Hello? Hello?.. I dont know if anyone reads this anymore.. i hope someone does.. When I write here I like to imagine that someone, anyone out there will read it, someone will listen, someone will care.. maybe someone will feel identified, maybe someone will understand me... and if not, at least someone will know the real me and not what i fake every single day...
I feel sad again.. I feel the sadness slowly creeping up my toenails into my feet and up into the rest of my body.. I welcome it back, I don't fight it. I missed it.. It belongs here, it fits, it is welcome.
I'm feeling like myself again.. maybe happiness isnt for everyone. Maybe some people are really meant to be lonely, and empty, and sad, and dark, and hollow..
I feel like myself again, i feel home, I belong here... I was fighting it, neglecting it, I didnt want to be sad, I tried to be happy and have a life, I put myself out there, exposed myself, I left the dark and tried to live in sunlight, I walked away from my cave and promised never to come back.. but the sun felt so cold, it wasnt welcoming, its rays tanned my skin but didnt give me warmth.. Inside my cave I left my masks, my walls, my fears and i just exposed my naked body and soul to the world.. My new goal was to be happy, forget everything, let people in, follow my dreams, fall in love, put myself out there... now im heartbroken, crushed, backstabbed, mistreated, and i felt nothing, nothing at all.. I felt no pain, I felt nothing, no sadness but no happiness either.. And thats where i remember why i put myself in that cave, in that dark hole in the first place.. because id rather feel pain than nothing at all.. and again i see the world sucks, people suck, people are the most fake and dreadful creatures in this universe and that is why i had kept them all away for so long.. what they dont know is that they cant hurt me more than i hurt myself.. oh how stupid i was to think i could be happy, and i would have a life like others full of love and smiles and bliss.. I was meant to be sad, i have always been sad, i was meant to be lonely, I have always been lonely.. Id rather feel lonely alone than sorrounded by people..
I cant really express what im feeling right now.. I just stopped fighting who i am because i understood i wasnt meant for a normal life and ive never wanted to be normal anyway so it doesnt really matter.. Im ok now, im at peace, i feel at home, i feel safe.. I dont have to fake it anymore cause no one even gives a shit.. I am the only one i have to please and i will dedicate my existence to that again, to please my eyes when they look in the mirror.. and because i want my body to feel like my soul: empty, hollow so that i can feel that I belong inside it. Its ironic, but my sadness is making me happy.. I am actually feeling something and im inspired again, i am me again..
I dont know if any of this makes sense but it does in my head.. its hard to explain..
I did not lose any weight today, i weighed the same- 113.5 so i decided to fast and it was amazing.. I love this feeling of being clean and empty. I also went to the gym and burnt 850 calories.. I did almost two hours of cardio.. I hurt my bad knee and it is really swollen and hurts like hell, and it makes me proud. I still feel fat.. maybe tomorrow ill feel better..