OBESE FAT ASS

This is what happens when u fast and fast and fast and fast... then u eat once and there is no fucking way u can stop... then u binge, and binge, and binge, and binge.. until u fast again, and again, and again, .. until u binge again... and u know the cycle...

welll ive been binging.. and i need to fucking stop.. i need to.. i am faat!!!! and i feel dirty! and these creepy things i do like eating alone in the middle of the night hiding from everybody are freaking me out... i cant keep doing this, i need to stop.. and im gaining weight by the minute... i feel huge.. i need to stop.. i need to understand again that i dont want food, i hate food, it makes me fat... i wanna be thin and perfect and sick and pale and empty.. food is my worst enemy.. i need to understand this again.. its like my mind is attacking me.. my body, my impulses i cant control!!!!.. THIS ENDS NOW.. IM FUCKING SERIOUS.. ITS FUCKING OVER... I JUST FINISHED MY LSAST BINGE.. IM ACTUALLY SITTING IN THE KITCHEN.. ITS THE LAST TIME I COME IN HERE BY MY OWN WILL.. THIS IS FUCKING OVER.. IM BACK TO MY FASTING DAYS, TO MY REAL FASTING DAYS AND IM BACK FOR GOOD..

I have a huge modeling job on friday.. which means i have 5 days to get back to at least 50 kilograms.. i dont know how much I weigh but im guessing 52.5 .. ugghhhhh i wanna die... its amazing how fucked up my body is.. how can someone gain 3 kilos in 3 days? and i justed binged today, yesterday i ate like 600 cal... my metabolism is so fucked up that i gain weight with even 100 calories..

Starting tomorrow i will eat ZERO calories and drink ZERO calories.. I dont give a shit if i suffer, that was always what i enjoyed the most, the hunger, the suffering, the pain.. im so detached from my old self, from my nature... food poisons my mind... I used to looove the hunger pains.... oh i miss the feeling of emptyness so much, i want it back.. im gonna punish myself this week for all my stupidness.. im worried cuz its mothers day monday and there will probably be a family lunch abd i dont give a shit if my mom hates me i will not eat a thing.. and thursday is my brothers birthday.. i will totally act sick.. I need to be super thin for that modeling job on friday or they will fire me.. im so fucking nervous.. I will have to kill myself at the gym and have nothing but water and tea, maybe some coffee.. I wont even have diet coke..

I think about all the time if lost.. all the weeks i could have really fasted and i havent.. nobody forces me to eat, only on weekends.. i could be weighing like 90 pounds right now but no, i have to go and fuck it up... people are starting to tell me i dont look sick anymore, ughhh i hate it.. they tell me im starting to look normal, not scary skinny.. FUCK THEM.. ILL SHOW THEM SCARY.. NORMAL IS MY NIGHTMARE, I WANNA BE ANYTHING BUT NORMAL..

I am so fucking mad at myself, i am a fucking pig, i hate myself uggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Food will ruin me!!!!!!! I better weigh at least 50 by friday or i will kill myself.. literally.. that modeling shoot is super important... omg i will die if they see me fat.. omg im freaking out, what have i been doing? just a week ago i was weight 48.9 kilograms... and now im back to like 53.. i wanna kill myself.. i dont wanna wake up tomorrow and feel my thighs and my arms and my huge body, i dont even wanna take a shower or get dressed, i dont wanna feel myself.. i disgust myself.. i feel nauseous.. I AM A COW..

tomorrow will be only water and hot tea... ill stay at home all day if i have to, sleeping.. i wont eat a thing.. and i will burn 500 calories at the gym... This is fucking over im tired of this shit.. i am not a bulimic, i have anorexia i do not binge like a pig.. i cant do this to my beautiful clean body.. ughh im disgusting...

im sorry girls i wont let u down again.. EXTREME FASTING AND EXCERSIZING STARTS NOW...