking die this is killing me, ive never felt so fat in my whole life before.. I swear this is over..

I will not fail! This im my promise to u, to me, and to god.. If I lose this war, I will leave this blog forever, cause i will not deserve to write on it anymore.. If I fail this mission, I will not deserve to be a part of this world anymore.. I cant let that happen, this is all I have..
I need u guys to help me and support me, i need ur comments, dont forget about me.. I need u to be here for me just like I have always been there for u, helping u stay strong.. I need u now more than ever..



  1. Be strong, you'll get this. This is just a momentary lapse, you'll get your control back. You haven't lost all your willpower, it's still there. Good luck

  2. Im not english so my english is not very well.
    I read this text.
    Its my hole life,
    the best time of my life was when i was anorexic.
    I started drugs then i gain weight when i stopped it.
    At this point i started bulimia , i felt dirty
    I need the power to kill mia
    and find ana under all my fat.

  3. hey wanna b buddies? email me at k? im natalie. 17 yrs old.

  4. this is just sad.

    you're not anorexic. if you were, you'd know it means hair loss, broken bones, and a body bag. you'd know it's anything but beautiful.

    and to call bulimics pigs???

    this is offensive, triggering, and your views are downright disgusting.

    please take this down. it's horrible.

    you're nothing but a faker.

    ~a bulimic