nothing

Binged yesterday... fasted today and burnt 830 cal0ries at the gym

im tired.. so tired of the same fasting binging cycle.. it has to stop, its over. the end.

I have new rules.. im gonna live by them, i cant brake them cause this is who i am. I am samantha, i am anorexic, i am thin, i want to be thinner, i dont ever want to gain and this is the only way to do it.. and because this is all i have in life.

1. I dont give myself permission to eat.. EVER.

2.I only eat when forced to or when it cannot be avoided.

3.I can obviously never ever eat alone.

4.When forced to eat this can only be fruit, vegetables, yoghurt, fish, egg whites, soup.

5.Carbs,chicken and meat are strictly forbidden!

6.When forced to eat never ever go past 500 calories.

7.Burn the amount of calories I eat at the gym.

I hate to eat, I dont want to eat it makes me fat, that is the only thing it does.. food sucks..

My life is such a mess right now.. i have nothing.. nothing to live for.. nothing to wake up to.. and im being serious.. i have nothing to do.

And now theres this new guy im like kinda dating.. im sooo into him, he gives me this rush and its exactly what i need right now, something to make me smile, a reason to make me want to get up in the mornings, a reason... and ive just been seing him for a week and we went out last night to this bar and we sang and got kinda drunk and danced and he kissed me.. like 4 times and it was amazing but today we havent spoken, he just texted me now and i dont know how serious this is and im really nervous... i cant take being dumped right now.. im to fragile, i swear i cant take it, my heart cant take anything else right now...

what do u do when u really dont trust urself?.. when u have so many dreams and so many things u wanna do but u dont even try cause u already know ur a failiure cause uve always been a failiure... cause uve always fucked up everything uve done and uve never finished anything uve ever started and no one trusts u anymore and no one believes in u, and u have no one to rely on anymore, not even urself... what if ur tired of being that pathetic person that everyone steps on and pittys and u try so hard and u fight to destroy that image and to look strong and to impress everybody and actually be good at something and get better but nothing u do works, cause now they dont pitty u, they just dont look at u and now ur the one that pittys urself...

im so tired of this life it sucks..

at least before i liked being sad.. being sad filled me, at least the feeling of emptyness, and sadness, and lonelyness was enough for me.. it gave me a reason and a meaning and i wrote quotes and i felt i was good at something but now that just looks stupid and boring to me and it sucks.. i dont know if i want to be happy, i dont know if i will ever be, i dont know if i want to be sad, i dont know if i want to be dead or alive, all i know is i dont want to be here in the middle, i dont want to be this piece of nothing that doesnt belong to anything...

today i was thinking.. i just want to be loved by someone, yeah.. i want someone to love me.. someone, anyone.. but i cant even love myself.