Sunday, May 9, 2010


This is what happens when u fast and fast and fast and fast... then u eat once and there is no fucking way u can stop... then u binge, and binge, and binge, and binge.. until u fast again, and again, and again, .. until u binge again... and u know the cycle...
welll ive been binging.. and i need to fucking stop.. i need to.. i am faat!!!! and i feel dirty! and these creepy things i do like eating alone in the middle of the night hiding from everybody are freaking me out... i cant keep doing this, i need to stop.. and im gaining weight by the minute... i feel huge.. i need to stop.. i need to understand again that i dont want food, i hate food, it makes me fat... i wanna be thin and perfect and sick and pale and empty.. food is my worst enemy.. i need to understand this again.. its like my mind is attacking me.. my body, my impulses i cant control!!!!.. THIS ENDS NOW.. IM FUCKING SERIOUS.. ITS FUCKING OVER... I JUST FINISHED MY LSAST BINGE.. IM ACTUALLY SITTING IN THE KITCHEN.. ITS THE LAST TIME I COME IN HERE BY MY OWN WILL.. THIS IS FUCKING OVER.. IM BACK TO MY FASTING DAYS, TO MY REAL FASTING DAYS AND IM BACK FOR GOOD..

I have a huge modeling job on friday.. which means i have 5 days to get back to at least 50 kilograms.. i dont know how much I weigh but im guessing 52.5 .. ugghhhhh i wanna die... its amazing how fucked up my body is.. how can someone gain 3 kilos in 3 days? and i justed binged today, yesterday i ate like 600 cal... my metabolism is so fucked up that i gain weight with even 100 calories..

Starting tomorrow i will eat ZERO calories and drink ZERO calories.. I dont give a shit if i suffer, that was always what i enjoyed the most, the hunger, the suffering, the pain.. im so detached from my old self, from my nature... food poisons my mind... I used to looove the hunger pains.... oh i miss the feeling of emptyness so much, i want it back.. im gonna punish myself this week for all my stupidness.. im worried cuz its mothers day monday and there will probably be a family lunch abd i dont give a shit if my mom hates me i will not eat a thing.. and thursday is my brothers birthday.. i will totally act sick.. I need to be super thin for that modeling job on friday or they will fire me.. im so fucking nervous.. I will have to kill myself at the gym and have nothing but water and tea, maybe some coffee.. I wont even have diet coke..
I think about all the time if lost.. all the weeks i could have really fasted and i havent.. nobody forces me to eat, only on weekends.. i could be weighing like 90 pounds right now but no, i have to go and fuck it up... people are starting to tell me i dont look sick anymore, ughhh i hate it.. they tell me im starting to look normal, not scary skinny.. FUCK THEM.. ILL SHOW THEM SCARY.. NORMAL IS MY NIGHTMARE, I WANNA BE ANYTHING BUT NORMAL..

I am so fucking mad at myself, i am a fucking pig, i hate myself uggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Food will ruin me!!!!!!! I better weigh at least 50 by friday or i will kill myself.. literally.. that modeling shoot is super important... omg i will die if they see me fat.. omg im freaking out, what have i been doing? just a week ago i was weight 48.9 kilograms... and now im back to like 53.. i wanna kill myself.. i dont wanna wake up tomorrow and feel my thighs and my arms and my huge body, i dont even wanna take a shower or get dressed, i dont wanna feel myself.. i disgust myself.. i feel nauseous.. I AM A COW..
tomorrow will be only water and hot tea... ill stay at home all day if i have to, sleeping.. i wont eat a thing.. and i will burn 500 calories at the gym... This is fucking over im tired of this shit.. i am not a bulimic, i have anorexia i do not binge like a pig.. i cant do this to my beautiful clean body.. ughh im disgusting...
im sorry girls i wont let u down again.. EXTREME FASTING AND EXCERSIZING STARTS NOW...


  1. Ok Ok, calm down. And breathe... (I've been having those days too, but i think we both agree that it ends now, yes?..)

    You can, because you think you can.

    And we all beleive in you. <3

    stay strong..

  2. you need to take a few deep breaths.
    it is going to be ok.
    try and relax.
    you will lose that weight in no time.
    you have lost it before, you can lose it again right?