Friday, June 25, 2010

Only after total destruction, we can be resurrected..

I woke up at 6 am to pee, i weighed myself.. 114 wtf??? i went back to bed and cried for hours, i had nightmares.. i woke up again at 12, i weighed myself.. 112.5 wtf?? i weighed 3 times to make sure it was true.. it was real.. i lost another pound.
Today was awful.. it was painful, lonely, hurtful, sad, real, hateful, rotten, horrible.. and the light bothered me, i hate light.. i needed darkness, all day i needed it and the daylight wouldnt go away and it was killing me..
I sat hiding behind the door, listening to them (my bi-polar, manic-depressive, crazy, irresponsible, pathetic mother's side of the family) talking shit about me and my sister, saying the most cruel things about us, the most hurtful words.. I didn't defend myself, I just sat there listening to what the world thinks of me, to what my "family" thinks of me.. Apparently I am a monster, i dont have any feelings, i am a hypocrite, i just use my mother and i am on my dad's side, i am sick, crazy, i am to blame for all my mother's problems, i just care about money and that is why i live with my father, i have a stone heart, i just want to hurt my mother, i dont eat to cause her pain, i am a backstabbing bitch, she should be careful and not trust me, i want to abandon her, i wouldnt care if she dies, i am selfish, etc etc etc.... all of this just because i asked them to stop talking shit about my dad to my sister and me cause it is painful..

I hid in my room for hours and hours, hungry, thirsty... I cried and cried and cried and cried some more... then put on my make up on again in case someone came in (i didnt want to show the broke me) but no one ever came in, no one cared.. I called my dad who is in mexico, he didnt care either but im used to him not caring.. I held my blackberry all day waiting for someone to care, to call, to text... no one did.. that's when it hit me again.. I am alone, i have no one, i have nothing, i am nothing, its only me and i hate myself.. why do i have to be with myself, i cant stand the sight of me.. I dont want to look at myself, I dont want to be with myself.. I stayed locked in the room until dark, and i then it i couldnt be alone with myself anymore.. i got dressed, took my things and left the house.. walked, and walked, and walked until i found a denny's.. i ordered black coffee and sat there reading the menu, eating everything on it inside my head.... my grandmother called me, asked me where i was and i told her.. she came and we talked and fought, and yelled, until she understood me and saw they were wrong, she realized my sister and I are killing ourselves slowly because of years of these situations and abuse and said she was sorry.. i forgave her, she is old and was the only one that noticed i was gone and cared enough to come get me..
She knew I ate nothing yesterday and today, she told me I had to eat something.. I said the only thing i could eat was frozen yogurt.. she took me to get some, i served myself a loot i dont know why.. I ate half, then purged what i could.. I asked her to take me to 24 hour fitness (it was 11:30 pm) i said i needed it because of the stress, i burnt 475 calories, I came back and finished the yogurt, wanted more but there was none so i ate peanut butter instead, a lot.. wtf? I ran into the bathroom and puked like 10 times until it hurt and i had to come out cause my mom would become suspicious... I am scared, i dont want to sleep, i need to burn more calories, i cant gain weight, i need to lose weight, im fat, so fucking fat, im scared.. please help me.
I want to weigh 99 pounds.. my goal was 110, then i thought of 105.. but i realized that is mediocre and obese.. I want to weigh 99 pounds.. I have to lose 13 pounds urgently or i will cut the fat out with a knife. i am not kidding.. my legs are huge.. i cant believe i thought i was thin, i cant believe people tell me im too thin, I AM NOT TOO THIN.. my bmi is 17.6.. i want it to be 15.5.. I WILL MAKE IT.


  1. You have the same GW as me! But you're beating me by a couple of pounds... *grins* Does that cheer you up?

    Sorry your family is so crappy. I hate when they take their own problems out of their children.

  2. your parents sound very familiar....oh wait!! They're exactly like mine.