Sunday, June 20, 2010

Until my shadow weighs more than me..

My beautiful, beautiful girls.. im sorry...
I promise i never left, i was always here, i was just hiding.. I kept reading ur blogs daily but i just couldnt bring myself to write.. I will never abandon you again, Im sorry..

I wont tell u what has happened in my life, its really not important.. I was just really away from Ana, i couldnt feel her inside me and i didnt want to come back here until i was back for good..
My eating habits have been so random and weird and awful.. I survive on frozen yoghurt, and then spoonfuls of peanut butter at night, and when im forced to eat solid food, i dont know how to stop.. I havent been excersizing or fasting cause im in San Diego at my grandparents house with my mom's family for this month, and they are all watching me and freaking out about my weight and eating habits.
I am 5'7 and Ive been fluctuating between 112 and 115 pounds.
Before today I was okay with being 112, I knew I wasnt perfect but i felt thin.. Well im not okay with it anymore.. When did I decide to stop losing weight? when did I leave my dream? When did I become mediocre? I want to be perfect, empty, frail, clean, pure, and I am going to get there.. So my first goal is 110 pounds, then I will get to 105, and so on..
I am sitting in the exact spot where I started this blog almost a year ago, and I weighed 122 pounds.. This year my lowest weight has been 107 pounds, but I could stay on that weight because of my horrible binging habits.. I WILL FINISH WHAT I STARTED, I AM NOT A FAILURE, I STARTED PROJECT BARBIE HERE AND I WILL FINISH IT HERE...(even though im not sure if it will ever finish)..
Im back my babies, please forgive me, i never stopped thinking about u guys.. I will write my daily intake every night, and my weight, I will weigh myself in the morning and at night and post that too.
1. I only eat when I have to eat and there is no possible way out!
2.I do not want to eat, I hate food, it makes me fat, so i have to try and avoid it at all costs!
3. Every day I have to weigh less than the day before! Every ounce counts!
4. I can never ever ever eat anything by myself! any single thing that has calories!
5. I love hunger, I want to feel hunger, if i dont feel hungry im not doing it right.
6. When forced to eat, I can only eat the amount that I was forced to, not one extra piece!!!
7. When forced to eat, it can only be fruit, vegetables, fish, yogurt, or soup.
8. When forced to eat, always purge if possible.
10. As much water as possible!!!


I want to lose my period again!!! I miss feeling dizzy and weak!!! I miss ana! please come back!.. I dont even know why my family worries so much about me if i look healthy, i want to look sick again.. i wanna be sick!!!! I LOVE U!!.. LETS DO THIS TOGETHER! DONT LET ME FALL!

1 comment:

  1. Hello lovely, I'll be looking forward to hearing from you again, I do hope you're alright. I am going to follow similar rules. I need to get somewhere, it's been too long. I know you can do this, you're strong and beautiful. x.