Monday, May 10, 2010

nothing hurts more than waiting since i dont know what im waiting for anymore...

I woke up today.. feeling huge, looking huge, totally huge.. DISGUSTING.
I went to the gym and burnt 610 calories..
I fasted through the day.. thank god!
I did have some problems with my family and had to fight my way through the day to avoid eating but i made it.. but im still fat.. ugghhh i hate myself..
Tomorrow is mother's day in mexico and my mom will probably want to go eat somewhere and there is no way in hell im eating.. i dont know how to avoid it.. idk what to do.. i cant eat i need to be perfect for friday.. ill think of something..
Im so sad lately.. im heartbroken, and in pain, and it hurts, and i miss him... and im pathetic, facebook stalking him all day and holding my blackberry all day even though i know he wont call.. and going to the places he goes wishing ill bump into him and i dont.. im so pathetic.. i hate this, this so unlike me.. i need to stop.. but my heart still thinks hes the one for me and ive always been a fighter.. its so hard giving up on something when ur never been the kind that gives up on anything.. i dont know how to give up on him.. someone please teach me or force me..
and im also fat.. and my dad keeps closing every dor for me and rejecting me... he keeps hurting me, and judging me.. he keeps hating me.. he keeps attacking me.. and i have nothing.. my life sucks again.. this is so so so fucking unfair.. its like showing a blind person the world and then taking his sight away again... its like giving candy to a kid and then taking it away before he even takes a bite.. i never thought there was any possible way i could ever be happy, i thought i was condemned to be miserable and i was ok with it, i build my world around sadness, lonelyness, emptyness, rejection, etc.. and then suddenly everything changes and things appear, things and people and situations that give me happiness and make me happy and im ok and i smile and i can breathe and for the first time i can feel and liberate myself from fear of being hurt and pain and hatred and i trust.. and then suddenly it all goes away again.. just like that, it al goes away and im here left with nothing.. NOTHING.. everythings gone.. and know im not okay with living in my sad dark hole again cuz i know there is this wonderful world out there that im missing.. its not fair.. i was better off not ever knowing it existed.. i was better off not ever knowing he existed.. i was better off not ever knowing that i really am talented and that i should fight for my dream, cuz now if i dont fight for it i would be stupid and wasting my life and talent... i was better off before, comfortable in my lonely sad dark hole.. away from everything.. how did he even find me? i hate him.. and im fat.

1 comment:

  1. i hope you can cheer up soon whatever it takes. hang in there, little lady. you can do this.

    p.s. your blog is a huge inspiration to me cause you're about my height so i can't make excuses.