Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Take me somewhere off the map...

Hey girls..
I guess u guys deserve 2 know more about me than just what I eat.. I have 55 followers! I have no idea how that happened!.. This may sound pathetic but ive never felt more listened to in my entire life... There are 55 people in this world that actually care and it igves my life some meaning, so thank u so much!.. Here we go..
Name: Samantha
Age: 18
Parents: Divorced when i was 12
Siblings: 1 younger sister, 2 step brothers
Live with: Dad, stepmom, and her 2 sons.
Relationship with dad- not good, not bad, just non-existant. He is a heart surgeon so he is never home, and when he is, he spends his time with his new family and doesnt even notice I exist.
Relationship with mom: really bad, i dont live with her.. long story short- she is a diagnosed bipolar and manic depressive, some days she says she loves me with all her heart, other days she says she regrets the day i was born, im a mistake of god, she doesnt know what she did in her life to deserve this monster as a daughter, etc etc.. When I lived with her there was no food or water at home, she spent all the money drinking and partying, she didnt come home at night, etc so I was always fighting with her.. I got tired of it when I was 13 and told her I was gonna go live with my dad, she hit me with hangers and i didnt speak to her for the following 2 years.. I started speaking to her again cuz I wanted to have a relationship with my sister (who lives with my mom) and it was the only way.. I hate my mother, but I have to deal with her if i want to see my sister..
Relationship with sister: Bad.. My mom told her I abandoned them to live with my dad and that I am the worst human being on this planet.. Sometimes we try to get along but she hates me cuz she thinks I am responsible for her and my mom´s suffering.. She is also a backstabbing 15 year old bitch..
Teenage years: I became an adult at 13.. No one looked out for me, I did what I wanted and im proud of myself cuz I took care of myself the best I could.. I did make many mistakes but I didnt do drugs or have sex until i was 17 and i have no tattoos yet.. I got kicked out of many schools but I finished high school well and now Im in university.
Self- esteem: I have always needed attention.. I think the reason I failed school so much was that my dad payed more attention to me when I got an F than when I got an A. I practically destroyed my reputation by wearing very sexy clothes and making out with guys just so I could feel looked at or loved for even a moment. I always knew I had the potential to be beautiful but I didnt see it.. I hated myself (I still do), I always imagined the day when I could be thin like models and become one. I dreamt of the day someone would notice my existence.
Eating disorders- I believe at first I was a compulsive eater.. I was never what a normal person would call fat but I did have huge boobs and a huge ass and curves.. I ate all day, all the time just to feel full.. Until one day I realized that I didnt feel full, i just felt emptier and uglier and I hated myself more.. So without noticing i just started eating less and less and less until now.. At firts it was 100 calories, then 900, then 800, and so on until 200 was too much.. I stopped eating carbs and meat, I stopped drinking calories, etc.. I never weighed myself and it suddenly became a necesary ritual to start my day, no matter how much i lost it was never enough, i always wanted more.. One kilo more and ill be thin, one kilo more and ill be pretty.. People started to tell me I looked sick and bony and pale and that i wasnt pretty anymore.. My boyfriend told me he wasnt atracted to me anymore, that i was too skinny.. I didnt care what people sais, i cared about ehat i saw in the mirror and i still see fat.. My clothes are huge on me and im still scared to put them on cause i think they will be too tight.. I remember i dreamt about weighing 55 kilograms.. and when i hit that weight i opened this blog cause i needed more.. i still wasnt happy.. When I hit 51 kilograms I stopped getting my period.. My dad didnt even notice I lost so much weight (11 kilograms) all I ever wanted was his attention, for him to look at me and he didnt.. so i told him about my period and I started going to an in an out clinic (i still go).. I see a therapist and a nutritionist but they believe my lies, they make me drink ensure bottles and i obviously dont, i wear weights on my ankles, i tell them i take the prozac and i dont, etc etc.. instead of pulling me out of this sickness, they pushed me even more into it cause i started to lie.. The truth is I dont want to get cured from this.. Ana is all I have.. For the first time in my life ive been getting attention from friends, family, etc.. even if its negative attention i feel noticed and i need it, i like it.. There is nothing the clinic can do if i dont let them.. I was 49 kilograms and still not happy, but the happiest i had ever been.. Then I dont know what happened to me and I started binging and purging and now I weigh 52 kilograms.. I completely repulse myself.. The attention is gone and I wanted back.. There is nothing i can wear right now cause my jeans are too big but my leggins dont look as good as before.. i hate this.. I need to weigh 48, i need it more than oxygen so im fasting again.. apparently fasting doesnt work on my body like it used to.. my body got used to it and im not losing any apparent weight.. u have no idea the frustration it is to fast and not get thinner.. what else can i do?

Boyfriend: Ive been with my boy for 3 years (on and off) he taught me everything, he was my first everything, he loves me with all he has and i have never understood why.. every girl i know wants him and he insists on being with me (the fat, sick, depressive slut) why??? ill never know.. A month ago we broke up and I started dating a 26 year old guy who treats me like a queen, makes me feel like a princess but i dont know something is missing.. I went out with him 7 times already and he is crazy about me.. even though i wasnt completely happy i still kept going out with him.. until my worst nightmare happened.. 2 years ago i lived in san diego california and hadnt seen my boyfriend in 2 months so i sent him pictures of my boobs.. his computer broke and a mutual friend offered to fix it.. a week ago the pictures started comming out and people all around me are getting them by e- mail.. apparently the guy who fixed the computer stole them 2 years ago and is now sending them.. my ex is making him wish he was dead.. i havent slept for a week and thats the reason ive been binging and purging like hell.. the guy im dating has no idea about this situation.. i didnt tell him cause i thought i could keep it under control but apparently i cant.. my ex has been by my side this whole week calming me down and crying with me and helping me cause he still loves me like crazy and would die for me.. all this timr with him made me realize that i still love him and that i want to be with him.. and now i dont know what to do cause this other guy thinks im gonna be his girlfriend any day now.. im not sure what to do cause one part of me wants to date this guy and have an older boyfriend and live different things, but another side of me wants to be with my ex... the other problem is that if i decide to be with the new guy im gonna have to tell him about the pictures or he will find out and i dont know if he will still want to be with me... the other problem is that if the pictures get to more peoples hands then the whole community will know and my dad will send me to another continent..

so as u can see, i havent slept in a week.. my body is against me.. my mind is racing.. my heart hurts like hell.. i feel like my body is eating me up.. i dont know what to do in any aspect of my entire life and ive been seriously thinking about running away.. what the fuck am i to do?
my whole life was finally turning out okay and then SHIT HAPPENED.. and now im fucked..
I just wanted to share a part of me with u.. ill share more some other time, about my friends, hobbies, etc.. even if it doesnt matter anymore cause my name, my reputation, my life, etc is going down the drain and ill have to move and change my name.. I live in a ver closed community in mexico city where everyone knows each other so i cant stay here and be the whore whos boobs are on everyone's cellphones..

The worst part is even though im dying inside.. my family doesnt know and i cant tell them.. not even the guy im dating.. what should i do?

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