Wednesday, April 21, 2010

ive always had this repulsive need to be something more than human..

those are my legs
i went to the clinic today.. i got yelled at.. i deserved it..
my nutritionist said im on the lowest weight ive ever been.. she said i dont have any fat left in my body and that im losing a lot of muscle and that i should be really worried.. I told her that it cant be possible, that i dont feel skinny, that i feel fat like i always do, that i look in the mirror and i dont look any thinner.. she told me that she could tell i lost a lot of weight from the moment i walked in.. i asked her what my weight was, she didnt want to tell me so after i went to the gym and weighed myself there... my weight is 49.1 kilograms= 108.5 lbs bmi= 16.9.. This is insane, its crazy!!!!!! I feel like I weigh like 50.5 or something... i never went under 49.8.. what is so weird is that i really cant notice it!.. i stared at the mirror naked for hours and i just look the same, i cant tell the difference, im still not happy.. so the story repeats itself, the story we all know, maybe one more kilo and ill be happy, yeah 1 more kilo... will we ever be beautiful? maybe we already are, and if we are, will we ever see it?
Nutritionist send me loads of food to eat- im fasting so i wont eat nothin.. she told me the gym is forbidden- i am obviously going everyday... she said that if i dont gain she will have to send me ensures again- if she does i will empty them and fill them with water like i used to.. she called my dad and told him i have to eat more- he's never home and he is leaving on a trip for 5 days so what can he do... NO ONE WILL STOP ME, NO ONE CAN MAKE ME EAT, NO ONE CAN SAVE ME, NO ONE CAN HELP ME, NO ONE CAN MAKE ME HEALTHY.. i dont know if this is a good thing or a bad thing... oh well..
I promise ill post some modeling pictures this week im just editing my face and stuff so i can post them.. meanwhile here is another one of my legs.. oh and im still fasting! i wanna lose more and more and more.. ill deal with them later.. love uuuu

3 comments:

  1. Your legs look fabulous. I love the cheetah tights.

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