There's a lot of nothing around here...

I said i missed sadness? I said i missed my dark hole? oh stupid stupid girl.. pathetic idiot..

i hate this. i was so happy, i felt butterflies, i felt free, i felt i could breathe for the first time ever.. im dead again.. i have nothing to live for, no one beside me, my life is so lonely, so empty, so full of nothingness, so meaningless.. i cant live like this i feel like im drowning..

how can ur life change in such a drastic way so fast, so unexpectedly?.. my life just died from one second to the next.. i was so alive, so happy, i was living my dreams, smiling, laughing, feeling, loving,.. and then suddelny i blinked and then.. NOTHING.. IT WAS ALL GONE... THERE IS NOTHING LEFT..

I binged everyday last week.. every fucking say.. can someone please explain what the fuck was going through my head??.. i was supposed to fast.. no one made me eat.. i ate by myself and i ate the whole kitchen.. im fat.. i dont even wanna know how much i weigh.. my life fucking sucks..

i hate him, i miss him.. why did i have to meet him? he fucking came and ruined me.. i hate him.. and i love him and i want him and i need him so much.. but he is not coming back.. i know he wont.. but i keep holding on to him, i cant let go, i dont want to.. cuz i cant imagine a world without him, cuz i discovered his world and i dont want to go back to my old world.. but he wont come back.. and im fat..

i fasted today and went to the gym.. the plan is to do that tomorrow too.. im sorry.