I keep letting myself down.. I keep procrastinating.. I keep failing.. I wasnt like this, I was never weak, I was never lazy... Im done being like this.. its just pathetic..
Im tired of "pseudo-fasts" where i can bend the rules and allow myself jell-o and soup and light frappuccinos.. its stupid.. im tired of my sunday binges..
It wasnt my worst week, but it wasnt my best either.. I pseudo-fasted through it, ended up weighing like 50 kilos, barely ate on saturday and "binged" on sunday.. im not really calling it a binge cause i only had vegetables and protein, no carbs at all.. but still it was way over my 500 calorie limit i think, and i had to purge.. im tired of this, im disgusted..
when does this stop? no matter how many rules we invent and how much we punish ourselves, we always end up failing and starting again... a stupid cycle.. and im tired of it.
So im gonna stop making long term plans, im just gonna go one day at a time and lets see how that goes..
My singing and acting classes start tomorrow, I have a modeling photoshoot on tuesday, a famous photographer from ny comes to do my modeling book on may 10th and I need to be perfect so im gonna kill myself starting tomorrow.. models dont eat.
I went clubbing last night and I saw a guy friend I hadnt seen in ages... he was really worried, he took me outside and started yelling at me that i was too skinny and that it killed him to see me like this.. he made me promise him i was gonna eat more, he said i didnt look healthy anymore, that my arms and legs look like toothpicks and that u can feel my ribs and bones when u touch me.. he was mad at me.. I WAS HAPPY SOOO HAPPY!! SUCH A RUSH!!!!.. and now i fucked it up binging.. ugh im such a moron..
I always fast on weekdays so well tomorrow i will wake up early, hit the gym, truly fast through the day and let u know how i did at night ok?.. im not messing it up.. i have to weigh at least 48.5 on friday, i need to see the number 48.. im fucking tired of being stuck on 50 and 49..
love u guys