Tuesday, April 27, 2010

and the worst part is that i knew this would happen...


I dont know how to start.. I dreamt about writing this post (it was a nightmare). A nightmare in which all the amazing things that were happening to me would end and i would write to u here about how im back.. the old sad, dark, lonely, misunderstood, broken, hungry, stupid, pathetic girl u knew is back... I knew this would happen, i swear i knew it.. i told everyone that couldnt believe good things were happening to me.. i knew i didnt deserve them, i also knew that good things dont happen to me ever, its just not the way i am, not the way my life is.. i was happy, but deep inside i knew i wasnt supposed to be happy, like that feeling didnt belong there even though i wanted it so bad.. i knew it didnt fit inside me, i knew it was wrong and i knew it wouldnt last.. i just didnt think it would end so fast, i didndt think it would end before it oficially started..

So this boy ive been telling u about.. the one that didnt judge me, loved me as i am, drived me mad, took me to the most amazing places, showed me the fun of my life, was my perfect kind of guy, loved the same music as i did and was helping me with my dream, the guy who ive always been waiting for, the one i didnt think existed, the one that was as crazy and random as me so we fit perfectly together... the guy ive been dating for 3 weeks and every day was more amazing than the last, and everything was so perfect, suddenly 3 days ago he stopped showing interest, and avoiding me, and acting weird, and not calling... i just wish i could have a reason for it, i wish there was an explanation for this enormous drastic change, i wish i would know what went wrong... my friend say that maybe he just got suffocated and scared cuz everything was happening toooo fast and he just backed off for some air and space.. but i dont believe that, i think he lost interest and just sent me to hell.. i just never thought he was the kind of guy that would just dump me without even an explanation or a goodbye...
what sucks the most is a betrayed myself, i betrayed my number one rule! NEVER TRUST ANYONE.. and i trusted him and fell for him.. and now here i am.. alone again and hurting..
how foolish of me to think someone would have a relationship with me.. everyone talks shit about me, i am the girl from the nude pictures, my reputation sucks, girls hate me, i have anorexia, etc etc... how stupid of me to think that any guy could ever take me seriously.. i just thought he was different, he seemed different..
I sit and wonder why god put him into my life if i was ok without him in it before.. before i met him i wasnt aware of his existence and of his magical world he showed me.. before i met him i was alone but i was ok with it, i was miserable but i was fine with it and i accepted my reality.. i knew i was the lonely girl and that i was gonna be that girl forever.. and then he shows up and literally rocks my world, and moves me, and makes me feel, fall in love, go crazy, he kisses me, he holds me, he takes care of me, he sings and plays for me... he makes me believe that i could actually be happy and that i dont have to be alone and that i could be loved... and now he leaves me.. and now i am more miserable than before cuz now i am aware of his existence and of his world and friends and places and life which i loved being a part of and now im not.. now i feel worse than before...
so girls, im back.. prepare for really depressive, angry, and sad posts.. and now i dont wanna just be thin, i wanna be sick again, i wanna disappear from this earth that just kicks me and messes with me.. it is so mean and unfair.. i wanna be sick, i wanna look scary.. im back.. hello.

2 comments:

  1. Strength. Show him what he's missing. Do not admit defeat. You will never get another chance at happiness without staying strong. And why the fuck would you want to live your life miserable?

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