Wednesday, May 12, 2010

like all she wanted was to go out and scream.. on mute.

Im doing better than the past weeks, but still not good enough.. i still cant fast like i used to.. i dont know why im so weak, i dont know what happened to me.. i used to be so strong..
my mind is so weird.. i succesfully fast all day, and then i go to the kitchen in the middle of the night, grab a spoon, and eat ketchup, mustard, sometimes dressings, sometimes jelly, soups, etc and i eat it cold from the refrigerator.. its so disgusting and weird.. and then i have to go vomit it all out.. i dont get why i cant just fast like i always did, if i know im fat and i cant stand myself, and its just weird that i even eat those things..
My body is so fucked up its depressing.. I got o the gym everyday, i do weights and burn more than 500 calories.. I barely eat anything and i gain weight.. The only way my body loses weight is if i water fast.. If i eat anything, then i gain weight.. u have no idea how much i envy people who diet or count calories.. at least they can eat.. i cant eat anything.. its not like i can fast forever..what will i do? thats why i gained weight again in the first place, cuz i couldt live fasting..
i cant deal with this life anymore, everything is so fucked up.. EVERYTHING.. there is not one good thing..
My parents have decided to "care" about my eating disorder.. my dad has started to ask me again what i eat and my mom asks my sister to spy on me, etc.. and then when they see i dont eat anything they start yelling at me like crazy and i hate them..
my dad is a doctor and thinks he know everything but he knows nothing about this illness.. he thinks i do it on purpose, he thinks i dont eat just to mess with him and make him mad, he thinks i just do it to look hot, he thinks its something i can decide.. he comes and yells and tells me that he is sick and tired of telling my to eat and that i dont need therapy or doctors, that anorexia gets cured by eating, and that if i dont eat he will kick me out and send me to san diego with my mom.. how will i ever get better if no one helps me?
i started thinking the other day and i dont want help cuz i dont want to gain weight cuz im scared of gaining weight.. but then again that is part of the illness.. maybe if i wasnt sick i would realize that im not fat and i could eat like a normal person, and i could look in the mirror and be happy, and these thoughts wouldnt drive me crazy, and i could have breakfast without wanting to die, and i wouldnt have to kill myself at the gym everyday.. but i will never get help unless someone forces me to, cuz i dont wanna get help cuz im scared they will make me fat.. but i dont think i can live like this forever either.. how long can someone fast? then im gonna start binging to oblivion and become obese.. then fast again?.. I NEED HELP.. but my parents took me out of therapy cuz they think im just playing and being rebelious.. they think this is a game?.. its killing me.. there isnt one minute of my life when im not thinking about food, or calories, or weight, or my thighs, or flavors, or my stomach, or excersize, or my big ass, or being empty, etc etc ... i wish i could just like myself just for one minute.. i wish there would be one day that i could eat anything solid and not feel guilty and not gain weight from it.. I WISH..


  1. parents, or anyone for that matter, never seem to understand. I hated the way they thought that forcing food down me would fix the problem, that it would just disappear.
    I really hope you feel better soon, don't let them get you down. focus on you lovely. x.

  2. :( i feel for you love... im sure you probably don't want to hear this but i think you're only really left with the option to start restricting instead of fasting. for one, your body is 100% in starvation mode so it's storing every single thing you consume, every gram of fat from whatever you eat, so fasting is defeating the purpose right now. you can fast after you hit your GW but for now, you gotta switch it up, it's the only way to get your body to start burning again. start out with 700 cals a day for 2 weeks, then go to 500 a day for a week, after that 300 a day then go back up to 700 when you feel ready to. make sure to eat the moment you wake up to kick start your metabolism and distribute these calories throughout the day so that you're constantly grazing/snacking and your body can stop storing and start burning. another benefit to this is that your dad can chill the f out. (lol) he will see that you are constantly eating and there is nothing he can say if you're doing just that. remember to appreciate the fact that you are so much better where you are now than most people. at least you don't have 30, 50, or even 100 pounds to lose. you are 5'7" and only 113, i'm sure you look amazing and just can't see it but you are so close to where you want to be, much closer than you think. start loving your body and your body will love you back. appreciate that you ARE beautiful and you will loose those few extra pounds to perfection.

    love & light xxo