I need my old self back.. Im working on finding her.. I dont know who has gotten inside me but she is destroying my beautiful thin body and covering it with fat.. I cant allow it..
Im sick of this horrible routine of fasting through the week and then binging like an insane pig on weekends and ruining all the hard work.. when I think of all the things i put into my mouth i get this huge urge to lock myself up in a clinic cause i cant control myself..
Its so weird how my mind changed 180 degrees.. first there was no way i would eat a piece of nothing.. now there is no way i can stop if i eat anything.. before i would cry if i had to eat, now i look forward to it.. wasnt i supposed to be anorexic?.. i have to start acting like one.. the funny thing is i still believe i have anorexia haha.. seriously?? Im beyond anorexia, I am a full on bulimic and i am fucking sick of it and disgusted by myself..
Im fasting again.. but i really need this fast to last more than 5 days and i need to not binge when i eat.. i need to do this, i have to do this.. im sick of getting fat, im sick of being weak, im sick of everything.. the worst part is i have already done it before, i know i can do it, i know how strong i can be.. so what the fuck happened to me!.. please samantha come back wherever u are..
oh and p.s.- life fucking sucks.. i need money and a place to live.. my dad doesnt want me here anymore.. got nowhere to go and im fat..