Wednesday, April 21, 2010

dont turn on the light, it scares me...

If u guys have been reading my blog from the start, u know im a really dark and deep and unhappy person.. ive never known something happy.. ive always been sad and i liked it, i got used to it and i didnt mind it.. it was the way i was, it defined me, my personality was sad, my lifestyle, my everything.. I created my own little world where I could vent and be myself, my bible was my secret notebook where i would write really dark and deep poems and quotes, i love it! im really proud of it cause they are actually good, but i cant show them to people cause they wouldnt understand them, I have showed them to u guys, they r some of the titles of my old posts..
People never liked me, but it stopped bothering me, i learned to love to be alone.. the people who were supposed to be there, my own family, my mother and father, my closest friends let me down the worst and hurt me the most, so i learned not to trust anybody and i closed myself.. I created my own little world.. it was sad, dark, and lonely but i loved it.. it was mine, it was my shell, and i belonged there..i felt safe.. I lied a lot, i was the best actress, no one imagined how fucked and messed up i really was, that it was all lies, i have so many secrets that ive never told anyone, so many that some i forget with time.. Ive spent my life looking for myself, trying to find myself, i have no idea who i am, who am i supposed to be, how am i supposed to act, how is my personality.. i used to define myself with words like sad, dead, dark, empty, lonely, wrong, etc I never tried to get out of that depressing state, i just ketp looking for it more and digging deeper, i wanted to be sadder, i liked sad people, i hated happy things, i hated the light, I didnt want help.. I just wanted to be sadder and emptier and sicker and to die more and more each day... Until I have no idea what the fuck happened.. I hit rock bottom, I went into a crisis, i lost whatever nothing i had, I had no control over nothing, at least before I had control over myself, now i couldnt control myself, I was seriously fucked up.. I dont remember what changed or how did it happen but suddenly its like im seeing the world for the first time and its weird.. This just happened a couple of months ago, for the first time in my entire life good things are happenign to me and this is scaring the shit out of me.. I dont know how to react, I dont know how not to be sad, this being a happy person thing i dont know how to deal with it, it doesnt suit me.. this is so fucked up.. my dad is finally looking at me and taking care of me and supporting me, i have this new amazing guy that is crazy about me in my life, my biggest wildest dreams are comming true, i have friends who love me, im getting thinner and thinner... my life is everything i ever wished for, what i always wanted, what ive always dreamt about and yet i miss being sad.. i kinda miss myself.. but i cant find myself cuz i have no reason for being sad at all, and i dont want a reason to be sad cuz i dont want to lose what i have but i really really miss my dark world.. I looked at the world and everybody was so normal and happy and usual, and i wasnt and i liked that, i loved having this secret world of my own, i loved putting on the act, and now i have nothing to act about, im actually kinda ok and it scares me, i dont like it... my biggest fear in the world is becoming a normal person.. id rather die than be normal, normal sucks.. i miss my dead self, but also i came to realize how pathetic i was.. living like a ghost, not living at all, winning my way through life, i felt special cause i have gone through a lot of shit in my life and i suffered a lot, but i dont wanna be special because of that, i wanna be special because of something else, im not special because ive suffered, im special cause i have something different inside me, something amazing and im gonna prove it to the world and do something crazy!..
I guess all this would mean i should want to get better from anorexia and want to get cured.. but this is the only thing i just cant let go, it really is a part of me, it didnt go away like the rest of it.. its still embeded in my blood and in my brain.. i still fast and like bones and want to weigh less and feel fat.. i still starve and i will keep starving until im beautiful, even if it hurts.. i think this proves this is a sickness u dont choose or control.. this proves that if u have it u have it and its not a choice.. my life still revolves around how thin i am..
Ive been fasting for 2 days, i just found out my dad is going to chicago on the weekend so i wont have to eat this weekend so i can fast for 2 weeks straight... im soooo happy!!!!!!!!!!!!
love u girls


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  2. I am totally in tune with what you're saying. Reading your post today I thought "Jesus does this girl have a copy of my old journal?" :) I used to constantly talk about missing depression with my psych. I never realized that was actually what was happening until one day she brought it to light and asked me "Do you thinnk your road to happiness is long and winding because you are afraid to be happy because you will abandoning your saddness?" WOW. She couldn't have put it any better. Ive been dagnosed as a manic depressive since I was in 4th grade. 4TH GRADE. Recently my manic episodes and extreme anger and outlandish freak outs have landed me in the bipolar pool. Sadness, darkness and all things evil and cold had been my whole life since I could remember. Who am I if I am happy?

    Beautiful posts girl. Good luck with your fast. :)